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| HO BIB (condition: used). |
It was 1989 or '90, while I was attending a game at Dodger Stadium with The Countess, that I said to her between innings, "I have to go pee". Then I stood and walked up the steps toward the restrooms.
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Sometime later, after returning to my seat, The Countess whispered to me, telling me that the old folks in the seats behind ours were shocked when they overheard me say the word "pee" in public.
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Unfortunately, the wholly unexpected Spiritual experience that would turn me into a Christian was still 4 or 5 years away, so my unfamiliarity with The Holy Bible left me without an E-Ticket reply to the old folks behind me at Dodger Stadium.
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If a similar incident occurred today, I would respond by saying something like this: "Hey, just be glad that I'm going to use a restroom, and I'm not going to pisseth against the wall, as mentioned in The Holy Bible" (i.e., --1 Sam. 25:22 & 25:34; 1 Kings 14:10 & 21:21; 2 Kings 9:8).
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| Me and my Brother, along with some guy named Sandy Koufax, who earnestly asked if he could strike a pose in our photograph. |
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Since my "born again" experience on April 6, 1994, I have read The Bible, from Genesis 1 through Revelation 22, nearly every single year (i.e., 28 or 29 times). My Bible version of choice is the "Lamsa" translation from the ancient Aramaic. My second most read translation is the New King James Version.
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A couple years back, I read the old family Bible, which is the KJV (King James Version from 1611). I thought it was so downright silly & embarrassing in places, that I decided to read it again in its entirety last year, and record some of the silliness.
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The original manuscripts were written in Hebrew & Aramaic, so it's ridiculous that there are folks out there known as KJV Only-ists, who adhere to the belief that ye olde English translation - largely from Greek - is the only reliable (and Divinely-inspired) English version of The Holy Scriptures. Tsk!-Tsk! Dogmatic Christian sheeples! SMH! (There's a dern good reason why the word "asses" comprises 5/6ths of the word "masses".)
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Anyway, below are some of my favorite examples of bad, silly, funny & embarrassing English found in the King James Version of The Holy Bible. I certainly do urge people to read The Bible from cover-to-cover every year, but "me thinketh" thou might want to read something other than the KJVeth:
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"that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss..."
--Isaiah 36:12
--2 Kings 18:27
--Isaiah 36:12
--2 Kings 18:27
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"Paps" (breasts)
--Ezekiel 23:21
--Luke 11:27 & 23:29
--Rev. 1:13
"stones" (testicles)
--Lev. 21:20
--Deut. 23:1
"secrets" (testicles)
--Deut. 25:11
"secret parts" (testicles)
--1 Sam. 5:9
"And when Sarai dealt hardly with her,..."
--Gen. 17:6
"yesternight"
--Gen. 19:34
--Gen. 31:29
"three days agone I fell sick."
--1 Sam. 30:13
"betwixt" (between)
--Gen. 26:28
--Gen. 31:37 & 32:16
"he shall lie all night betwixt my breasts."
--Song Of Solomon 1:13
"which thing ought not to be done."
--Gen. 34:7
"espied" (saw)
--Gen. 42:27
"blains" (boils)
--Ex. 9:9&10
"chargedst us" (ordered us)
--Ex. 19:23
"wont" (tendency)
--Ex. 21:29
"durst" (did)
--Matt. 22:46
"...where is he, that durst presume in his heart to do so?"
--Esther 7:5
"wherefore art thou?" (...Romeo?)
--Matt. 26:50
"seed of copulation"
--Lev. 15:16, 17, 18
"sacrifices unto devils, after whom they have gone a whoring."
--Lev. 17:7
"affrighted"
--Mark 16:5 & 6
"He mocketh at fear, and is not affrighted..."
--Job 39:22
"fearfulness affrighted me"
--Isaiah 21:4
"...the men of war are affrighted."
--Jeremiah 51:32
"We be come from a far country."
--Joshua 9:6
"she lighted off her ass"
--Joshua 15:18
"And he was sore athirst,"
--Judges 15:18
"Abraham gat up early in the morning to the place where he stood before the LORD."
--Genesis 19:27
"Moses went into the midst of the cloud, and gat him up into the mount."
--Exodus 24:18
"the man rose up, and gat him unto his place."
--Judges 19:28
"and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat."
--1 Kings 1:1
"and the pains of hell gat hold upon me"
--Psalm 116:3
"I gat me men singers and women singers"
--Ecclesiates 2:8
And thou shalt set upon the table shewbread before Me alway.
--Exodus 25:30
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Mephibosheth thy master's son shall eat bread alway at my table.
--2 Sam. 9:10
and prayed to God alway.
--Acts 10:2
For the needy shall not alway be forgotten
--Psalm 9:18
"And when the children of Ammon saw that they stank before David,..."
--2 Sam. 10:6
"Me thinketh..."
--2 Sam. 18:27
"mine eyes and mine heart shall be there perpetually."
--1 Kings 9:3
"What aileth thee?"
--2 Kings 6:28
"...the abominations of the heathen..."
--2 Kings 16:3
"one of the three mighties."
--1 Chron. 11:12
"he stinketh"
--John 11:39
Simon Peter saith unto them, "I go a fishing."
--John 21:3
...and his bishoprick let another take.
--Acts 1:20
escheweth evil
--Job 1:8 & 2:3
Understandest thou what thou readest?
--Acts 8:30
...and the world worshippeth.
--Acts 19:27
...rejoice with the wife of thy youth... let her breasts satisfy thee at all times.
--Proverbs 5:18 & 19
He that laboureth laboureth for himself; for his mouth craveth it of him.
--Proverbs 16:26
a naughty tongue.
--Proverbs 17:4
swallowed up with overmuch sorrow.
--2 Cor. 2:7
Happy is the man that feareth alway:
--Proverbs 28:14
To have respect of persons is not good: for for a piece of bread that man will transgress.
--Proverbs 28:21
"he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow."
--Ecclesiastes 1:18
"My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him."
--Song Of Solomon 5:4
"...refresh my bowels in the Lord".
--Philemon 1:20
"thy nose is as the tower of Lebanon which looketh toward Damascus."
--Song Of Solomon 6:4
The sword of the Lord is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness
-- Isaiah 34:6
Their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness.
--Isaiah 34:7
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"...and the other basket had very naughty figs, which could not be eaten, they were so bad."
--Jeremiah 24:2
And their feet were straight feet
--Ezekiel 1:7
For for this cause was the gospel preached also to them that are dead,...
--1 Peter 4:6
For this cause the king was angry and very furious
--Daniel 2:12
For they have made ready their heart like an oven, whiles they lie in wait:
--Hosea 7:6
Can a bird fall in a snare upon the earth, where no gin is for him?
--Amos 3:5
I heard the voice of harpers harping with their harps.
--Rev. 14:2
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I hope you got a few good chuckles out of that. I know I did!
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May You Bless & Be Blessed!!
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~ Stephen T. McCarthyeth
I am astonied that you missed the one that always struck me as the most strange: https://www.biblegateway.com/quicksearch/?quicksearch=astonied&version=KJV
ReplyDeleteBut unlike you, the KJV is my favorite version of the Bible. New KJV is fine, also. I have not read any of the Lamsa version. We probably have 9 or 10 different translations of the Bible in our home.
The KJV uses the language of the time it was written, and when read aloud properly, zero meaning is lost. Some of the phrases ARE funny when viewed through the lens of our current lexicon. The whole "pisseth again the wall" thing sounds ridiculous, but viewed in the context of that time it has a deeper spiritual meaning beyond seeming vulgarity (which was not vulgarity at the time.)
And this comment leaves aside what the text of the original said which they were translating FROM. I have no idea about that without more research. If the original Greek or Aramaic said that, then that's what I want to read!
My big thing is that I want a LITERAL translation, one that does not try to interpret what the original text might have meant. I want to use my own inspiration to do that myself. So many Bibles were written to emphasize a certain viewpoint, and I do not trust other people's viewpoints. Surprise, surprise!
Beyond that we have the whole subject of the authorship of those original texts. Few texts were written at or even near the time they discuss. Was the "original" author inspired? Accurate? Also, why was this book in canon and another book excluded? Some non-canonical books were clearly a bunch of hooey and excluded from everything, yet some others are included in other Bibles (Catholic, Ethiopian, etc.)
My bowels are moved to agree with you in a few cases that the KJV phrasing is hard to deal with! I wholeheartedly agree with the prophet that - at least in this mortal realm: "he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow." Ignorant people are often the happiest!
Sixgun McItchyfinger
SIR 6-A-LOT ~
DeleteI am astonied by your comment. Nay, shocked - shocked! - I tell ye. Not by any stretch of mine imagination could I have anticipated someone missing the fun and going "serious" in this comment section. And, aren't you a guy who says he loves 'Blazing Saddles'? Thou shalt not be invited to mine King James parties in yonderyears, ye olde party pooper.
Thou art hereby admonished to return to the title heavenward and considereth it a second time, focusing primarily on the "Or" portion, which readeth like this: Or, FIRSTETH & FOREMOSTEST, THOU SHALT GUARD THY SENSE OF HUMOR ALWAY! (Wherefore art thou, Sense Of Humor?!)
When it comes to information about Ye Olde Holy Scriptures, there is much Poppycock & Balderdash, and all those other reindeer.
Initially, I was planning to respond to your comment nearly point-by-point (after all, we treadeth upon mine bailiwick & wheelhouse; I lacketh no confidence and am not affrighted). However, methinks I shall only strike-eth upon a couple o' topics of mine own choosing (for the sake of conserving time & energy). But if'n ye prefer a mo' expansive response, it shall be mine pleasure to elaborate excessively, to the point that ye shall take up drinking elixirs of unhealthy proofs.
>>... "But unlike you, the KJV is my favorite version of the Bible."
Me thinketh I struck a noive. And me thinketh an olde adage hath come into play, namely: "Familiarity breeds... loyalty" (sometimes also referred to as "Stockholm Syndrome").
>>... "I wholeheartedly agree with the prophet that - at least in this mortal realm: "he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow." Ignorant people are often the happiest!"
OK, now -- silliness aside -- this comment actually inspires me to respond with something serious: Decades ago, after having come upon that verse via Bible study, I too thought it was a sage statement. Well, of course!... The more one learns about this world, the more depressing everything looks. I mean, when I first learned about all of the satanists in high places; about the New World (Global) Order and the coming shitstorm to trump all of history's shitstorms, I felt tremendous anxiety, an ever-creeping sense of desperation.
But then (i thank you, Holy Spirit of God!) I came to realize that everything - EVERYTHING! - that has been "Written" will (i.e., must) come to pass. And the final chapter which has been "Written" is so glorious that it is literally beyond our wildest hopes and imaginations!
Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.
~ 1 Corinthians 2:9
Therefore, I would say: He who increases knowledge increases sorrow... IF he increases his knowledge only to a certain point, and stops short of The Whole Truth. That whole Truth which, once he KNOWS it, makes him free; free from fear, and free from sorrow.
~ Rupert Van Goodhumorman
(Ye Olde DogG-Tired Blogger)
Nay, scoundrel! Nere would I miss the humor, but, to quote the Bard: "A jest's prosperity lies in the ear Of him that hears it, never in the tongue Of him that makes it."
DeleteYou said: "I thought it (KJV) was so downright silly & embarrassing in places, that I decided to read it again in its entirety last year, and record some of the silliness." And: "...KJV Only-ists, who adhere to the belief that ye olde English translation - largely from Greek - is the only reliable (and Divinely-inspired) English version of The Holy Scriptures. Tsk!-Tsk! Dogmatic Christian sheeples! SMH! (There's a dern good reason why the word 'asses' comprises 5/6ths of the word 'masses'.)"
I thought the "masses" needed defending after your "humorous insults."
You made the point about translations being from the Greek, so I made the point that ALL translations have challenges and that books of the Bible are... complicated. From various languages, by various people, almost never at the time of the events themselves, often written by others using pseudepigraphy, some written centuries later probably/possibly through oral tradition and finally penned. And some newer translations of the Bible were commissioned, and I believe tainted somewhat by that commission to lean certain ways in meaning.
You did not "strike a noive" with me, but the wording is pretty harsh!. And I think we all should love the KJV given that it was responsible for the downfall of the "clergy only" stranglehold that prevailed prior to it's adoption. It was also the dawn of literacy for the masses and the rise of independence and individualism.
I GET that there is humor in some of the phrasing! One of our earliest interactions was me mentioning a KJV quote I often use (or MIS-use:) " it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks." (from Acts to those many readers NOT named McCarthy.) That quote can certainly be used as a joke, and many of the selections you picked are funny. I didn't say they weren't. I just defended the KJV and said, correctly, that if it is read aloud (or silently) correctly, the meaning and power of it is quite clear.
Plus, I had NO idea that anyone besides just you and I would ever see this exchange! (Hello, TN Kat! "The cat will mew, and the Dogg will have his day." Will S.) I was just pointing out my love for the KJV, while(st) also pointing out that I own and study at least nine other versions. I was wrong; I just counted them and actually the number is TWELVE.
So no need to take me apart point-by-point. As is typical, I think we agree on vital points and we very slightly on minor ones, and although I am sure you can teach me some things about the Holy Bible I do not know, I suspect there are not THAT many I have missed, and much of what we each believe will come down to a matter of opinion anyway. Sadly, nobody but (the now) three of us are going read this anyway. If a bunch of others chime in, THEN "Cry 'Havoc!', and let slip the doggs of war."
Sixgun
SIXGUN McITCHYFINGER ~
DeleteMethanx you, my friend, for the unabridged version of your original comment. ;^D
Seriously, I don't really feel like commenting seriously in this comment section. The post was meant to be 100% F-U-N. There are, I suppose, hundreds of my blog bits wherein lengthy, detailed discussions about Spirituality & Religion (& Politics) have occurred in the comment sections. You know I have never shied away from any of that.
Therefore, I'm simply going to post a link below to another blog bit. One that was posted in 2017, but which originally appeared as an Amazon.com review, circa 2004.
There are good reasons to believe that all of the New Testament was originally written in Aramaic -- the language Jesus spoke (e.g., see 'Divine Contact - Discovery Of The Original New Testament' by David Bauscher). Therefore, when a person is reading the KJV New Testament, they are reading a translation twice removed from the original writings. Naturally, errors are going to occur.
According to some sources, today there are supposedly even better translations into English from the original ancient Aramaic, than the Lamsa version that I primarily study. However, I believe that when I received my "Lamsa" Bible in 2002, it was the only Aramaic to English Bible available on the market, and it's still good enough for me.
Anyway, this review explains some of the reasons why I consider this Bible superior to the KJV version, or any other English translation:
[Link> BEST TRANSLATION OF GOD'S BESTSELLER!
Bless & Be Blessed, Sir Six!!
~ D-FensDogG
I always enjoy comparing different translations of the Bible. It helps me to see the text from different angles, so to speak. The KJV has always challenged me though. Ye Olde English seems to use five words, when two would have sufficed. This reminds me of lists of Shakespearean insults that I have seen. Some of those are pretty hilarious as well:
ReplyDelete“His wit’s as thick as a Tewkesbury mustard.”
Henry IV Part 2 (Act 2, Scene 4) 😉
“More of your conversation would infect my brain.”
Coriolanus (Act 2, Scene 1)
“Away, you starvelling, you elf-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish!”
Henry IV Part 1 (Act 2, Scene 4)
There is a very good compilation at this website:
https://nosweatshakespeare.com/resources/shakespeare-insults/
I enjoyed your selection of “interesting” KJV Bible verses and your recollection of a time when saying “I gotta pee” was shocking to some folks!
TTFN
PIPPS TERWILLIGER ~
DeleteI thank ye for stopping by, reading and commenting. I had some fun compiling these quotes.
I just now quickly glanced at the Shakespeare list and will revisit it for a more thorough look-see. But these two immediately jumped out at me and made me chuckle-out-loud:
"I scorn you, scurvy companion."
"My wife’s a hobby horse!"
Methinks the Bard may have missed an opportunity for a good zinger. Somewhere in 'The Taming Of The Shrew' someone should have said...
The wench squawketh and bites like a Chix O'Tipplin!
If I had to pick just one favorite from the KJV, I think it would have to be this one:
"she lighted off her ass"
--Joshua 15:18
I can't read that without laughing!
>>... a time when saying “I gotta pee” was shocking to some folks!
Yep! They thought I spoke with "a naughty tongue". Now, all these decades later, they would be doggone shocked at what this country is like. Helck, even I'm doggone shocked, and I'm the guy who said "pee" in public!
TTFN,
~ Ol' Bilge Rat Trummy
A couple of things. First, I am starting here but plan to go back a few posts anyway. Second, I am tapping on my phone so auto correct may throw a strange word curve. Try to forbear. See what I did there? Lastly, I was reading my morning devotion and the author concluded today with “God chose you… so you could glorify Him and so your life could be a song to the glory of His name.” And that made me think of you: “I’m a singer in God’s choir.” In fact, that comes to me regularly as I want nothing more than that.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are well. I’m going to move on to the next, so it may be a flurry of comments from me today. I shall endeavor (<— see that?) to be more present moving forward.
Girl Wonder
HOLY S. S. MINNOW ON A THREE-HOUR-TOUR!
DeleteIs that really you, Girl Wonder?
Welcome back to the Batcave!
(Did the Professor finally manage to find a way to repair that hole in the boat? ;^D )
Ah, yes, my old "singer in God's choir" line -- which received confirmation in a good friend's dream.
How you?
I'm doing pert-good (for a cranky old geezer). I had a couple of painful bouts of Sciatica over the last 4 years, but things are fine now, as I routinely do some lekker (leg) exercises. And this Winter has been so unbelievably mild that I haven't had to shovel any snow. (Shoveling snow for an elderly woman who lives across the street from me *may* have caused the second flare-up of Sciatica. Damn that's painful!)
Nice to see you back in my little corner of the blogosphere! I'm still doing Battle Of The Bands. Other than that, I only post a new non-music related blog bit every other blue Moon.
~ D-FensDogG
I’m doing well. Honestly, after such a long time it’s hard to know where to start. I never did “finish” seminary. I got my pastoral certificate which required 32hours. 32 painful hours. It’s official. We have arrived at the foretold place wherein false teachers have taken over. I give the message once a month at a local church without a FT pastor and the Communion meditation at my church the rest of the time.
DeleteI have worked at ADT (from home) for 3 years in July. I just transferred out of sales (really disliked it) to a customer care position. Big improvement.
Did I tell you that my dog and I were attacked by a pit bull and husky on a morning walk? That was the weekend before I was supposed to start with ADT so this June will be 3 years. We came very close to dying that day. In fact, I remember thinking this is it. And then a neighbor came out of nowhere with pepper spray and another with a baseball bat. It was surprisingly peaceful (the realization I mean). I thought it would feel different when you mentally reach that place. I’m grateful it’s peace there. Anyway, we both survived. I will probably never fully regain use of my left hand but it is what it is. I’m glad it works at all.
Do you watch Tucker Carlson? I love his podcast. Getting fired from Fox was the best thing that ever happen to and for him. He is now free to speak the truth. He also discovered Christ and is very interested in spiritual matters. He has also stated that he thinks UFOs are demonic. We are locked in a spiritual battle that many/most? are oblivious to. It’s fascinating. I also watch Candace Owens and her series Becoming Brigette was amazing. Unfortunately not surprising. She is also following the Blake Lively/Justin Baldoni lawsuit. If you’re not familiar… I wasn’t either until her podcasts. Interestingly, libs are now watching her, and I think some are waking up. She is also strongly Christian.
I feel revival is in the air. Do you feel it? As people lose faith in government (which they never should have had faith in anyway), they sometimes find Almighty God. It’s a beautiful thing.
GW
GIRL WONDER ~
DeleteYour account of the dog attack is shocking! When I think of a dog attack, I just internally visualize a number of bites, and not something that can truly take a person to the brink of death. Although, sure, why couldn't it?!
Yeah, I don't have the slightest fear of death. Truth be told, I'm kind of looking forward to it. It's only the manner of death that I'd like to be consulted about. GOL!
>>... "the Blake Lively/Justin Baldoni lawsuit."
I had to google those names, as I've never even heard of them before. I guess that gives you a pretty good idea of just how far outside of contemporary American "culture" I reside.
No, I don't watch Tucker Carlson, but I am familiar with his story and his getting ousted from Fox. In fact, I don't really pay any attention to anything that's even semi-mainstream anymore. The last time I voted for President was 2016, and I won't vote ever again. We've reached a point now, with CGI and AI, that you literally can't even necessarily believe what you see with your own eyes!
The only podcast that I watch (occasionally, not regularly) is [Link> The Corbett Report. James Corbett is a Canadian who lives in Japan, and although he's apparently not a believer in Christ Yeshua, he does do some really good deep-dive research into some subjects of interest to me.
The only two news websites that I read fairly regularly are LewRockwell.com & NeedToKnow.News (G. Edward Griffin). And even then, I think well over half of the writers at the first website are full of poo-poo, and even Mr. Griffin has disappointed me a few times over the last few years. I almost have to hold my nose sometimes before going to his website. (Apparently, Griffin has only recently begun to seriously doubt the Moon Landings nonsense. Wow! Talk about a pretty intelligent guy being way behind the curve!)
UFOS -- definitely demons. Not just the "aliens", but even the "ships" themselves, methinks!
Yes, there's something in the air (and, no, not just chemtrails). HA! We are definitely in Biblical End-Times now, so there's all kind of intense Spiritual / spiritual things occurring. You may remember my old (2016) blog bit about why I thought Christ was quite possibly returning in 2029. Well, I probably believe that now even more than I did in 2016. If I miss it, I don't think I'm going to miss it by much. No, not much at all. Everything is falling into place for the coming anti-Christ so quickly now that it makes my head spin (but, no, not spinning like Regan's head in 'The Exorcist' ;^D} )
~ D-FensDogG