THE TRUTH ABOUT TRUTH:

All truth passes through three stages.
First, it is ridiculed.
Second, it is violently opposed.
Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.



Thursday, November 27, 2014

'GOD AND THE CHESSBOARD OF LIFE’ (Or, ‘A TOMB WITH A VIEW’) - Part 1 Of 2

.
[Also, 'THE LAST WALTZ' - Part 1 Of 2]

On September 2, 2012, I published here at 'Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends' a blog bit titled 'How I'm Getting Over (The Hell That Is 2012)'. Pretending to be my brother Napoleon, in the comment section of that blog bit I wrote as a joke: It is my sad duty to inform you all that on Monday, September 3rd, Stephen committed suicide using a raw artichoke, a bottle of Hershey's chocolate syrup, and a Korean War dog tag. (Don't ask - believe me, you don't want to know!)” Well, as you can tell by this writing, I did manage to survive 2012 without offing myself with a raw artichoke. Unfortunately though, things have only gotten worse for me since 2012. I'll spare you the details. Just know that due to the combination of my home life and my job life, I have felt dead for over 3 years now – dead, Dead, DEAD!

Hokey-Smoke & Hoo-Wee! “This world” is full of surprises and I'm often bewildered by the twists & turns one life can take. Up can turn Down when you least expect it. In can turn Out when you're least prepared for it. And sometimes to your utter amazement you can find that folks you thought were so strong emotionally fold when it's 'Crunch Time'. (And sometimes that person folding can be us.) You can think you have all your ducks in a row and then life can turn on a dime, and not always in a positive direction.

Decisions that other folks make - completely independent of your input - can impact your life in ways you'd have never imagined and take your future plans and rip them into chunks 'n' tatters like a lost kite picked up by a passing tornado. That's where I am today. I had experienced some good times and some bad times, but I thought that after the suicides of two friends and the murder of a third, my worst times were behind me. And then... and then... here came the blues again!

I guess sometimes the best thing – or only thing – we can do is start over again from scratch. And now I know I have to step out in the darkness and take a chance, because I simply cannot live any longer with this anger and depression I've been feeling. I MUST respond to the situation; I MUST make changes to try salvaging what is left of the time I will live beyond this 55th year I'm enjoying [Cough!-Cough!] right now.

As some of you already know, I am intending to move out of Airheadzona in three months. Another change is that I am now, with this blog bit, officially making 'Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends' inactive. I've said everything here about politics and spirituality that I have to say (and I've said it all about 12 different ways). The only thing I never got to was my A-List examination of the U.S. Military, but some of you can probably imagine some of the things that blog bit would have contained.

As it is, I already have a collection of notes for that proposed anti-U.S. Military blog bit that is longer than your right and left arm combined. Will I ever return here and publish it? Maybe. But I wouldn't bet any money on it, and it won't be for quite awhile, if it happens at all. I need to walk away from this blog, get my life back in order, reignite my past Spiritual life and begin Meditating daily again, because I don't feel as close to God as I used to. At one time, I felt like I was in a state of prayer 24/7/365. I haven't felt that good in a long time.

Over the last year, some things have happened that I believe I can rightly interpret as God putting an Arm around me while whispering, “Remember Me, Stephen. Return to Me, My son.” I am going to share a few of those things with you before I leave.

There is a library where I work. During down times I'd take my Holy Bible in there and read it in a comfortable chair in a corner of one room, which just by mere chance happened to be the Religion section of the library. One night I glanced to my left and saw a book on a shoulder-height shelf next to me. It was titled 'GOD OF HOPE'. What really caught my attention though was the surname of the author: Illingworth. One of the men who 31 years ago founded the place where I work was a Christian minister named Illingworth, so curious, I pulled the book down from the shelf and discovered that it had been written by J. Davis Illingworth, the son of the organization's founder. On the title page was a handwritten note from the author, and it said: Listen to your heart. Romans 8:28. www.godofhope.net.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
~ Romans 8:28

I read 'GOD OF HOPE'. Already very familiar with The Holy Bible, there wasn't anything in the main body of the text that I didn't already know. But in the first chapter, 'Playing Chess With God', the author included some personal background information that really, Really, REALLY spoke to me. Here are the relevant excerpts:

I grew up in Wheeling, West Virgina, where my father was a minister. … My father always told me that God has a purpose and a plan for the lives of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). My father said that if he would play a game of chess with a master chess player like Bobby Fischer, no matter what move he would make on the board, Bobby Fischer would win. Similarly, in the game of life, God will always win but in a positive way. No matter what decision we make in life, God will make His move on the board of life that will get us who love Him where we are supposed to be when we are supposed to be there to fulfill His purpose and plan for our lives.

Our house had not even been listed yet, when two prospective buyers viewed the house on Saturday morning. The first couple offered us full price, and the second couple offered more than the asking price. Checkmate! We were moving to Cleveland, Ohio.

There are SO MANY little details in that story that speak to me that I can barely read it without feeling moisture welling up in my eyes.


Not too long afterwards, I was again in that library, seated in the same chair and reading some book of my own (probably The Bible) when I glanced to my left again and saw a book titled 'BEAUTIFUL OUTLAW' sitting there on the same shelf. It was written by somebody named John Eldredge. I was wondering: What is a book called 'BEAUTIFUL OUTLAW' doing in the Religion section?

I was too curious! This punk HAD to know. So I plucked the book from the shelf. The next thing I knew, I had read it cover-to-cover three times and had sent copies to about twelve friends, and I had written and published a review of it here at F-FFF:

Link:
'THE VERY BEST BOOK ABOUT JESUS CHRIST'* (Or, 'THE SECOND BEST BOOK ABOUT JESUS CHRIST') *other than 'The Holy Bible'

'BEAUTIFUL OUTLAW' didn't really teach me anything about Christ Yeshua that I didn't already know, but it was one of the very best books I have ever read – it immediately leaped onto my all-time Top 10 list – and it contained a message that I badly needed to be reminded of... at least three times ...because I had wandered so far from my Walk with my Holy King, my Best Friend, and my Big Brother.

On April 18, 2014, my buddy LC (DiscConnected) and I went to the Musical Instrument Museum for a Rickie Lee Jones concert. She played some of my favorite RLJ songs such as 'Young Blood', 'Chuck E.'s In Love', 'We Belong Together', 'On Saturday Afternoons In 1963', and 'Coolsville'. But for me (and I never mentioned this to LC) the highlight of the entire concert was when Rickie played a song I had never heard before. The song was 'THE MOON IS MADE OF GOLD', and I found out later that it was actually written by Rickie's late father.

While Rickie was standing center-stage and singing that song, it went straight into my heart and warmed me in a Divine-like way. I KNEW FOR SURE that I was MEANT to be hearing that song right then and there. God was speaking directly to me through that song, so I made it a point to remember the chorus so I could look it up later and find out where it came from, because I NEEDED to own a copy of it.

Curiously, I discovered that the song was from a RLJ album titled – of all things – 'BALM IN GILEAD'. (I trust you catch the significance.)


Basically, 'THE MOON IS MADE OF GOLD' is a “look for the silver lining” song, but it's upgraded to GOLD. And I still believe it was a gold that God wanted me to pay special attention to:

Don't feel bad because the Sun went down
The night has wealth untold
Just keep watching and you soon will see
The Moon is Made of Gold
And one by one
Your dreams will all come true
Magic you'll behold
Don't feel bad because the Sun went down
The Moon is Made of Gold

'THE MOON IS MADE OF GOLD' – Rickie Lee Jones



Continued in PART TWO.
For Part Two, click HERE.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy

YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.

'GOD AND THE CHESSBOARD OF LIFE’ (Or, ‘A TOMB WITH A VIEW’) - Part 2 Of 2

.
[Also, 'THE LAST WALTZ' - Part 2 Of 2]

Continued from PART ONE.
For Part One, click HERE.

'THE  RISEN  CHRIST'  -  YARNELL,  ARIZONA

You can think of this blog bit as a combination book review & personal State Of The Union address. The book is THE PROBLEM OF LIFE WITH GOD'. And by “a personal State Of The Union address”, I don’t mean my opinion about the condition of the country right now. (You don’t need me or anyone else to tell you about that! You can see and feel it for yourself.) What I mean is my view of the condition of my own personal mind, body, and spirit union. 

One night I was reading some book reviews when I came across a review and some comments posted by a guy named Micah who went by the pseudonym The Heavy Revy. In a couple of comments directed to certain individuals, he wrote the following:

I'd also recommend the book "The Problem of Life with God" by Tommy Nelson. It is the greatest book I've ever read and I've read thousands. If you are struggling with the hard things of life, this book will bless your heart and strengthen your faith. It is a MUST read. … If I had to recommend one book for every Christian to read, it would be this one. It is an awesome book. Hope you find a copy and enjoy it. God bless.
Micah 

Well, 'The Heavy Revy', Micah, seemed like a really nice guy with a heart for God. And an A-list book recommendation like that is something I simply couldn't resist, so I purchased a copy of 'THE PROBLEM OF LIFE WITH GOD: Living With A Perfect God In An Imperfect World' by pastor Tommy Nelson (2002).

After reading the book for the first time, I felt disappointed. The Heavy Revy's enthusiasm for the book seemed so stellar that naturally my expectation was unrealistically high. I was anticipating something mind-blowing that was going to instantly transform my life. But when I finished the book, my thinking was more like: That's it? That's the greatest book amongst thousands? Gee, what a letdown. 

But then about two days later a funny thing happened. And by “a funny thing” what I mean is that God pulled a great, Divine trick on me. Illingworth was right – no matter what move we make on The Chessboard Of Life, God has a way of responding that can turn the board completely around. God is THE Master of masters when it comes to the game of chess ...and life.

A couple days after I finished 'THE PROBLEM OF LIFE WITH GOD' and felt the disappointment with it, I suddenly got the urge to look up some little detail in the book. When I say a little detail, I mean something incredibly stupid, Stupid, STUPID!...

Numerous times in 'THE PROBLEM OF LIFE WITH GOD' author and pastor Tommy Nelson mentions “Rocky Road ice cream”. Now lemme tell ya sumpin': I loves me some ice cream! I could happily live on nuttin' but ice cream. However, I have never particularly cared for 'Rocky Road' ice cream. I mean, it's OK, but it would perhaps be the variety of ice cream I would buy ONLY if NO other choice was open to me.

But for some totally incomprehensible reason I suddenly felt compelled to locate the very first place in the book where Tommy Nelson mentioned 'Rocky Road' ice cream. I had NO IDEA why I should look for that, but the urge was completely overwhelming. So I took my book off the shelf again and started flipping through it. And here's the “little miracle” that God performed: He HID the first reference to 'Rocky Road' ice cream from me! I did find that type of ice cream mentioned in several places but I could tell by the wording that these were not the FIRST mention of 'Rocky Road'.

I kid you not, I spent literally a couple HOURS trying to find what I HAD to find, but I couldn't find it. Now I was ticked off because I'd wasted hours of my time and had scanned every single page where it had to be. I mean, I was going through every chapter page by page but if it was on any of those pages it was completely invisible to my eyes.

I'm a fairly easy-going guy, but I DO have a stubborn streak that arises from time to time (got it from my Ma who got it from her Pa) and God knows this about me. Buried below my usually calm exterior is a stubbornness and a strong will that can make me as determined as a dog digging up a yard because it KNOWS it buried a good bone somewhere in that yard.

So, finally my frustration built up to such a peak that I got angry and thought: FINE! I'll just read this whole damned book again and find that first reference to 'Rocky Road' ice cream! 

And that is the ONLY reason that three days after completing 'THE PROBLEM OF LIFE WITH GOD' I read the entire book a second time, cover-to-cover!

But guess what! After reading the book a second time, already knowing everything in it, so I had no unrealistic expectations, I found that I REALLY LIKED THE BOOK! Apparently, God had intended for me to give the book a second chance, and so first, He planted this unexplainable compulsion (NOT “compelsion”, Barney!) in me to find the initial mention of 'Rocky Road' ice cream in the book. Then He literally HID the reference from my eyes, and utilized my stubborn streak to force me to read Tommy Nelson's book again.

Below are just some of the passages that I particularly enjoyed, passages that really said things that I KNOW I was meant to read again and take to heart: 

'THE PROBLEM OF LIFE WITH GOD:
Living With A Perfect God In An Imperfect World' 
by Tommy Nelson (copyright 2002) 

The book of Ecclesiastes is amazing. It answers some of the most troubling questions we face as men and women: 
 
How can I keep from becoming bitter toward God?
How do I deal with the uncertainty of life? 
What do I do when I'm not sure of God's will?
 
As a pastor, most of the heartfelt questions I get asked have to do with what is called the problem of evil: If God is sovereign, He is powerful enough to eliminate evil. If He is good, He would. Since evil clearly exists, God must not be sovereign or He must not be good. 
~ page 1 

Nature is not heading toward a climactic point but is performing an endless cycle of the same thing every day. You can almost hear the “pocketa pocketa” of the cosmic machine's gears and pistons in motion. 
~ page 14 

What is the most important verse in the Bible? That's easy. It's Genesis 1:1 - “In the beginning God...” If you want to understand reality, you have to start with God. 
~ page 39 

In some ways, we'll have as much of a problem with God as we had without Him in the first few chapters [of Ecclesiastes]. That's something I love about the Book of Ecclesiastes: Solomon is brutally honest. 
~ page 43 

Yet God turned the most evil thing that has ever happened into the best thing that has ever happened. Today we can celebrate Jesus's suffering and death because He triumphed over sin and rose from the grave. For three days, it didn't make sense. On the third day, everything became clear. Jesus had been “delivered up by the predetermined plan and foreknowledge of God” (Acts 2:23) 
~ page 57 

Can't [God] take your situations and use them for His good? Will He explain it all to you? He will not. God doesn't promise that there will be a “third day” when we will understand all the bad things that have happened in our lives. But He does give us the promises we need to place all our trust in Him. He requires one thing of you in the face of this uncertainty: Don't let what you can't control destroy what you can enjoy. 
~ page 58 

God has rigged life so that we have to trust Him even though it doesn't always make sense. 
~ page 60 

Solomon reiterates his earlier point: Do not let what you can't understand destroy what you can enjoy. As encouraged in the previous chapter, go eat some Rocky Road, find some good friends, and read a good book. Go catch a baseball game. Choose a beautiful afternoon, grab your friends and go sit in the stands, get a cold drink and a Snickers, and enjoy the game because we're all going to die someday.

Do you know what the word “lot” means in [Ecclesiastes 3] verse 22? It means a heritage – an inheritance. God gives you fun times right now. God gives you Rocky Road – that's the Hebrew. Don't live in constant fear of what might happen. 
~ page 63 
[“Most things I worry about never happen anyway”. ~Tom Petty / 'Crawling Back To You'] 

We are always shaped by pain. 
~ page 98 

A wise man knows God can change things in a heartbeat. Anytime God wants to, He can turn your world upside down. So a wise man rests in the sovereignty of God, rather than taking matters in his own hands.

So if you have trouble that is heavy on you right now, know that it's all in the sovereign purposes of God. Change what you can change. Be wise. But in what you can't change, rest in the sovereignty of God. 
~ page 132 

Remain poised. ...Keep listening. Take the first fruits of your wealth and give them to the Lord. Spend time every day in your Bible and prayer. Check yourself for moral purity.

On things you can't control, you can rest. 
~ page 133 

I know I'm not in control. If the results depended on me, I'd be worried sick. But it's not up to me, it's up to God, and He's a lot more dependable than I am.

I know Who holds tomorrow even if I don't know what tomorrow holds. 
~ page 134 

In a game of chess, different pieces occupy squares all over the board. The pawns, bishops, rooks, knights, queens, and kings have different abilities and positions of power. But at the end of the game, where do all the pieces end up? In a box.

Solomon says that life is the same way. The righteous and the unrighteous, the moral and the immoral, the goody-two-shoes and the low-down, no-good[nik], egg-sucking dog – they all die. Every last one of them will end up in a box. 
~ page 145 

Have you asked God to forgive you and surrendered your life to Christ in repentance and faith? Let me encourage you to deal with this issue right now.

If you evaluate this world based on the here and now, you'll be frustrated, confused, and depressed.

Even in difficult times, remember that your day will come. 
~ page 155 

But how do you live confidently and boldly when you're not sure how things are going to turn out?
~ page 174

Solomon is saying to live boldly and let the chips fall where they may. Live fearlessly in a life you can't always control. If you live scared, you won't have a life. … Still, you have to find balance. Don't let your boldness make you foolish. You can't gamble everything because nothing is a sure bet. 
~ page 175 

God will get you to His destination, but en route He makes sure you go through things that force you to trust Him. 
~ page 176 

Too many Christians freeze because they don't know what God wants them to do. They suffer from a paralysis of analysis. When facing a decision in their lives, they want God to tell them exactly what their choices should be. Does God have to tell you what to do? Will God tell you what to do? 
~ page 178

I feel the following paragraphs address the idea that I, personally, was MOST meant to take away from Tommy Nelson's book, although there were plenty of other important lessons for me to meditate upon which I found within this excellent publication: 

There is a difference between right or wrong decisions and right or left decisions. In the Bible, the will of God always refers to moral choices – decisions where one path leads to sin and the other to righteousness. For these right or wrong decisions, we can know the will of God. It's found in the Bible. We need to pray and pursue the path of righteousness.

For the right or left decisions, God is under no obligation to reveal His plan to us. More than likely, He will not. That's why in Ecclesiastes Solomon says you just have to be bold and act.

Too often, Christians are looking for a no-fault deal. We try to do insider trading with God to get some information that will show us which choice is best for us. But God doesn't do insider trading. He does not reveal His plan to men. ...

God won't tell your fortune; He has already told you your duty. If it's a right or left decision, pray about it and then boldly follow your heart. Instead of withdrawing, let the uncertainties of life make you more faithful. 
~ page 179 

You have to venture out boldly and let the sovereignty of God be your comfort, not your excuse. Try lots of different things. You never know which ones God will choose to bless. Give yourself every chance to succeed.

Let God be God. Do what you have to do and then trust God's sovereignty.

Even when it doesn't cooperate, life is still an amazing adventure. 
[Yeah, I'm looking at you, Nitro!]
~ page 180 

We ask, “Should I take this job or that job?” Which job do you want to take? Take it.

If something is not against God's law, you can do it just because you want to. God wants us to enjoy life. We don't always have to turn everything into a mystical decision. If you love God, do what you want to do. God will control things in His sovereignty.

Quit being a worrywart. You can't enjoy life if you're always scared. Live large, go for it, and have fun within the context of holiness. 
~ page 183 

Read your Bible all the way through every year. 
[This recommendation I've already been doing for about the last 20 years. No matter how disheartening my life has become over the years, I never stopped reading The Holy Bible. I can say that much for me.]
~ page 185 

There's a story told on pages 204 & 205 that brought a tear or two to my eyes. It's about a Russian woman in Paris encountering a pastor's wife on her way to Detroit by way of Chicago. [Sounds like it could be a pretty WILD SONG.]

But I've decided not to tell that whole story here. If you want to know it, buy Tommy Nelson's book 'THE PROBLEM OF LIFE WITH GOD'. I'll just type the closing few sentences of that nonfiction story below: 

You don't have to have great faith, but rather the simple faith of trusting Him with childlike innocence. No matter what you are going through, He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

 

The Bible can sometimes seem overwhelming. But the entire Bible was written to bring you to one point. 
~ page 205 

DON'T WAIT FOR GOD TO REVEAL YOUR FUTURE; OBEY GOD AND FOLLOW YOUR HEART. 

We ought not to be paralyzed by fear of the future. We know that God cares for us. If we are seeking to love Him, we ought to follow our dreams and step out in faith to serve Him. 
~ page 209 

God will determine the outcome. It's our job to walk faithfully with Him along the way. 

In the New Testament, there are 1,934 verses that quote the words of Jesus. Almost ten percent of these contain an Old Testament quotation or allusion. Jesus knew the Word of God. … Are you actively applying God's Word to your life?
 ~ page 211

One problem for me is that I’ve always been expecting this one big moment to occur when God would reveal His plan for me and help me to achieve it. But Tommy Nelson (and Tom Petty) have set me straight on that:

Tom Petty: Everybody’s waiting on something that hasn’t come yet.” 

YOU CAN STILL CHANGE YOUR MIND 
(You Can Change Your Feelings)’


It's gonna be another hard night
You wanna take it all alone
You wanna face up to your trouble
You wanna face up to your soul
And, baby, you can have it any way you want it
You just get a little lost from time to time
Sometimes it gets a little crazy
Somewhere down inside

But you can still change your mind
You can change your feelings
You can change your mind

Everybody wants all the world can give 'em
Everybody wants to get all they can get 
Everybody's waiting on something
That hasn't come yet 
And you can hide it for a little while, honey
You can try and just lose it for awhile
Then it's gonna do something to ya
Somewhere down inside

But you can still change your mind
You can change your feelings
You can change your mind

Yeah, and it gets harder by the minute, girl
Oh, it gets harder every day
Listen to me, darlin', oh, you don't have to wait 

It's alright, you can still change your mind
You can change your feelings
Just hold tight, EGBOK 
If you change your mind 
You can change your feelings 

God bless Robin, because she seemed to echo and verify messages I felt I'd already received from God via the books 'GOD OF HOPE', 'BEAUTIFUL OUTLAW', and 'THE PROBLEM OF LIFE WITH GOD'.

In the Numerology Chart analysis that my friend Robin Emailed to me (as mentioned in greater detail HERE), she included the following insightful paragraph: 

Once again, the 5 has popped up. I like "this vibration is called to transform our daily lives." When you achieve the destiny of the 5... kaboom. Yes, it is in conflict with your Life Path (that dratted 4 that longs for security), but when you can let go and just let those horses run and trust the double 7s to keep you spiritually grounded your life will be one huge adventure. You just have to LET GO. That 4 in the 14 isn't helping you achieve this destiny, so be very aware of it.
(Me – GIRL WONDER) 

Well, in walking away from this blog, in vowing to return to daily meditation sessions, and in abandoning the security of life in Airheadzona (no matter how much I dislike life in Airheadzona) and making the bold move to start life over again in a state where I've never lived and in a city where nobody knows my name, I believe I am indeed following the advice to “let go and just let those horses run and trust the double 7s to keep (me) spiritually grounded”. 

This is a right or left decision, so I am going to “pray about it and then boldly follow (my) heart”. 

On this 'Thanksgiving Day', I am thankful for the ability God has given me to start over and to choose to more fully align myself with Him ...again.

I love y’all – every single one o’ ya.
(Yeah, and I mean YOU, too!)

Ladies and gentlemen (for now anyway),
"Stephen has left the blogging."

We Have Fallen Asleep In God's Embrace, 
Having A Nightmare That We Are Elsewhere. 

May You Bless And Be Blessed!

ADIOS  Y...
...VAYA  CON  DIOS.

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 
~  Jeremiah 29:11
(aka Denleilu 03:18) 

~ Stephen T. McCarthy 

POSTSCRIPT: 
I will continue to publish and respond to comments left on this 'Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends' blog for as long as I'm able to (see 'Ye Olde Comment Policy' below). I also intend to keep my blog STMcC Presents 'BATTLE OF THE BANDS' operational for as long as there's an interest in it. I post new music “Battles” there on the 1st and 15th of each month. Feel free to meet me there, to comment and vote. I'd love to interact with you, whoever ya are.

YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

'MENSA-DONKEY 101' (Or, 'HOW TO WIN ENEMIES AND IRRITATE LIBERALS')

.
MENSA-DONKEY 101
[*From the STMcC Archive: Thursday, May 22, 2008] 

In my last blog bit titled 'One For My Baby And One More For The Road', I did not post that song anywhere because that's just what you were expecting me to do. But now that you're not expecting it anymore, here it is, for you to listen to while reading the rest o' this blog bit:



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m121tmJzcAc

Welcome to 'Mensa-donkey 101' or 'How To Win Enemies And Irritate Liberals' (Pay attention because there WILL be a test.)

For a few years now, I have used the expression “A Mensa-donkey In Phoenix, Airheadzona” in conjunction with my pseudonym. It seems that this has led to some confusion, with some individuals assuming that I am a member of Mensa. Truth is, I occasionally coin my own words and phrases. For example, “Liquidated” means Dead Drunk. Regarding the local football team, in the past, when the team was truly atrocious, I have said that “The Arizona Cardinals are so bad they couldn’t even beat the Arizona Cardinals.” (Feel free to borrow the phrase whenever your own sports team is stinking up your taxpayer-funded stadium.)

Thinking that he was putting me in my (egotistical) place, a Liberal once left this remark for me in the Comment section of one of my Amazon.scum reviews: “Sorry but I'll never be as dumb as you need me to be. I'm MENSA too but I don't put it at the end of my Amazon moniker.”

Being a proud non-Mensa smart-ass, I responded with this: “Mensa-donkey is my own euphemism for Smart-ass, and I would have expected a Mensa member to ‘get it’ without explanation. I wouldn't know whether or not I qualify for membership because I've never felt a need to have my intelligence evaluated and verified by some preening, egotistical, egg-headed organization.”

You don’t tug on Superman’s cape; you don’t spit into the wind; you don’t pull the mask off the ol’ Lone Ranger; and you don’t mess around with a Mensa-donkey Master.


The idea that anyone would mistake me for a Mensa member is pretty laughable: I was a straight “C” student in high school... although I WAS above average in athletics and in girl-watching at the beach during periods 2, 3, and 4 (I always returned to school after lunch because in my 5th period Public Speaking class I sat next to Jean Gonzalez - a seriously hot babe! Yow!) And I undoubtedly have the lowest SAT scores ever recorded this side of the Special Olympics. (I used to answer the first 5 to 7 questions properly, but then I’d get bored and rebellious and start turning my answer page into pictures: “Let’s see… I’ll make section 2 a Peace Sign, and section 3 a big star, and section 4 will be a Colt .45.” That wouldn’t go over so well today because they now frown on guns in school, even if the gun doesn’t shoot lead but is merely comprised of No. 2 pencil lead on an SAT answer sheet.)

I have no idea what my I.Q. is because I’ve never had it tested as I don’t really believe in the accuracy of I.Q. tests (and that alone probably makes me some kind of a genius).

I don’t know if there are any advantages to being a Mensa member, but I know that there are advantages to being an effective smart-ass. For one thing, people who are aware of your style and smart-ass aptitude don’t mess with you much. A very funny friend of mine recently said to me that he thinks I “sort of do debate martial arts, catching [an opponent’s] line and using it against him in improved form.” (A great compliment which I value more than I would the phony back-patting from 100 card-carrying Mensa eggheads.)

Another surprising benefit of advanced Mensa-donkey martial arts is that it dissuades friends from E-mailing you those silly questionnaires that are supposed to test your personality, or loyalty, or attractiveness to the opposite sex. (You know what I’m talking about here... those quizzes that you never received prior to the invention of E-mail - back when people had to address an envelope and put a first-class stamp on it.)

There are a couple of basic ideas to keep in mind if you want to sharpen your own Mensa-donkey skills and eventually earn your Black Belt:

#1) The acronym N.A.S.A. stands for National Aeronautics and Space Administration, but some observers commenting on that famous spaced-out organization’s notorious tendency to obfuscate issues and evade straightforward questions have charged that the acronym really stands for Never A Straight Answer”. (When you've lied for decades to the Americonned Sheeple about having landed men on the Moon and returning them to Earth, you really can't afford to give straight answers.)


This is a truly essential acronym for Mensa-donkeys to remember also, as it goes right to the heart of being a smart-ass. Always think NASA: Never A Straight Answer. Nothing infuriates a person like getting twisted responses to basic questions. Someone has asked you a very upfront, forthright question and is expecting a direct and valid answer in response? Never give them a straight answer; take their question and TWIST IT!

#2) Consider words and how they can be wielded. Many words (and phrases) have multiple meanings, or can be given new interpretations with just a little bend - and this can be an effective weapon when an opponent’s own “wordSword” can be bent backwards and used to disembowel him or her. (Ain’t that a cool word? WordSword: it’s the word “word” twice with the bent letter “S” in the middle. I dunno, I guess I’m just easily entertained.) Example: When a Liberal said to me, “You're quite full of yourself, aren't you?” I answered his question with, “I would much rather be full of myself than be full of what you are!” Word starts with “W”, and so does “Weapon.” Coincidence? I don’t think so! Always ask yourself: “How can I use his words against him?” And then DO IT!

#3) Alliteration. Is this just a natural God-given gift? Whether or not alliteration can actually be taught and mastered as other skills can be is still a hotly contested point in Mensa-donkey dojos the world over, but the bottom line is this: Alliteration is an effective device which strikes hard and makes a blow more memorable. The “Morning After Alliteration Sting” (MAAS) has been recognized and hailed as the premier "junkyard dog bite" of Mensa-donkeyness by the Master Smart-asses throughout history. If you’ve got the gift, USE IT!

Are you ready to test your new Mensa-donkey skills? Sometime back I received one of those silly E-mail questionnaires from a friend with too much time on his hands. Well, I applied my Master Mensa-donkey techniques in answering it, and then returned it as requested. Needless to say, my friend hasn’t sent me an E-mail quiz since, and that’s a good thing. (He’s still a friend, and that’s a good thing, too.)

Following are the same 49 questions that my buddy sent to me. Get your old No. 2 pencil and a piece of paper, and answer them, keeping in mind the Mensa-donkey principles we discussed earlier. After completing the test, check your answers against mine (below) and see how you compare to a certified Master in Mensa-donkey martial arts.

1. Full name?
2. Were you named after anyone?
3. Do you wish on stars?
4. When did you last cry?
5. Do you like your handwriting?
6. What is your favorite lunch meat?
7. How many kids?
8. Names and ages of kids?
9. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
10. Do you have a journal?
11. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
12. Would you bungee jump?
13. What is your favorite cereal?
14. Do you think you are strong emotionally and physically?
15. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
16. Shoe size?
17. Red or Pink?
18. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
19. Who do you miss most?
20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back?
21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing?
22. Last thing you ate?
23. What are you listening to right now?
24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
25. Favorite smells?
26. Last person you talked to on the phone?
27. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
28. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
29. Favorite Drink?
30. Favorite Sport to watch?
31. Hair Color?
32. Eye Color?
33. Do you wear contacts?
34. Favorite food?
35. Scary movie or Happy ending?
36. Last Movie you watched?
37. Favorite Day of the Year?
38. Summer or Winter?
39. Who do you hate in life?
40. Favorite Dessert?
41. Who is most likely to respond?
42. Least likely to respond?
43. What books are you reading?
44. What's on your mouse pad?
45. What did you watch last night on TV?
46. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
47. What's the furthest you've been from home?
48. Do you have a special talent?
49 Favorite Quote?

Now compare your answers to the answers I gave to the same questions:

1. Full name?
Stephen T. McCarthy

2. Were you named after anyone?
No, I was the first born of my siblings.

3. Do you wish on stars?
I wished on Susan Dey once, but she never showed up.

4. When did you last cry?
This afternoon while slicing onions for my Limburger cheese sandwich.

5. Do you like your handwriting?
I'd rather it was lifting a bottle of Budweiser to my lips.

6. What is your favorite lunch meat?
Does Spam count as meat?

7. How many kids?
No more than two, and only if properly cooked.

8. Names and ages of kids?
Oh, I don't care about that as long as they're not underdone.

9. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
I don't know. Which other person?

10. Do you have a journal?
I forget; let me consult my diary and find out.

11. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
A lot? No. I use it exclusively.

12. Would you bungee jump?
Bungee jumping is for wimps who play it safe; I ride a motorcycle!

13. What is your favorite cereal?
Budweiser.

14. Do you think you are strong emotionally and physically?
Call me a name and see if I don't kick your butt!

15. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Can I have a slice of pie instead?

16. Shoe size?
Which foot?

17. Red or Pink?
If it's all the same to you, I'd prefer a Chablis.

18. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
Well, some people say that I tend to repeat myself. I don't really believe that, but that's what they say, that I tend to repeat myself.

19. Who do you miss most?
The cat - it's pretty quick.

20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back?
If I wanted it back, why would I have sent it in the first place?

21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing?
Shoes again? You have a foot fetish, don't you? You really should see someone about that.

22. Last thing you ate?
A Limburger and onion sandwich.

23. What are you listening to right now?
The hum of my computer and the clicking of my keyboard.

24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Color me sad.

25. Favorite smells?
I don't know Favorite. Does he?

26. Last person you talked to on the phone?
The secretary of my girlfriend's ex-husband's lawyer.

27. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
The size of her... 
bank account.

28. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
If he's buying the next round I do.

29. Favorite Drink?
A case of Budweiser.

30. Favorite Sport to watch?
Horse racing when my long shot comes into the homestretch with a 15 length lead.

31. Hair Color?
Hair?

32. Eye Color?
Kind of a bloodshot.

33. Do you wear contacts?
No, I usually write or call them.

34. Favorite food?
Budweiser.

35. Scary movie or Happy ending?
What does Happy's ending look like?

36. Last Movie you watched?
The Last Picture Show.

37. Favorite Day of the Year?
Payday.

38. Summer or Winter?
Why are Fall and Spring being ignored? What do you have against Fall and Spring?

39. Who do you hate in life?
 No one - they're all dead now.

40. Favorite Dessert?
Budweiser.

41. Who is most likely to respond?
The one who most needs to get a life. (That appears to be me.)

42. Least likely to respond?
Susan Dey

43. What books are you reading?
Thought you'd catch me with a trick question, eh? I'm not reading books... I'm reading an E-mail questionnaire.

44. What's on your mouse pad?
A roof?
[*Note: Whereas “My Mouse” would be a fine answer worthy of any self-professed Mensa-donkey, a real Master such as myself, gives not only the unexpected answer but also reinterprets the word “pad”, too. The technical term for this advanced technique is “Double Whammy.”]

45. What did you watch last night on TV?
The screen.

46. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
The Beach Boys.

47. What's the furthest you've been from home?
You mean today? Fry's market.

48. Do you have a special talent?
Is this a family questionnaire?

49. Favorite Quote?
"The King Of Beers."

Wait a minute here! Where's question #50? Who the hell sends a questionnaire with 49 questions on it? That's like rapping out "Shave And A Haircut" but failing to knock "Two Bits!" I just knew I shouldn't have gotten mixed up in this!

Grasshopper, now that you are graduating toward a Black Belt in the art of Mensa-donkey, let me give you just a couple more pointers to help send you on your way:

*When performing debate martial arts against a Liberal’s Socialistic bovine excrement, always remember to direct your laser-guided verbal barbs at the Liberal’s bleeding heart; never succumb to the temptation to go for the head shot, thinking to obliterate the Lib’s brain - this military tactic just assumes way too much.

*Remember the important acronym NASA: Never A Straight Answer.

*But most of all, don’t ever forget that possessing Mensa-donkey skills is a tremendous responsibility. Never take that responsibility lightly! Don’t be an evil smart-azz (a demon); always be a Mensa-donkey for good (an angel). The demons may get the girls, but the angels get the... The angels get the... Hmmm... Well, hell! Look, just be a “good” Mensa-donkey, will ya? After all, when axed about it, Lizzie Borden said, “Goodness is its own reward.”

AN  OBAMA  VOTER  ON  HIS  WAY  TO  THE  POLLING  PLACE
 
But it's not how people vote that determines a civilization's destiny – it's what makes them vote how they vote that does. In 2008 and 2012, for instance, the problem was not that the majority of the electorate voted for Obama. It was that they were the kind of people who could vote for an Obama.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy 

YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.