ODE TO MAN'S BEST FRIEND

[From the STMcC archive: 2005, September 24]

Book: "I AM PUPPY, HEAR ME YAP: The Ages Of Dog" by Valerie Shaff and Roy Blount; 2000

Grade: A

You can keep your new, gold Lexus;
Fancy cars just ain't my cup of tea.
Don't care about computer games;
These things don't appeal at all to me.

Some folks need the latest gadgets,
And have their homes filled with high-tech toys:
iPods and digital cameras,
Whatever makes electronic noise.

Now they've even got a cell phone
They can use to take a photograph,
But "He kept up with the Joneses"
Won't be written as my epitaph.

Because I know that Palm Pilots,
And expensive name brand tennis shoes,
Silk shirts and laptop computers,
Will never save a man from The Blues.

If happiness is what you seek,
It's really a simple equation:
Jettison computerized junk;
Get a Lab, Shepherd, or Dalmatian!

While some people dabble in fish,
Others try turtles, hamsters or mice.
Trust me and go with the canine -
You'll find yourself in Pet Paradise!

The Woman weeps watching Chick Flicks,
While late at night she cuddles her cat.
Reaching for tissues and chocolate,
She winds up dehydrated and fat.

But Men have the best idea
For getting their emotions to mend:
In the yard they'll romp 'n' rassle,
And play some Fetch with a "Man's Best Friend."

But suppose your yard is too small,
And constant barking makes your head ache.
I know how you can have your dog
Without yapping that keeps you awake.

Buy 'I AM PUPPY, HEAR ME YAP'
For you are bound to smile and to laugh.
The witty verse is by Roy Blount;
The great photos by Valerie Shaff.

All types of dogs will be found here;
Some noble, some filthy, some cleaner;
"The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly"
And one even looks like a wiener!

I've been so grateful for this book;
It makes owning a dog such a breeze!
There's no feeding and no walking,
And I don't miss a house full of fleas.

Happily there are no drawbacks,
But there's one thing the book can't replace:
When I have come home after work,
This publication can't lick my face.

Still, choosing it over a dog -
The decision for me wasn't hard;
I enjoy canine company
Without stepping in poop in my yard.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
.