.
.
Q: What do Playboy magazine, Matthew
McConaughey’s abs, Johnny Depp’s sweet nothings, Victoria’s Secret ‘Black
Diamond Fantasy Bra’, Mary Ann’s tight shorts, Ginger’s coconuts, Barbie’s
39-18-33 measurements, Paris Hilton’s sex tape, Don Juan, Botox, a leather whip
and handcuffs, penis envy, the female orgasm, Richard Gere and gerbils have in
common?
.
A: All of them are mentioned in the
book ‘MISSED PERIODS AND OTHER GRAMMAR SCARES’ by Jenny Baranick, which I
recently finished reading.
.
In fact,
I hadn’t seen the word “penis” printed in a single publication this many times
since I last read the book ‘STICKS AND STONES: Male Sex Organs - An Owner’s
Manual’ by Dr. Harrison J. Bounel.*
.
No, I jest. The male member was not overly
focused on in this very informative and entertaining book. In fact, Goldilocks,
who stars in Chapter Eight – ‘Goldilocks And The Three Bars: En Dashes, Em
Dashes, And Hyphens’ – would probably say that the number of times the word
“penis” appears in ‘Missed Periods And Other Grammar Scares’ was “just right”.
(In all seriousness, Jenny Baranick’s book is occasionally risque but never
pornographic and almost always humorous. It’s rated J.R. for Just Right or
Johnny Reads.)
.
Move over, Suck & Writhe Strunk & White,
there’s a new kid in town. The king is dead; long live the queen!
.
Upon learning that the copy of ‘Missed Periods And
Other Grammar Scares’ that I’d ordered from my local Barnes & Noble had
arrived at the store, I had an awful thought: The title is incorrect! Wouldn’t
the word “Other” in the title imply that “Missed Periods” are also
“Grammar Scares”, when in fact they’re punctuation scares? But then I came to
realize that “missed periods” lead to run-on sentences (see Chapter Four), and
run-on sentences are indeed “grammar scares”. Whew! That was a close one. As
Count Floyd would say: “Ooh, vasn't
that scary, kids?" But I
should have known better than to question Jenny Baranick, the dominatrix of
grammerotica.
.
.
Paris Hilton said, “Life is too short to blend in.”
~ Jenny Baranick in ‘Missed Periods And Other Grammar Scares’
- page 141
.
“Life is too long to take shit from people!”
~
Louie Banana at the '10 At 2 Kennel Klub Saloon'
after gin & tonic #9, #9, #9, #9...
.
‘Missed Periods And Other Grammar Scares’ is not
just about grammar, and it’s not just about sex. It’s also about something that
can lead to sex and even lead to - *gasp!* - dancing! I speak of booze.
Jenny gives a shout out to daiquiris, vodka, margaritas, and straight tequila.
Mention four of the essential food groups like that and you’re sure to get the
attention of a town drunk like me.
.
Baranick’s textbook is also rife with pop culture references,
especially to movies and TV shows; there’s something in it for everyone!
.
This book may take a humorous approach to its
subject, but if you think grammar scares aren’t serious business, think again!
I’ll never forget the time I was driving on a long stretch of dusty highway not
far from Bakersfield when
I came up behind a good ol’ boy in his ol’ ‘55 pickup truck. On his head was a
Stetson, he had the obligatory gun rack mounted in his cab, and the bumper
sticker on the back of the horse trailer he was hauling read, If You
Ain’t A Cowboy, You Ain’t Shit.
.
There’s nuttin’ funny about a grammar scare like
that! OK, yeah, there is, but you’ll avoid that sort of self-flagellation by
studying Jenny Baranick’s unique way of teaching English in an entertaining,
pain-free manner.
.
I wish I’d had an English teacher like Jenny when
I was in high school. Think of all those hours I wasted staring out the
classroom windows, daydreaming about sex and learning nuttin’. But with ‘Missed
Periods And Other Grammar Scares’ you can have your sex and punctuate it too!
.
A person could read ‘Missed Periods And Other
Grammar Scares’ for the entertainment factor alone. If they happen to learn
important “stuffs” along the way (and they surely will), they can consider that
a no-cost bonus to them. (For me, the funniest line in a book full of humorous
lines may have been this: “Bill Clinton will go down in history for
not having sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky.” Was
it mere coincidence that this line appeared on page 69?
Hmmm... I wonder.)
.
For a dude who was a C average student in high
school and created an oil painting of a bullfight for extra credit to keep from
failing the Spanish class, I don’t do too badly these days when it comes to my
speaking and writing. My spelling was once “atroshus” and my punctuation not
much better. But all the reading I did after graduating from high school
made me reasonably proficient in English matters. Nevertheless, I did learn a
few valuable things from “Captain” Baranick’s book.
.
In Chapter Five, ‘More Than A Feeling: Commas’,
Jenny Baranick (J.B.) teaches the reader the comma rules. As a professional
English teacher, she has actually questioned her students about why they placed
commas in certain places. Most of them have responded that they “feel
like it should be there.” Ha!-Ha! [Yeah, rereading that made me GOL –
Guffaw Out Loud.] But Jenny says, “When it comes to matters of
the comma, don’t follow your heart – follow the rules.”
.
J.B. breaks down the Rules O’ Commas for us, and
on page 45 she explains when you “MUST” put a comma before the word
“and”. Well, I am more thinker than feeler, so when I’ve put a comma before
“and” it was never because I “felt like it”; I’ve always had “a reason”. Was it
a good reason? Did I always think correctly? Uh... probably not... but I’m
afraid to look back and see what sort of disasters I’ve left in my writing
wake.
.
On page 67, Jenny explains the rules about
capitalizing the first letter after the use of a colon. That’s something I have
often wondered about, because I’ve seen it both capitalized and left lowercase
but never understood why the editor chose the one way or the other. Now I get
it. Thanks, Captain Morgan Captain Jenny!
.
On page 149, Jenny teaches us how to do it “doggy
style.” Uhm . . . proofreading, that is. (Get yer dirty mind
outta da filthy gutter!) And in the very next paragraph on that same page, she
explains to her readers how they can get “hard core” and “make
writing errors their bitch.”
.
Reading all these double entendres and lusty
grammar lessons caused me to think about how long it’s been since I’ve had sex,
and I wondered if I would even be able to remember how to do it. But then I
thought: Oh, sure I would. It’s just like falling off a horse - once you’ve
done it you never forget how.
.
As much as I enjoyed ‘Missed Periods And Other
Grammar Scares’ and believe that its time has come, I can’t say that I concur
with Captain Jenny Baranick on every point. Heck, I don’t agree with anyone
100% of the time. Sometimes I don’t even agree with ME!
.
In the Introduction, J.B. writes, “our
public school systems are underfunded.” I beg to differ. Actually, I
pretty much insist on it. Aside from the fact that the U.S. Constitution does
not grant the federal government the slightest right to meddle in public
education, we are spending more taxpayer dollars on education than ever before.
We don’t need more money thrown at the problem; what we need is more teachers
like Jenny Baranick who know how to make learning fun.
.
Later, J.B. writes: “But to
play it safe, it’s still not all right to use alright.”
.
Mmmm . . . alright, Jenny, I’ll stop using
“alright”.
Oops! I did it again.
.
I think ‘alright’ looks better than ‘all right’,
and it emanates from the mouth as a single word, not as two separate words.
Nevertheless, I’ll stop using ‘alright’ as soon as everyone else replaces
‘already’ with ‘all ready’ and ‘altogether’ with ‘all together’. In other
words, I won’t stop using ‘alright’ anytime soon (unless I perish with the rest of y'all when the Mayan Calendar comes to an end on December 21st).
.
And that brings me to my naturally rebellious
attitude . . .
.
.
Sir Jack Daniels, my black leather jacket and me
At the ‘Statue Of Liberty’ in
‘83.
.
As the photo above should illustrate, I’m a firm
believer in breaking the rules. Not ALL of the rules, mind you, but
those rules that one thinks he/she has a legitimate reason for breaking.
However, I also believe Mark Twain got it right when he wrote, “Get
your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.” You can’t really
claim to have been deliberately breaking rules if you didn’t know what those
rules were to begin with.
.
That’s why, in order to be a real righteous rebel, you’ve got
to know WHAT you’re rebelling against and WHY! Don’t just be a
rebel, but be a smart rebel.
.
I don’t fault Jenny Baranick, because she’s not responsible
for having made the rules. But she does explain many of the “orthodox” (commonly
accepted) rules of writing. For instance, she states, “We
don’t capitalize the century numbers: nineteenth century.” Also, “Another thing I
don’t understand is why we don’t capitalize summer or winter, or any of the
other seasons for that matter. It seems like we should, but spring, summer,
fall, and winter are all lowercase.” And
lastly, on page 96, she explains which words we should and should not capitalize
when writing titles of books, movies, et al.
.
I’m sorry, but if we’re supposed to capitalize
the names of eras, such as the "Paleozoic Era" (page 91), then I’m damn sure going to continue
capitalizing the Nineteenth Century, which in my book is just as much an era as
is the Paleozoic. I will also continue to capitalize huge chunks of
specific time, like Summer and Fall, et al. And I’ll go right on capitalizing
every single word in book, movie, and song titles, as I’ve always
done. I don’t give a hoot if it’s only a small word like a, an, or the,
or if it’s one of the “FANBOYS” (see Chapter Eleven). It’s IN THE
TITLE and therefore, in my opinion, it DESERVES to be
acknowledged, appreciated and CAPITALIZED!
.
Or maybe we should just stop
capitalizing the names of the actors and actresses who played Munchkins in ‘The
Wizard Of Oz’ because, after all, they were so very small. (I’m sorry, charlie
becker, although you were the Mayor of Munchkinland, you were so small that
your name does not warrant capitalization. Make room, Randy Newman, I’m comin’
to join ya!)
.
“I am old school”.
~ Jenny Baranick
‘Missed Periods And Other Grammar Scares’ – page
130
.
“If Jenny Baranick is ‘old school’, that makes me ‘Paleozoic School’, and,
frankly, I resent the appellation (whatever ‘appellation’ means).
~ Stephen T. McCarthy
‘Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends’ – blog bit #299
.
And speaking of schools . . .
.
In her book’s first chapter, Captain Baranick
tells us that ‘Heathers’ (1988), starring Christian Slater and Winona
Ryder, is “the best ‘80s high school movie EVER.” She
writes: “If you’ve never seen it, put this book down and add it to
your Netflix rotation before you forget. I’ll wait.”
.
This has nothing to do with the subjects at hand
(i.e., grammar, punctuation, sex and booze), but I went to school where the
Heathers did. Granted it was many years before them. The external shots of the "high school" in ‘Heathers’ were filmed at John Adams Middle School in Santa
Monica, California (it was called a ‘Junior High School’ when I graduated from
it in ‘74).
.
The shots of the school parking lot were taken in
front of (what in my day was) the Music Department building at 17th and Pearl
streets (for all I know, it might still be the Music building). And the scene where Christian Slater makes his explosive exit and
Winona Ryder lights her cigarette was filmed in front of the school’s Auditorium
which stands on the Southeast corner of 16th and Pearl in Santa
Monica - page 49, C-1 of your Thomas Bros. LOS ANGELES /ORANGE COUNTIES Street Atlas And Directory. [Jenny, does that little bit of ‘extra
credit information’ boost this review’s grade from a C up to a B? Sure, it’s
not an oil painting of a bullfight, but then this is an English class, not a
Spanish class.]
.
On page six, Jenny Baranick lists the 'Dirty
Dozen': Twelve words that are frequently confused with other words. I don’t have
any trouble with her Dirty Dozen, although when I was in grade school I thought
There/Their/They’re were real sons-of-bitches and they gave me fits. I
eventually mastered them and now they are like my obedient little eunuch servants.
.
However, it occurred to me that there are other
common confusions that I run across regularly while reading crap online:
.
whose / who’s
desert / dessert
me too / me, too
And my absolute biggest pet peeve, which is incorrectly expressed
nine out of ten times regardless of the person’s education level:
I could care less / I couldn’t care less
.
Maybe Jenny Baranick will address these ‘problem
children’ in a future book titled, perhaps, ‘Diphthongs, Homophones, Pregnant
Pauses, The Bilabial, The Copulative, And Other Sexy Parts Of Speech’.
.
[Decades ago my brother Nappy gave me the formula
for getting desert / dessert right 100% of the time: A desert consists of sand
– one s; a dessert consists of sugar and spice – s one and s two. I never misspelled them again.]
.
Alright, so maybe Jenny Baranick’s
‘Missed Periods And Other Grammar Scares’ isn’t going to inspire teenaged boys
to begin spray-painting "Grammar Rules!" in
urban alleys. Regardless, it is a very educational book that is fun 'n' flirty, and it would make an excellent Christmas gift for the semi-literate lover
chained to the mattress in your bedroom.
.
HOKEY-SMOKE! Did I really just write “fun 'n' flirty”? Sheesh! In a single sentence I’ve lost my ‘Man Card’ for
life. I’ll get you for this, Jenny, and your little Auntie Em Dash, too!
.
~
Stephen T. McCarthy
.
Postscript: Any grammar and punctuation
errors in the above review are not a reflection on Jenny Baranick’s teaching
ability, but on my C average ability to learn. (The C stands for crappy.)
.
* Footnote: ‘STICKS AND STONES: Male Sex Organs - An Owner’s Manual’ is not real and neither is the author, Harrison J. Bounel. But you should Google his name anyway, just
to see what results you get. They may surprise you.
.
YE OLDE
COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem
attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read:
"posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com,
so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.
.
