BIG MACK ATTACK!

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[From the STMcC archive; 2006, August 31]

How much better than wine is your love,
And the scent of your perfumes
Than all spices!
~ Song Of Solomon

I read through my Bible each year, always dreading the day I’ll come to ‘Song Of Solomon’. Although I find it embarrassing, some people really seem to get off on it. Dr. Chuck Missler writes, “No book of the entire Bible has given rise to more commentary or difference of opinion. Some think it is just an allegory, others that it is literal, and still some as a handbook for sensual lovemaking . . . Great stuff. The rabbis wouldn’t let anyone study the book until they were over thirty.”

Yeah? Well imagine saying to a beautiful woman at a cocktail party, “Your hair is like a flock of goats going down from Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of sheep which have come up from the washing…Your neck is like an ivory tower…Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon which looks toward Damascus.”

Would you like some cheese to go with that wine you’re wearing?

And then there’s the passage in chapter seven: “How fair and how pleasant you are, O love, with your delights! This stature of yours is like a palm tree, and your breasts like its clusters. I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of its branches.” That always reminds me of the Steve Miller song, THE JOKER, in which he sings, “You’re the cutest thing that I ever did see; I really love your peaches, wanna shake your tree.”

For me, the only redeeming aspects of ‘Song Of Solomon’ are a couple of verses (such as the one I opened this review with) that remind me of the perfume, MACKIE For Women.

My most serious and long-lasting romance was with a woman I called “The Countess”, based on Jeanne Moreau’s character in filmdom’s greatest tragic romance, MONTE WALSH (1970). In 1994, after five years and five months to the day, the Countess and I finally called it quits for good and went our separate ways, however, happily, we retained our friendship. But once upon a time we used to like to test the many perfumes and colognes at department stores, even though I could never find any I cared for. They were always too “_____." ("floral"; "chemical"; "overpowering"; "sweet"; "stinky"; you name it). With me, it was always ACK!, UGH!, YUCK!, GACK!, and PHEW!

But then one day the Countess said, “How about this one?” I inhaled and said, “MMMmmmm…” We had found MMMmmmmackie. And since the Countess liked it too, that became her scent.

I wish I had some MACKIE now so I could accurately describe that fragrance, but relying on a dozen-year-old memory, I recall it as being only lightly floral; more like luscious fruit, drizzled with warm honey, sprinkled with spice and talcum powder, then mixed with white lace and promises, and a twist of “Come hither.” What’s “Come hither”? Danged if I can explain it, but believe me, a guy knows it when he encounters it. Take it from a “Real Man” whose nose knows... (or just take it from me).

And that reminds me, we now have a term: “Girlie Girls”. These are females who revel in their femininity. In my youth, there was no need for such a category because nearly all girls were girlie; they all played to their “natural” strength of femininity. They knew how to manipulate men with their tender qualities. They knew how to be ladies and how to make men feel good about being men. And the men loved them for it.

But now, most women I see come off more masculine than most males I know. (I think that with the death of Waylon Jennings, my Brother and I, and one other guy I’ve read about who lives in Chicago, are probably the only “Real Men” left. And really, my Brother may just be a little TOO “Real.”) But MACKIE For Women is a scent for that rare breed of woman today who still remembers what it means to be a woman, and who wants to present herself accordingly. If you’re one of those butch babes, tattooed and truck-driving, putting MACKIE on is going to be like putting a gold necklace on a grrrl gorilla. I’d say, save yer money instead for a really nice tattoo of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

MACKIE is a standout scent - it isn’t just another perfume. Some time after the Countess and I went phfft, I found myself speaking with a woman who had a familiar aura about her. “Are you wearing MACKIE?” I asked. She was stunned that I was able to identify it. I let her go on believing that I was simply a finely cultured gentleman. (Now that I think about it . . . maybe she thought I was one of those “funny” guys. No, I don’t mean comedians.)

And later still, I thought I caught a whiff of it emanating from a woman on the street. I nearly had a big Mack attack! Under ordinary circumstances, I would have immobilized her against a wall and said, “I wanna shmell ya!” But in this case, she happened to be walking an extraordinarily large and high-strung looking dog, so I somehow managed to pull myself together and let her walk on by.

If you want to revisit a time when “girlie” was common, when women were ladies and ladies were so smart they knew how to get their way with men without even having to compete with them, then MACKIE is your first move on the way to “checkmate.” It’s probably not going to change your whole life - just your love life. (Of course, sometimes that too creates a wide-ranging rearranging). But think how enjoyable it’s going to be to send men the olfactory signal that you’re a real lady, and to see them mysteriously compelled to treat you like one.

But just to be on the safe side, you might want to keep Rover nearby – a lotta guys are gonna wanna shmell ya!

~ Stephen T. McCarthy

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