AIRHEADZONA: IT'S A STATE OF STUPIDITY (or, Iz U Smarter'n A Arizona High Skool Student?)

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[Get your Number Twos out; there is a civics/history test at the bottom of this Blog Bit.]

Everybody who has spent any time worth mentioning in the state of Arizona already knows why I routinely refer to it as “Airheadzona.” Our first problem is that anyone moving here is forced to turn in their brain at the border. I mean, of course, the Northern, Western and Eastern borders. There are no officials guarding our Southern border.

But what they do is confiscate your brain and give you a claim check in exchange for it. The people living here have completely empty craniums, and that is why Arizona is known as “The Grand Canyon State.” Should someone ever wise up enough to move out of the state later (a tough decision to reach minus your brain), he or she turns in the claim check at the border and receives their brain back. But bear in mind that these are brainless state employees running the system, so more times than not, the citizen does not get their original brain back. That’s why it’s said that once a person has lived in Arizona, they’re never quite the same again.

Since no one is watching our Southern border, it’s possible for illegal aliens (we won’t even mention Islamic terrorists) to enter Arizona at will from that side. Thus, these people obviously bring into the state what brains they might have. But the person who WANTS to live in Arizona hasn’t much grey matter to begin with, and what little they do have is quickly boiled by the heat, so they don’t represent any real threat to the status quo. (Speaking of heat, I hear we’re supposed to reach 116 this weekend. "But it's a dry heat." If we had brains we’d be brain-dead. Pray for us!)

Yes, here in Airheadzona, most of us couldn't beat a dead dog lying by the side of the road in an I.Q. contest. And our stupidity is reflected in myriad ways: as you’ve probably heard, thanks to our illegal immigrant population, we’re #1 in the country in kidnappings; we also top the chart in stolen cars; we’re #1 in stolen identities; and a few years back I read that our crime rate per capita was double that of New York City. I recall hearing that we also rate at or near the top nationwide in unmarried teen pregnancies. Of course, our state's economy is in the tank, and that’s why our former governor, Butch Napolitano, was promoted to Secretary of Homeland Security by USAP. She doesn’t have to worry about dollars and sense nor that pesky Southern Arizona border anymore.

But we’re not always at the top; we’re at the bottom of the chart in some subjects. For instance, we are regularly at or near the bottom in national SAT scores. And in athletics, well, the Airheadzona Diamondbacks play Double-A ball in the Major Leagues, the hockey team is bankrupt and may leave the state (only the players’ temporarily misplaced brains is delaying that move), and the NFL Cardinals… well, we’re all still scratching our empty heads about what happened last year, and we’re hopeful that the “real” team will be back on the gridiron next season. The last thing we need is the country’s spotlight on us like it was during Super Bowl week.

Arizona was once “Goldwater Country” and so we still have a lingering and undeserved national reputation as a politically conservative state. But Goldwater was a long time ago - prior to The Great Brain Heist. I’m a Constitutionalist, so believe me, I recognize conservatism when I see it… and it ain’t here. That Western “Leave Us Alone To Run Our Own Affairs” attitude has declined in direct proportion to the Eastern and Californian influx. Not to mention the confiscation of our brains. That didn’t help matters.

To prove my points, I’m offering you the same TEN-QUESTION TEST that was recently administered to Airheadzona high school students. Last week, this was the hot topic on former-Congressman J.D. Hayworth’s talk radio program. Below is the test as it appears on Hayworth’s web page. Take it and see how you do. I’ve included my own answers with the questions, just in case you need a little assist from an Airheadzonan (me, Stephen T. McCarthy).

Are You Smarter Than An Arizona High School Student?
Tuesday 06-30-2009; 4:21pm MT

The Goldwater Institute recently released a new report that said only 3.5 percent of Arizona high school students have learned enough history, government and geography necessary to pass the U.S. Citizenship test. 1,140 students from Arizona high schools were asked ten questions that were on the exam given to people applying for U.S. citizenship. According to the report, only 40 students out of a sample of 1,134 Arizona public high school students quizzed passed the test.

Below are the questions they were asked. Do you know the correct answers?

1) What is the supreme law of the land?
[*Stephen T. McCarthy sez: Judge Judy?]

2) What do we call the first 10 amendments of the Constitution?
[*STMcC sez: Myths and Fables?]

3) What are the two parts of the U.S. Congress?
[*STMcC sez: “Clowns” and “Jokers”? Clowns to the left of me; Jokers to the right; here I am, stuck in the middle with you?]

4) How many justices are on the Supreme Court?
[*STMcC sez: None. They’re Injustices, and they usually stay INSIDE the court.]

5) Who wrote the Declaration of Independence?
[*STMcC sez: Some dead White guy?]

6) What ocean is on the East Coast of the United States?
[*STMcC sez: Billy Ocean?]

7) What are the two major political parties in the United States?
[*STMcC sez: The Marxists and the Trotskyites. This one I’m sure of!]

8) We elect a U.S. Senator for how many years?
[*STMcC sez: Too many?]

9) Who was the first President of the United States?
[*STMcC sez: Bill Clinton? No, wait. Clinton was only the “first BLACK president.”]

10) Who is in charge of the Executive Branch?
[*STMcC sez: International Bankers. Actually, this one’s not a guess because I KNOW this answer!]


HERE COME "DUH" ANSWERS:

1) What is the supreme law of the land? Answer: The Constitution (70.5% of those quizzed got this question wrong.)

2) What do we call the first 10 amendments of the Constitution? Answer: The Bill of Rights (75% of those quizzed got this question wrong.)

3) What are the two parts of the U.S. Congress? Answer: Senate and House (77% of those quizzed got this question wrong.)

4) How many justices are on the Supreme Court? Answer: Nine (90.6% of those quizzed got this question wrong.)

5) Who wrote the Declaration of Independence? Answer: Thomas Jefferson (74.7% of those quizzed got this question wrong.)

6) What ocean is on the East Coast of the United States? Answer: Atlantic (41.2% of those quizzed got this question wrong.)

7) What are the two major political parties in the United States? Answer: Republican and Democrat (50.4% of those quizzed got this question wrong.)

8) We elect a U.S. Senator for how many years? Answer: Six (85.5% of those quizzed got this question wrong.)

9) Who was the first President of the United States? Answer: George Washington (73.5% of those quizzed got this question wrong.)

10) Who is in charge of the Executive Branch? Answer: The President (74% of those quizzed got this question wrong.)

It's not hopeless! It's NOT, I tell ya! Let's just give these teachers a raise. Clearly, what our education system needs is more money spent on it. With more money, our kids could learn these difficult facts. (Never mind that the U.S. Constitution doesn’t grant the Federal government permission to meddle in education at all!)

Although I suspect our students deliberately dumbed-down all across the country by the Federal education system would likewise have trouble with this simple test, I don’t think too many states, if any at all, would collectively score as pathetically low as the Airheadzona students did. But then you gotta cut ‘em a little slack; remember, they’re working without brains.

Actually, the truth of the matter is that it really doesn’t make much difference how much we educate our kids in civics and history because, regardless, the country will only be as strong as its weakest link:
the Democrat Girl-Next-Door.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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