WHY ARE THERE NO HOMELESS ATHEISTS?

.
This is something that has puzzled me for many years: Why is it that there are no homeless atheists? Does God throw out into the streets only those individuals who believe in His existence?

It seems as though every single money-begging bum on every street corner or freeway offramp holds a piece of cardboard upon which is scrawled - in one form or another - the lament “Woe is me; please help” followed by the phrase “God bless you.” Donate a portion of your money to a homeless man or woman and he or she will call down God’s blessing upon you. What are the odds that any person who finds himself out on the streets will believe in God? Apparently it’s 100 percent. How strange! In light of this surprising statistic, perhaps the best thing a person can do in order to maintain a roof over their head is to deny the existence of God.

I’ll admit, however, that the sharpest panhandler I ever witnessed didn’t even need to “use God” in order to rake in the dough. This woman really knew her business; she was aware that, as in good real estate, the key to good begging is: Location! Location! Location!

This was about 1991, and the woman had staked out a place for herself at a Trader Joe’s in North Hollywood. Trader Joe’s, home away from home for every weed-smoking, hemp-wearing hippie; every ecology-sweating, dimwitted, Democrat Ding-Dong; every earringed and ponytailed Marxist moviemaker; and every bra-burning, boob-sagging spokeswoman for P.P.F.A.R. (Pro-Choice People For Animal Rights). Trader Joe’s uses recycled paper grocery bags, and so they all shop Trader Joe’s “for the children.”

Our homeless woman had positioned herself at the Trader Joe’s parking lot exit, and she just stood there in dirty clothes and matted hair, holding a leash leading to a sad-eyed dog. (All the best beggars borrow or rent a dog in order to simultaneously draw two bows across your heartstrings.) She had no sign because she needed to say nothing, but relied solely on the guilty consciences of the customers leaving the store with their organic peanut butter, pine nut salad, tofu mignon, and bottles and bottles of sparkling wine from Fruity ‘Frisco Farms. The customers driving out of the parking lot were lined up ten-deep, money in hand and arms extended out the driver’s side windows, patiently waiting for their opportunity to pull up beside the poor, homeless woman and give her money. She just stood there raking it in. Why it almost made me proud to be a member of the human race.

Wasn’t it P.T. Barnum who said, “There’s a bleeding-heart Liberal born every minute”? To which I’ll add: And they all learn to shop Trader Joe’s... for the children.

In these hard economic times, I think we should all renounce our belief in God, embrace atheism, and thereby save our homes! Let’s vow not to be the foolish ones who end up living on the streets with nothing but a cardboard sign and the blessing of God to give.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
.