THE TRUTH ABOUT TRUTH:

All truth passes through three stages.
First, it is ridiculed.
Second, it is violently opposed.
Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.



Monday, December 31, 2012

UNCLE SAM SEZ: YOU’RE JUST A FLEA ON THE BUTT OF A MANGEY DOG

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DEAR PEEPS ~
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I was planning to post here, in this spot, a blog bit about atheists and how they failed to kill the Christmas ‘Nativity Scenes’ in Santa Monica, California, this year. However, it’ll have to wait a week.
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With 2013 less than half an hour away from me, I just received an Email from a good friend of mine which included a link to an article posted on a website I’ve never visited before. My friend wrote: Read this and see what you think.
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Well, I read Part I and just the beginning of Part II. Here’s what I thought: I don’t know if any of this information comes from a genuine Department of Homeland Security insider or not. However, the information is easy to believe because those of us who have spent many years studying in-depth the Illuminati plans for a ‘New World Order’ know that the scenario described in the following article is considered pretty standard as a means to the ‘New World Order’ end. I could have easily speculated as much based solely on my own research since 1994.
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Is this “whistle-blower” a true Department of Homeland Security (DHS) insider? Or is this just another case of misinformation or disinformation? I don’t know. But it’s worth reading, so I’m posting a link to it below.
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In this article, there was nothing really NEW in terms of agenda or method, but two things in particular got my attention. One was this:
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. . . they [the Insiders who seek to disarm We The People] are riding the wave of emotion from Sandy Hook, which, by the way and as tragic as it was, well, it stinks to high heaven. I mean there are many things wrong there, and first reports are fast disappearing. The narrative is being changed. Look, there is something wrong with Sandy Hook, but if you write it, you’ll be called a kook or worse.
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I have barely even examined the tragic ‘Sandy Hook Massacre’, and probably won’t spend much time studying it in the future (because I got ‘The Big Picture’ many years ago), but what little I’ve looked at already has me big-time questioning Uncle Sam’s “official” story about it. (Surprised? Why should you be? Almost everything Uncle Sam tells us is eventually exposed as a lie.)
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In a December 24th Email to the same person who sent me the following link, I wrote this about a certain aspect of the ‘Sandy Hook Massacre’ :
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You axed, “WTF?” I really don’t know WTF. … All I am willing to state as a fact is this: Something is VERY WRONG… very, Very, VERY WRONG!
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Another passage in the following article which really got my attention was this:
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Then look at the voter fraud [in the 2012 Presidential election]. And not a peep from the Republicans. Nothing. His [Barack Obama’s] second term was a done deal in September. This was planned. Frankly, the Obama team knew they had it sewn up long before election day.
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I find it easy to believe that. In the first place, it would explain why Obama showed up sleepy-eyed and disinterested in the first Presidential Debate against Mitt Romney. (Afterwards, someone with “real” authority probably told the Liar-In-Chief: “You Son-of-a-Frank Marshall Davis! You'd better at least make it LOOK like the debates matter! You can easily be replaced, you know?”)
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And are you, my dear reader, aware of how much (and obvious) voter fraud by the Democrats was committed in a number of precincts in the most crucial “swing states”? Google it! We’re talking about significant segments of counties in which zero or just a single voter cast their ballot for Romney! Ridiculous! Impossible! And yet, other than a brief, occasional, casual mention of it, the Republican Talking Heads let it pass without contesting it. Why? Well, if you’ve spent any time reading this blog in the past you already know why. Because the whole Left/Right, Liberal/Conservative, Democrat/Republican paradigm is just a big show to keep We The People divided. The conquering comes next. (Rush, Glenn, Sean, Bill, Ann – they’re ALL in on it, and you’ve been played for a sucker.)
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Barack Obama’s patently phony birth certificate.
(The Republican Party has declined to comment on this too!)
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Alright, here comes the article. Read it. Regardless of whether or not the unnamed Source is genuine, this is basically what you can expect at some point in the horrible future:
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"Freedom Is Inversely Proportional 
To The Size Of Government"
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.
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Saturday, December 29, 2012

‘ANOTHER CHRISTMAS STORY’ (Or, ‘I SENSE DEAD PEOPLE’)

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Five years after my Pa passed away in 1996, my Ma gave me a special Christmas gift - a house decoration. It was a glass and acrylic snowman and snowwoman to put out every December. She said to me that the snowman represented my Pa, and the snowwoman represented her. My Ma said, “By putting these snowpeople out, your Dad and I will always be with you at Christmas – even after I’m gone.” I have the characters rolled in bubble-wrap and keep them stored in a box marked ‘Stephen’s 2001 Snowmen (“Pa & Ma”: Glass)’.
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One Summer afternoon in 2002, I was at my Ma’s house; she was puttering around doing this and that while the Arizona Diamondbacks pre-game show was on the TV. At one point I said something to her about Diamondbacks first baseman Mark Grace, and she replied, “You’ll have to remind me. Who is Mark Grace?” I asked if she was joking and when she said she wasn’t, I told her to grab her purse and get in my truck. “Why? What’s wrong?” she wanted to know. I told her I didn’t know what was wrong but that I was taking her to the hospital IMMEDIATELY!
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My Ma was a lifelong, dyed-in-the-wool baseball fan, and for her to say “Who is Mark Grace?” was comparable to me saying, “What’s a Salty Dog and a Black Russian?” I knew something was seriously wrong with her. It turned out she had suffered a stroke, and in 2005 she went Home to God.
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Every year in December, I have put my “Pa & Ma” snowpeople out as representations of my parents who are no longer physically with me. I was unable to locate a photo of the snowwoman on the Internet, but below is a picture of exactly what my ‘Pa’ snowman looks like:
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In May of this year, a twelve-year-old Chinese boy named Xie (pronounced “Shay”) came to live with my brother Nappy and me. For a boy who’s only twelve, Xie is, like, the size of Godzilla - hence my nickname for him: Xiezilla.
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Well, one day in the first week of December I got out my Pa & Ma snowpeople and placed them on the table in the dining room, then I went about decorating the rest of the room for Christmas.
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About thirty minutes after I had put out my snowpeople, Xie emerged from his bedroom and walked into the dining room where I was. He took one look at the snowpeople on the table and then pointed at them and said to me, “This is your Dad and your Mom.”
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I’m sure my mouth fell open as I sat there mute for several moments, staring at Xie. Finally I managed to speak. “Why did you say those are my Dad and my Mom?”
Xie replied, “I don’t know. I just think to say.”
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I thought perhaps we had been discussing my parents not too long prior and so they were still on Xie’s mind, but thinking back, I couldn’t recall having spoken to him any time recently about my Pa and Ma.
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During Christmas dinner I related this event to my Brother and Sister and asked Xie if he remembered it. He said he did. I asked him again why he had said what he did and again his answer was that it had simply popped into his mind when he saw the snowman and snowwoman and so he just blurted it out.
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Just a strange coincidence? Sure. That’s all it was – just a strange coincidence.
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[Hi, Pa! Hi, Ma! Thanks for letting me know you’re still around. I hope you had a Heavenly Christmas.]
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.
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Friday, December 21, 2012

‘CHOOSE YOUR OWN APOCALYPSE’ BLOGFEST

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December 21st, 2012 – The Day The World Ended
by Stephen T. McCarthy and Al Coholabuse
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A couple of misconceptions need to be cleared up. First, many people believe that our world will end like this:
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Asteroid Impact (HD)
["The Great Gig In The Sky"]
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I have it on the most reliable authority in the universe that the scenario above is entirely incorrect.
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The prophecy for December 21st, 2012, which I am about to reveal to you, is secret knowledge that has previously been known (mostly) only to Initiates and Adepts of the innerest most circles of the innerest highestly evolved spiritual cults orders
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Many years ago, I was working with my Ouija board when my spirit guide came through with this revelation. My spirit guide is an ancient Native American ascended master named Chief Bald Eagle J. O’Toupee, and he’s the high priest of ‘The Order Of The White Light Wickiup Brotherhood Shebang’ (or, T.O.O.T.W.L.W.B.S. for short).
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Through the Ouija board, manipulated by the spirit of Chief Bald Eagle J. O’Toupee, I was told how our world will end later today. My spirit guide got the information from his own spirit guide - the Kenyan master, Harrison J. Bounel - who got it from Reverend Anne Puryear, who got it from Neale Donald Walsch, who got it from Elizabeth Clare Prophet, who got it from Saint Germain, who got it from Benjamin Creme, who got it from Alice Bailey, who got it from Annie Besant, who got it from Madame Blavatsky, who got it from Albert Pike, who got it from Nostradamus, who got it from Lord Akashic J. Records, who got it from a light-hearted camel, who got it from a merry old mammal, who got it from a barrel of monkeys, who got it from a pack of silly donkeys, who got it straight from the Cosmic Cat.
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A photo of the Cosmic Cat
In his natural habitat.
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The Cosmic Cat got this esoteric prophecy from 
a ‘Magic 8 Ball’ :
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Where the ‘Magic 8 Ball’ got this prophecy, only the Laughing Lion and the Grinning Gator knows... but it’s wholly trustworthy information!
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However, lest you mistakenly think this is all just a hand-me-down prophecy that hasn’t been verified by the scientific study of some of the grey-matterest brains known to mankind, you should be made aware of the following facts: Some scientists and researchers over many decades have also discovered this esoteric prophecy encoded in the ancient Mayan Calendar, the Egyptian ‘Book Of The Dead’, the Bhagavad Gita, and the holy Qur'an. Some nuts have even claimed to find it cloaked in a Bible Code, but I seriously doubt that!  It’s highly unlikely that a prophecy this accurate and this important could be found in The Bible, which, by now, everyone should know was a simple hoax meant to poke fun at the fools who believe in a ‘Santa Claus God’.
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So, what does the prophecy state? Well, that leads to a second misconception that I must misspell dispel: 
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In 1977, the Rock group ‘Kansas’ said that all we are is dust in the wind, but that’s not even within shouting distance of the truth. Ordinarily you can take what Rock Stars say as “gospel” because they are really hip and cool and know the gig. But in this rare case, ‘Kansas’ didn’t know what they was yakking about; it was just a load of yodeling carp ‘n’ floppin’ feathers!
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In fact, according to the ancient prophecy, all we are is fleas on a dog. Yep, that’s right! We are merely billions of fleas occupying a bald, scaly spot on the butt of a ginormous, mangey dog named General George Sterling Price - who is sleeping in a place called ‘Apocalypse Alley’.
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We have been living on the bald spot of this ginormous sleeping dog’s rump for about 4.5 billion years (that’s 31 billion, 500 million in ‘Dog Years’, also known as “a godzillian”). And everything would remain just fine and comfy if no one and nothing disturbed General George Sterling Price’s rest. We wouldn’t have to die later today if only “it” (whatever “it” is) would let the sleeping dog lie!
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Unfortunately, the prophecy states that later today - December 21st, 2012 - someone or something is going to awaken the sleeping dog. When that happens, the first thing the dog is going to do is yawn, then stand up, and then shake-shake-shake, shake-shake-shake, shake his booty. And when the dog does that, we fleas are going to fly off the bald spot on his butt, go spinning violently through the atmosphere, and then crash against a brick wall in ‘Apocalypse Alley’. The collision with the wall will kill us all, and put us out of our misery forevermore.
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True, it will end our physical existence when we “hit the wall”, but prior to the collision, while we fleas be flying, it’s going to be one exhilarating ‘E-Ticket Ride’; I suggest you just relax and enjoy it, for it’ll be a once-in-a-lifetime experience!
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The prophecy further states that just prior to this comprehensive, canine cleansing catastrophe, the favored, fortunate few of the spiritual hierarchy will find themselves ‘Raptured’, or ‘Plucked Up’, also known as ‘Intoxicated’. And as I type these words, I sip, sip, sip my fifth whiskey – making me one of the “favored, fortunate few”.
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I realize that a wee bit o’ this prophecy may seem a teensy-weensy tad far-fetched, but I actually have photographic evidence to prove it!
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One night, my master spirit guide, Chief Bald Eagle J. O’Toupee, appeared to me while I was engaged in a “guided visualization” technique, and he told me to go to the garage, find the big box my mother kept her photo album in, and locate the picture that showed her, pregnant with me, standing next to my Pop and in front of their old car.
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I found the photograph and as I was staring at it, Chief Bald Eagle J. O’Toupee mysteriously transformed it before my eyes into a picture of the ginormous dog General George Sterling Price (on whose mangey, spot-bald butt we all live) in ‘Apocalypse Alley’ sometime prior to taking his 31 billion, 500 million year nap. Here’s the picture:
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I have no idea who the other figures in that photo are; 
I assume they must be gods.
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Anyway, that’s the total truthful truth about the ancient prophecy concerning our world and how it’s all going to end for us here today. You may have just enough time left to say “I love you” to your loved ones and to kiss your mangey, bald butt ‘Goodbye’.
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy & Al Coholabuse
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NOTE:
To My Fellow & Fellowette Blogfest Participants...
Al and I have to work today, but we will be around to check out your Blogfest entries late tonight and/or tomorrow (if there is a ‘tomorrow’). 
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YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.
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Sunday, December 16, 2012

DON'T THEY KNOW IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD?

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How could I resist this one? . . . 
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Coming to ‘Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends’ 
on Friday, December 21st.
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The rules are simple:
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1. Choose your apocalypse
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2. Sign up on the linky
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3. Tell us how you prepared for your survival amongst everyone else's demise
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4. Describe your apocalypse and how it's going down
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5. Make sure the badge is displayed on your blog
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6. Visit your fellow survivors and see how their world ended
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Other than that, make it whatever you'd like!
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We've only got a week before the world ends, so please help get the word out!
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My McBuddy, ARLEE BIRD of the blog 'Tossing It Out', made me aware of this blogfest.
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I've been looking forward to the end of the world for a long time now, and I figured I might as well have the last word... so I signed up.
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See ya at the beginning of the end,
With a glass of bourbon in my hand,
And a smile upon my face
For the whole human race.
Adios!
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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Sign up for the 'CHOOSE YOUR OWN APOCALYPSE' BLOGFEST
by clicking HERE. I triple-dog dare ya!
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Skeeter Davis - "The End Of The World" (1962)

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YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.
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Monday, December 10, 2012

A STOCKING FULL O’ CHRISTMAS STUFFS (Or, DRAGGING THE BOTTOM OF THE XMAS BARREL?)


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Are you ready for a cornucopia of crazy Christmas comedy and a stocking stuffed with Santa’s special songs ‘n’ such? Good, glad to hear it! These are my gifts to y’all, which ya better open prior to December 21st, as that date brings the Mayan Calendar to its conclusion and all Earthly life with it. (Well, ‘I Can Dream, Can’t I?’)
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Let’s start with something truly beautiful and work our way down to hell from there.
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Perhaps the only new Christmas song I’ve heard in the last couple decades that really wowed me was this:
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Trans-Siberian Orchestra - Christmas Canon (Video)
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The very first time I ever heard Brenda Lee’s hit ‘Rocking Around The Christmas Tree’, it played on my car’s radio. I was driving east on Ocean Park Boulevard, and I thought it was the worst Christmas song I’d ever heard. About a week later I heard it for a second time and thought: Oh, yes, this is that terrible Christmas song I heard last week. And the third time I heard it on my radio, I thought: I gotta find out who does that, ‘cause I gotta buy me a copy of that song!
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Yep, I was a new Brenda Lee fan. (Years later I attended one of her concerts in the Los Angeles area. She was great!)
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Well, below is another Brenda Lee Christmas song I like a lot. Listen for that little “hitch” in her voice every time she sings the word “WALKIN’” – it drives me wild!
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Winter Wonderland - Brenda Lee
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Speaking of the radio, I have a cassette tape of me from many years ago requesting that a Phoenix DJ play that version of ‘Blue Christmas’ by Porky Pig. I didn’t know that the dude I was yakkin’ with on the phone was the DJ and that he was recording my voice as I was requesting the song and would broadcast it over the airwaves a short time later. I asked him, “Who does that song, ‘Blue Christmas’, by Porky Pig?” He answered, “Porky Pig”. Well, ask a dumb question...
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Blue Christmas with Porky Pig
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I own the compact disc ‘Dr. Demento Presents The Greatest Christmas Novelty CD Of All Time’, and it contains some real classics, the following three being my favorites. I gotta start with the best – a Cheech Y Chong comedy skit. I only play it in December but I quote from it all year long:
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Santa Claus And His Old Lady 

- Cheech & Chong - HD Audio

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This next one features a dog named Makie performing Yogi Yorgesson’s classic Xmas novelty song. Makie ain’t no Porky, but you’ll enjoy his shtick if you “paws” long enough to give it a chance:
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I Yust Go Nuts At Christmas

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Alright, this last comedy sketch from the Dr. Demento CD, ‘CHRISTMAS DRAGNET’ by Stan Freberg and Daws Butler, requires a little background info in order to be fully appreciated. ‘Christmas Dragnet’ is a spot-on spoof of the legendary ‘Dragnet’ TV series Christmas episode (‘The Big Little Jesus’ - 1953). In order to really “get” the spoof, you must be familiar with the original.
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My Ma bought a soundtrack LP of Dragnet’s 1953 ‘The Big Little Jesus’ episode, and listening to that during the Christmas season became a Holiday staple in the McCarthy household. I no longer have a record player, but I do display the album as a Christmas decoration every year, and I listen to the soundtrack which I have recorded on a cassette tape.
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Below is Dragnet’s original Christmas episode divided into 3 parts, and it’s a good story, except that it doesn’t include any tattooed women and martial arts scenes, which obviously marks it as something ancient. Seriously, you really need to know the original Dragnet episode in order to fully appreciate the ‘CHRISTMAS DRAGNET’ spoof. So, here’s the original:
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Dragnet - The Big Little Jesus ( Part 1 of 3 )
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Dragnet - The Big Little Jesus ( Part 2 of 3 )
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Dragnet - The Big Little Jesus ( Part 3 of 3 )
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And now for the spot-on spoof:
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"Christmas Dragnet" - Stan Freberg

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‘SCROOGE’, the 1970 musical starring Albert Finney, is hands down and head and shoulders above any other version of ‘A Christmas Carol’ on film. Until you’ve seen it, you really have no idea just how great the Charles Dickens story can be.
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Scrooge - December The 25th
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I’ll close this blog bit with the band that opened it – Trans-Siberian Orchestra – performing a very powerful, hard-rocking version of one of my very favorite Christmas songs, ‘Carol Of The Bells’:
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Carol of the Bells 
- Trans-Siberian Orchestra - Higher Quality

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And finally, a little reminder that Jenny Baranick’s book MISSED PERIODS AND OTHER GRAMMAR SCARES is “The Most Sex You Can Have While Improving Your Grammar”, and it would make an excellent Christmas gift for the semi-literate lover chained to the mattress in your bedroom. A full review of it can be found by clicking HERE.
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy 
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YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.
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Wednesday, December 5, 2012

GHOSTS OF CHRISTMAS PAST


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Old post card of Santa’s Village in Skyforest, near Lake Arrowhead, California.
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"Remember that it is MERRY CHRISTMAS and not anything else."
~ vegas1a
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My comment tonight to vegas1a :
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Wonderful! Fantastic!
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This is my favorite version of 'Frosty' - been hearing it on the radio lately. I came to YouTube to see if I could confirm that it was performed by The Ray Conniff Singers (who also once sang the best version of The Star-Spangled Banner at Dodger Stadium).
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Yours was the first video I saw, and what a bonus to find the song teamed with photos of the defunct Santa's Village, which I dearly loved.
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Thanks for this, the first Christmas gift I've received in 2012.
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~ ProvDog
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Frosty The Snowman - The Ray Conniff Singers
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The little Christian chapel that was at Santa’s Village.
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy 
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YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.
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Monday, December 3, 2012

THE MOST SEX YOU CAN HAVE WHILE IMPROVING YOUR GRAMMAR


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Q: What do Playboy magazine, Matthew McConaughey’s abs, Johnny Depp’s sweet nothings, Victoria’s Secret ‘Black Diamond Fantasy Bra’, Mary Ann’s tight shorts, Ginger’s coconuts, Barbie’s 39-18-33 measurements, Paris Hilton’s sex tape, Don Juan, Botox, a leather whip and handcuffs, penis envy, the female orgasm, Richard Gere and gerbils have in common?
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A: All of them are mentioned in the book ‘MISSED PERIODS AND OTHER GRAMMAR SCARES’ by Jenny Baranick, which I recently finished reading.
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In fact, I hadn’t seen the word “penis” printed in a single publication this many times since I last read the book ‘STICKS AND STONES: Male Sex Organs - An Owner’s Manual’ by Dr. Harrison J. Bounel.*
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No, I jest. The male member was not overly focused on in this very informative and entertaining book. In fact, Goldilocks, who stars in Chapter Eight – ‘Goldilocks And The Three Bars: En Dashes, Em Dashes, And Hyphens’ – would probably say that the number of times the word “penis” appears in ‘Missed Periods And Other Grammar Scares’ was “just right”. (In all seriousness, Jenny Baranick’s book is occasionally risque but never pornographic and almost always humorous. It’s rated J.R. for Just Right or Johnny Reads.)
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Move over, Suck & Writhe Strunk & White, there’s a new kid in town. The king is dead; long live the queen!
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Upon learning that the copy of ‘Missed Periods And Other Grammar Scares’ that I’d ordered from my local Barnes & Noble had arrived at the store, I had an awful thought: The title is incorrect! Wouldn’t the word “Other” in the title imply that “Missed Periods” are also “Grammar Scares”, when in fact they’re punctuation scares? But then I came to realize that “missed periods” lead to run-on sentences (see Chapter Four), and run-on sentences are indeed “grammar scares”. Whew! That was a close one. As Count Floyd would say: Ooh, vasn't that scary, kids?" But I should have known better than to question Jenny Baranick, the dominatrix of grammerotica.
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Paris Hilton said, “Life is too short to blend in.”
~ Jenny Baranick in ‘Missed Periods And Other Grammar Scares’
- page 141
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“Life is too long to take shit from people!”
~ Louie Banana at the '10 At 2 Kennel Klub Saloon' 
after gin & tonic #9, #9, #9, #9... 
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‘Missed Periods And Other Grammar Scares’ is not just about grammar, and it’s not just about sex. It’s also about something that can lead to sex and even lead to - *gasp!* - dancing! I speak of booze. Jenny gives a shout out to daiquiris, vodka, margaritas, and straight tequila. Mention four of the essential food groups like that and you’re sure to get the attention of a town drunk like me.
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Baranick’s textbook is also rife with pop culture references, especially to movies and TV shows; there’s something in it for everyone!
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This book may take a humorous approach to its subject, but if you think grammar scares aren’t serious business, think again! I’ll never forget the time I was driving on a long stretch of dusty highway not far from Bakersfield when I came up behind a good ol’ boy in his ol’ ‘55 pickup truck. On his head was a Stetson, he had the obligatory gun rack mounted in his cab, and the bumper sticker on the back of the horse trailer he was hauling read, If You Ain’t A Cowboy, You Ain’t Shit.
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There’s nuttin’ funny about a grammar scare like that! OK, yeah, there is, but you’ll avoid that sort of self-flagellation by studying Jenny Baranick’s unique way of teaching English in an entertaining, pain-free manner.
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I wish I’d had an English teacher like Jenny when I was in high school. Think of all those hours I wasted staring out the classroom windows, daydreaming about sex and learning nuttin’. But with ‘Missed Periods And Other Grammar Scares’ you can have your sex and punctuate it too!
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A person could read ‘Missed Periods And Other Grammar Scares’ for the entertainment factor alone. If they happen to learn important “stuffs” along the way (and they surely will), they can consider that a no-cost bonus to them. (For me, the funniest line in a book full of humorous lines may have been this: “Bill Clinton will go down in history for not having sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky.” Was it mere coincidence that this line appeared on page 69? 
Hmmm... I wonder.) 
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For a dude who was a C average student in high school and created an oil painting of a bullfight for extra credit to keep from failing the Spanish class, I don’t do too badly these days when it comes to my speaking and writing. My spelling was once “atroshus” and my punctuation not much better. But all the reading I did after graduating from high school made me reasonably proficient in English matters. Nevertheless, I did learn a few valuable things from “Captain” Baranick’s book.
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In Chapter Five, ‘More Than A Feeling: Commas’, Jenny Baranick (J.B.) teaches the reader the comma rules. As a professional English teacher, she has actually questioned her students about why they placed commas in certain places. Most of them have responded that they “feel like it should be there.” Ha!-Ha! [Yeah, rereading that made me GOL – Guffaw Out Loud.] But Jenny says, “When it comes to matters of the comma, don’t follow your heart – follow the rules.”
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J.B. breaks down the Rules O’ Commas for us, and on page 45 she explains when you “MUST” put a comma before the word “and”. Well, I am more thinker than feeler, so when I’ve put a comma before “and” it was never because I “felt like it”; I’ve always had “a reason”. Was it a good reason? Did I always think correctly? Uh...  probably not...  but I’m afraid to look back and see what sort of disasters I’ve left in my writing wake.
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On page 67, Jenny explains the rules about capitalizing the first letter after the use of a colon. That’s something I have often wondered about, because I’ve seen it both capitalized and left lowercase but never understood why the editor chose the one way or the other. Now I get it. Thanks, Captain Morgan Captain Jenny!
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On page 149, Jenny teaches us how to do it “doggy style.” Uhm . . . proofreading, that is. (Get yer dirty mind outta da filthy gutter!) And in the very next paragraph on that same page, she explains to her readers how they can get “hard core” and “make writing errors their bitch.”
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Reading all these double entendres and lusty grammar lessons caused me to think about how long it’s been since I’ve had sex, and I wondered if I would even be able to remember how to do it. But then I thought: Oh, sure I would. It’s just like falling off a horse - once you’ve done it you never forget how.
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As much as I enjoyed ‘Missed Periods And Other Grammar Scares’ and believe that its time has come, I can’t say that I concur with Captain Jenny Baranick on every point. Heck, I don’t agree with anyone 100% of the time. Sometimes I don’t even agree with ME!
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In the Introduction, J.B. writes, “our public school systems are underfunded.” I beg to differ. Actually, I pretty much insist on it. Aside from the fact that the U.S. Constitution does not grant the federal government the slightest right to meddle in public education, we are spending more taxpayer dollars on education than ever before. We don’t need more money thrown at the problem; what we need is more teachers like Jenny Baranick who know how to make learning fun.
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Later, J.B. writes: “But to play it safe, it’s still not all right to use alright.”
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Mmmm . . . alright, Jenny, I’ll stop using “alright”. 
Oops! I did it again.
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I think ‘alright’ looks better than ‘all right’, and it emanates from the mouth as a single word, not as two separate words. Nevertheless, I’ll stop using ‘alright’ as soon as everyone else replaces ‘already’ with ‘all ready’ and ‘altogether’ with ‘all together’. In other words, I won’t stop using ‘alright’ anytime soon (unless I perish with the rest of y'all when the Mayan Calendar comes to an end on December 21st).
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And that brings me to my naturally rebellious attitude . . . 
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Sir Jack Daniels, my black leather jacket and me
At the ‘Statue Of Liberty’ in ‘83.
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As the photo above should illustrate, I’m a firm believer in breaking the rules. Not ALL of the rules, mind you, but those rules that one thinks he/she has a legitimate reason for breaking. However, I also believe Mark Twain got it right when he wrote, Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.” You can’t really claim to have been deliberately breaking rules if you didn’t know what those rules were to begin with.
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That’s why, in order to be a real righteous rebel, you’ve got to know WHAT you’re rebelling against and WHY! Don’t just be a rebel, but be a smart rebel.
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I don’t fault Jenny Baranick, because she’s not responsible for having made the rules. But she does explain many of the “orthodox” (commonly accepted) rules of writing. For instance, she states, “We don’t capitalize the century numbers: nineteenth century.” Also, “Another thing I don’t understand is why we don’t capitalize summer or winter, or any of the other seasons for that matter. It seems like we should, but spring, summer, fall, and winter are all lowercase.” And lastly, on page 96, she explains which words we should and should not capitalize when writing titles of books, movies, et al.
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I’m sorry, but if we’re supposed to capitalize the names of eras, such as the "Paleozoic Era" (page 91), then I’m damn sure going to continue capitalizing the Nineteenth Century, which in my book is just as much an era as is the Paleozoic. I will also continue to capitalize huge chunks of specific time, like Summer and Fall, et al. And I’ll go right on capitalizing every single word in book, movie, and song titles, as I’ve always done. I don’t give a hoot if it’s only a small word like a, an, or the, or if it’s one of the “FANBOYS” (see Chapter Eleven). It’s IN THE TITLE and therefore, in my opinion, it DESERVES to be acknowledged, appreciated and CAPITALIZED!
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Or maybe we should just stop capitalizing the names of the actors and actresses who played Munchkins in ‘The Wizard Of Oz’ because, after all, they were so very small. (I’m sorry, charlie becker, although you were the Mayor of Munchkinland, you were so small that your name does not warrant capitalization. Make room, Randy Newman, I’m comin’ to join ya!)
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“I am old school”.
~ Jenny Baranick
‘Missed Periods And Other Grammar Scares’ – page 130
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“If Jenny Baranick is ‘old school’, that makes me ‘Paleozoic School’, and, frankly, I resent the appellation (whatever ‘appellation’ means).
~ Stephen T. McCarthy
‘Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends’ – blog bit #299
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And speaking of schools . . .
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In her book’s first chapter, Captain Baranick tells us that ‘Heathers’ (1988), starring Christian Slater and Winona Ryder, is “the best ‘80s high school movie EVER.” She writes: “If you’ve never seen it, put this book down and add it to your Netflix rotation before you forget. I’ll wait.”
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This has nothing to do with the subjects at hand (i.e., grammar, punctuation, sex and booze), but I went to school where the Heathers did. Granted it was many years before them. The external shots of the "high school" in ‘Heathers’ were filmed at John Adams Middle School in Santa Monica, California (it was called a ‘Junior High School’ when I graduated from it in ‘74).
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The shots of the school parking lot were taken in front of (what in my day was) the Music Department building at 17th and Pearl streets (for all I know, it might still be the Music building). And the scene where Christian Slater makes his explosive exit and Winona Ryder lights her cigarette was filmed in front of the school’s Auditorium which stands on the Southeast corner of 16th and Pearl in Santa Monica - page 49, C-1 of your Thomas Bros. LOS ANGELES /ORANGE COUNTIES Street Atlas And Directory. [Jenny, does that little bit of ‘extra credit information’ boost this review’s grade from a C up to a B? Sure, it’s not an oil painting of a bullfight, but then this is an English class, not a Spanish class.]
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On page six, Jenny Baranick lists the 'Dirty Dozen': Twelve words that are frequently confused with other words. I don’t have any trouble with her Dirty Dozen, although when I was in grade school I thought There/Their/They’re were real sons-of-bitches and they gave me fits. I eventually mastered them and now they are like my obedient little eunuch servants.
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However, it occurred to me that there are other common confusions that I run across regularly while reading crap online:
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whose / who’s
desert / dessert
me too / me, too
And my absolute biggest pet peeve, which is incorrectly expressed nine out of ten times regardless of the person’s education level:
I could care less / I couldn’t care less
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Maybe Jenny Baranick will address these ‘problem children’ in a future book titled, perhaps, ‘Diphthongs, Homophones, Pregnant Pauses, The Bilabial, The Copulative, And Other Sexy Parts Of Speech’.
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[Decades ago my brother Nappy gave me the formula for getting desert / dessert right 100% of the time: A desert consists of sand – one s; a dessert consists of sugar and spice – s one and s two. I never misspelled them again.]
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Alright, so maybe Jenny Baranick’s ‘Missed Periods And Other Grammar Scares’ isn’t going to inspire teenaged boys to begin spray-painting "Grammar Rules!" in urban alleys. Regardless, it is a very educational book that is fun 'n' flirty, and it would make an excellent Christmas gift for the semi-literate lover chained to the mattress in your bedroom.
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HOKEY-SMOKE! Did I really just write “fun 'n' flirty”? Sheesh! In a single sentence I’ve lost my ‘Man Card’ for life. I’ll get you for this, Jenny, and your little Auntie Em Dash, too!
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy 
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Postscript: Any grammar and punctuation errors in the above review are not a reflection on Jenny Baranick’s teaching ability, but on my C average ability to learn. (The C stands for crappy.)
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* Footnote: ‘STICKS AND STONES: Male Sex Organs - An Owner’s Manual’ is not real and neither is the author, Harrison J. Bounel. But you should Google his name anyway, just to see what results you get. They may surprise you.
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YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.
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