Monday, July 6, 2009


It’s no secret that political Conservatives prefer big, intimidating dogs to little, fluffy cats. And that for Liberals, the reverse is true. Everyone knows that Conservatives like whiskey, martinis (gin, not vodka), and lots and lots of beer; while Liberals would rather drink white w(h)ine, cocktails with little paper umbrellas in them, and imported bottled water. Conservatives listen to Louis Armstrong, Louis Prima, Waylon Jennings, and they listen to their mothers. Liberals listen to Prince, Boy George, Madonna, and Elton John - four transvestites who were collectively known as A Flock Of Seagulls. Conservatives applaud movies such as The Wild Bunch, The Dirty Dozen, and Rocky (the first one only – 1976); while Liberals wet themselves over chick flicks, foreign films, musicals (they just adore those fruity show tunes!), and anything with Barbra Streisand in it. A French chick flick that starred Barbra Streisand singing in Italian would be a sexual experience for all Liberals, male and female.

This, of course, is all common knowledge. But on July 2nd, an old friend of mine, Cranium, sent me a useful e-mail which included an enlightening overview of the Conservative and Liberal movements. I don’t know who wrote this, so I’ll just call him “Anonymous” and I’ll thank Anonymous for the valid and insightful history lesson. Thank you, Anonymous!

So, for those who want a trustworthy education in things political, and who seek to understand the essential facts behind the Conservative and Liberal labels, I give you THE HISTORY OF CONSERVATISM AND LIBERALISM:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1) Liberals, and

2) Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men or wussies. Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth: the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

A few modern Liberals like Mexican lite beer (with lime added), but most prefer a chilled glass of Sauvignon Blanc, with passion fruit and kiwi aromas which are marked by grassy notes, then rounded out on the midpalate by peach flavors - crisp and refreshing, with a hint of chalky minerality on the finish; or, Perrier bottled water. They eat raw fish but dislike beef. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, Ivy League Professors, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated-hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink Sam Adams, Harpoon IPA or Yuengling Lager. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, policemen, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above. A Conservative will simply laugh and be content with the absolute truth of this history.

Well, my dear Blog readers (all both of yaz!), there it is. Everyone should feel free to comment. All Liberal whining will be laughed at and then promptly ignored.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy

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