MY SELF ON THE SHELF (Or, FROM “DISNEY” TO “DEAD” AND EVERYTHING IN-BETWEEN)

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“When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school
It’s a wonder I can think at all!”
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While out and about a little bit ago, I heard Paul Simon’s song ‘Kodachrome’ played on the radio and I just couldn’t help singing along . . . loudly.
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I love that song. And let’s face it, that’s one of the best lyric lines to be found in any Rock song. It’s right up there with “I heard you’re working for the C.I.A. / They wouldn’t have you in the MAF-I-A” from ‘Why Can’t We Be Friends’.


So, as I was singing along with Paul Simon, I got to thinking about how true that great line is. Seriously, I only learned four worthwhile things throughout all of my high school years. I learned that “there are no small parts, only small actors”, that Traffic was a great and greatly underrated band, that cute girls aren’t attracted to shy guys, and Clearasil don’t work.

There were only three activities that I enjoyed in high school: lunch, my ‘Rock Poetry’ class, and my ‘Life Drawing’ class on the days I slipped out after roll call had been taken and walked down to the beach with my buddy Eric.

And as I was thinking about all this, and about how I am an ENTIRELY self-educated man (‘cause high school didn’t teach me shit), I was reminded of what happened a couple nights ago . . .

I had just gotten home from work, it was about half past midnight, and I was standing in the den, absentmindedly staring at one of my bookcases while brushing my teeth with Jim Beam bourbon.

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I know you think I’m being facetious, but I swear I’m not. Ever since I was a small boy I have always brushed my teeth everywhere EXCEPT in the bathroom. As a teenager, several times daily I heard three demands from my parents, none of which I acceded to: “Comb your hair!”; “Turn down that 

so-called music!”; and “Brush your teeth in the bathroom!”

So there I was, brushing my teeth, getting ready for bed, and staring at the books in one of my bookcases when it suddenly dawned on me how many different types of books I had sitting there cover-against-cover. I have always described myself as “a multifaceted man with very wide-ranging interests” and those books, placed randomly in that bookcase with no regard to topic or theme, proved my self-description accurate. My books were so “all over the map” that I actually chuckled, causing a little whiskey to spray off my toothbrush and onto the bookcase.

I’ve decided to give y’all a little tour of this one and one-third shelf of my dog-eared books to illustrate how all-over-the-map-mad I am. I promise that I have not rearranged ANYTHING; these books are no more nor less half-assed placed in my bookshelf as I discovered them a couple nights ago.

We’ll begin with the top shelf, reading from left to right:

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‘DISNEY: THE MOUSE BETRAYED’ (Greed, Corruption, and Children at Risk) by Peter Schweizer [Reflects my childlike adoration of classic Disney and my informed hatred of modern Disney.]

‘GOD IN THE DOCK’ by C.S. Lewis

‘SAINT GERMAIN ON PROPHECY: Coming World Changes’ (Nostradamus on U.S./U.S.S.R. Confrontation; War In Europe; Earthquakes; Chernobyl) by Elizabeth Clare Prophet

‘TORTILLA FLAT’ by John Steinbeck

‘THIS WHEEL’S ON FIRE: Levon Helm And The Story Of The Band’ by Levon Helm

‘PERSECUTION: How Liberals Are Waging War Against Christianity’ by David Limbaugh

'THE LAW' (The Classic Blueprint For A Free Society) by Frederic Bastiat [Ah-Ha! And just when you were beginning to think I don’t read much classical stuffs, eh?]

‘THE GABRIEL METHOD’ (The Revolutionary Diet-Free Way To Totally Transform Your Body) by Jon Gabriel [I wanted to read this because I have long been fascinated by the spirit-mind-body connection.]

‘MYTHS AND FACTS: A Guide To The Arab-Israeli Conflict’ by Mitchell G. Bard

‘HOW AN ECONOMY GROWS AND WHY IT CRASHES’ by Peter D. Schiff [This is an excellent discourse on Economics for everyone who ever feared they couldn’t understand such a weighty topic. And after you’ve read this and discovered that even YOU, an MTV-Generation dude or dudette, can understand Economics, I want you to make sure you don’t miss reading ‘Economics In One Lesson’ by Henry Hazlitt. It’s probably the best of the several books on this subject that I have read.]

‘INTRUDERS’ by Budd Hopkins [A book about UFOs and Alien Abductions. Yes, they’re real and, yes, they happen!]

‘THE LYRICS OF TOM WAITS: The Early Years (1971-1982)’ [If it weren’t for the many errors and typos, this would be the greatest book ever published in the history of the world. But due to the many errors, it’s only second best, right behind ‘Official Liquor Buyers’ Guide’ by Jack Lewis.]

‘THE REAL LINCOLN’ (A New Look At Abraham Lincoln, His Agenda, And An Unnecessary War) by Thomas J. DiLorenzo

‘ONE WORLD’ (This New Updated Edition Reveals The Deep Forces Behind The Present Worldwide Transformation And How It Could Affect Life As We Know It.) by Tal Brooke

‘THE OFFICIAL HANDBOOK OF THE VAST RIGHT-WING CONSPIRACY’ (The Arguments You Need To Defeat The Loony Left) by Mark W. Smith

‘TALES FROM THE LEFT COAST’ (True Stories Of Hollywood Stars And Their Outrageous Politics) by James Hirsen

‘IT IS I WHO HAVE CHOSEN YOU’ (An Autobiography Of The Founder Of The Anti-Abortion ‘American Life League’) by Judie Brown

TOP SHELF CONTINUED . . . 

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‘ICONS OF EVOLUTION: Science Or Myth?’ (Why Much Of What We Teach About Evolution Is Wrong) by Dr. Jonathan Wells [Excellent book – amongst my favorite publications proving what a “Poo-Poo Head” Chuckie Darwin was!]

‘THE BEST OF ROBERT BENCHLEY’ by (you guessed it) Robert Benchley [This was a very entertaining gift from my buddy Sheboyganboy Six, and it shows beyond any doubt whatsoever that decades before my birth, that son-of-a-bitch Robert Benchley plagiarized my writing style. I’d sue his ass for every penny he ever made if he hadn’t died 14 years before I emerged from my Mama’s womb. Saved by the Grim Reaper he was!]

‘THE KINGDOM OF THE CULTS’ by Walter Martin

‘THE EARP PAPERS: In A Brother’s Image’ by Don Chaput [Reflects my interest in American West history.]

‘VIRGIL EARP: Western Peace Officer’ by Don Chaput [Ditto.]

‘THE NEAREST FARAWAY PLACE: Brian Wilson, The Beach Boys, And The Southern California Experience’ by Timothy White [A very interesting history/bio which was a gift from my dear friend The Flying Aardvark.]

‘MEDITATION AND THE MIND OF MAN’ by Dr. Herbert Puryear [For some years I attended Herbert Puryear’s New Age church in Airheadzona and learned firsthand what is wrong with New Age spiritual beliefs. Nevertheless, this remains one of the best books on meditation that I have read.]

‘BIBLE IN POCKET, GUN IN HAND: The Story Of Frontier Religion' by Ross Phares [Some really funny stuffs. Read my humor-driven review HERE.]

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‘TRIUMPH OVER TYRANNY, TAXATION, AND TREASON’ by Jeri Lynn Ball

‘GOODBYE, GOOD MEN: How Liberals Brought Corruption Into The Catholic Church’ by Michael S. Rose [I’ve never been Catholic, but I was very curious to learn how all that pedophilia became rampant in the Catholic church. Turns out it was a result of the usual activity by the usual suspects. Oops! Was that a politically incorrect statement? How unlike me! A thousand pardons.]

‘MOTHER TERESA’S SECRET FIRE’ (The Encounter That Changed Her Life, And How It Can Transform Your Own) by Joseph Langford

‘THE GIFT OF FORGIVENESS’ (You Have Within You The Power To Forgive, To Be Healed, And To Be Set Free To Live Your Life To The Fullest.) by Charles Stanley [Except of course when it comes to Liberals, who need to be flogged, NOT forgiven. Uhm... I should probably clarify... that’s my own viewpoint, not preacher Charles Stanley’s viewpoint. When it comes to Liberals I say: "You know what Merle Haggard says..."]

‘CAN GOD BLESS AMERICA?’ by John MacArthur

‘DAVE BARRY’S COMPLETE GUIDE TO GUYS’ by (you guessed it) Dave Barry [Chapter 4: ‘Tips For Women – How To Have A Relationship With A Guy’ is hysterically funny and alone worth the price of the book... “used”.  And if any woman thinks that Dave Barry was exaggerating in that section titled ‘The Public-Rest Room Problem’ just ask ANY heterosexual male you know. Any one of ‘em! Regardless of how insane (and humorous) it seems, nothing more factual has ever been written.]

‘HOLIDAYS IN HELL’ (In Which Our Intrepid Reporter Travels To The World’s Worst Places And Asks “What’s Funny About This?”) by P.J. O’Rourke [Definitely an entertaining book, but I still like his 'Parliament Of Whores' better.] 

‘WOMEN: THEORY AND PRACTICE’ by Bernard Chapin

‘BLOWBACK: The Costs And Consequences Of American Empire’ by Chalmers Johnson [Yeah, I'm far from being one of those "Rah!-Rah! Go, America!" conservative schmucks. I think God has a paddle with the name "America" painted on it and we're going to get it square on the ass sooner than later! I await the day and will applaud it when it arrives. Like I said, I'm multifaceted, and I'm not easy to pigeonhole; just when you think you've got me pegged as "One of them!" I reveal the fact that I've been a vegetarian since 1985. Don'tcha hate it when someone won't cooperate with yer categories?!] 

‘A PARENTHESIS IN ETERNITY’ (The Basis Of, Attaining, And Living The Mystical Life) by Joel S. Goldsmith

‘TWISTED VELVET CHAINS’ by Jessica Bell [A book of poetry which was a gift to me from up-and-coming writer Jessica Bell whose blog can be found HERE.]

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‘THE APOSTATE’ (Xeroxed Pages Of ‘The New Yorker’ Feb. 2011 Article About Screenwriter Paul Haggis And His Life In ‘Scientology’) by Lawrence Wright [Only a dumb-ass liberal could be deceived by Scientology!]

Well, alrighty-then. Now we move to one-third of the next shelf (the rest of it is just a collection of magazines) and we read from right to left:

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‘DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER: Artists And Writers On Baseball’ edited by Peter H. Gordon [My review of this book, which is probably my all-time favorite thing that I have ever written in the course of my long, never-ending, miserable life can be found HERE.]

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‘THE SCIENCE OF HITTING’ by Ted Williams [Never let any Poo-Poo Head fool ya! Ted Williams was and remains baseball’s greatest hitter. He was like John Wayne with a baseball bat! Can you imagine if Ted Williams had performed on steroids? OMG! Even The Lord would have watched from afar and said, “I can’t touch THAT!”]

‘THE SPIRIT OF ‘SEVENTY-SIX: The Story Of The American Revolution As Told By Participants’ edited by Henry Steele Commager

‘MEN IN BLACK: How The Supreme Court Is Destroying America’ by Mark R. Levin [This is the only book listed here that I haven’t read. I borrowed it from my Brother Nappy, but when I later came to realize that Mark R. Levin is nothing more than yet another ‘Fox News’ (‘Faux News’) fraudulantly fabricating Neoconservative fake, I decided not to bother reading it. Besides, I have previously read plenty o’ stuffs about the dishonesty of the Supreme Court, and I likely already know most of what Levin relates in this book written for brainwashed NeoCons.]

‘A SLOBBERING LOVE AFFAIR’ (The True And Pathetic Story Of The Torrid Romance Between Barack Obama And The Mainstream Media) by Bernard Goldberg

‘AS I AM’ by Patricia Neal [An autobiography by the actress who first portrayed Olivia Walton of ‘The Waltons’ fame. Incidentally, it was Richard Thomas as John-Boy Walton in 1971’s ‘The Homecoming’ who first put it into my mind that I should become a writer. And I WOULD HAVE become a writer, too, if that son-of-a-bitch Robert Benchley hadn’t stolen all my best material before I was borned!]

‘LEFT FOR DEAD’ by Dick Quinn [Quinn writes: “After my heart attack and failed bypass, I saved my life and beat Heart Disease without drugs. You can, too!” This book reflects my interest in alternative health therapies and my distrust of American health groups like the Food and Drug Administration, the American Medical Association, and the American Cancer Society, who are all full o’ shit! That's Irish profanity.] 

The last thing isn’t a book, so it doesn’t really count. It’s just a free 40-page newspaper-like publication titled . . .

‘LOVIN’ LIFE AFTER 50’ by a bunch of old farts in Airheadzona [But don’t worry, I haven’t become old and uncool on ya. I only have this in my bookcase because I’m saving it to quote from in an upcoming blog bit to be titled ‘Before You Move To Arizona...’. Be watching for it here at 'Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends'.]

Well, that concludes this tour of one and one-third shelves of one of my bookcases, but there’s plenty more where this came from. Nevertheless, I think this gives a pretty nice, randomly concentrated look at my multifaceted self. There are probably a number of other interests I have which aren’t represented on the above list, so I wouldn’t call this “comprehensive”, but it’s probably as close to comprehensive as any of you could possibly stand. (I know that I for one am already sick of yakking about this.)

Well, I’m off to brush my teeth now and go to bed. I seem to have misplaced my Jim Beam bourbon bottle and may have to resort to using some of my Brother’s toothpaste while brushing my pearly whites . . . in the kitchen.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy

YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.

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