SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US - #9

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Welcome to SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US #9… #9… #9… #9… #9…
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HELLO AND GOODBYE
This is the ninth (and final) installment of ‘Sex, Tattoos & Violence R Us’. I’m happy to have you here. Unfortunately, Ariel O. O’Airedale (my inflatable girlfriend) and I had barely begun composing this edition when we got into a big argument and she kicked me out of the house. So, a good portion of this installment I had to compose entirely by myself, sans "the brains of the outfit”. Therefore, please understand and forgive me if the writing isn’t up to the usual standard – hey, I’m workin’ alone here!
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This, of course, will also explain why I’m wearing my “misogyny” on my sleeve in this last installment of the Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends’ SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US series.
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I’M ONLY FUNNY ‘CAUSE MY ARIEL LEFT ME
Just the other day, a friend of mine paid me a great compliment when he said, “Dude, you are fu#king funny!” But I corrected him: “No, unfortunately, Ariel left me, so nowadays I’m only funny.”
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GOOD MUSIC FOR PASSIONATE DITYPOLFING
It’s become almost a cliché, really, because everyone’s heard that supposedly Ravel's famous musical piece ‘Boléro’ is good to ditypolf to. Some folks probably really have ditypolfed to it. (I never had the energy or the stamina to give it a try.)
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However, my favorite recording to play on those rare occasions when Ariel didn’t have a (air)head-ache, and consented to let me inflate her for a two-minute ditypolf session was the album ‘Ellington Indigos’. I suppose I’ll never have occasion to play MY copy anymore, but I figured I’d pass this idea on to you:
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The next time you and your “significant other” are in the mood to ditypolf, do it while playing Duke Ellington’s ‘Indigos’.
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The album’s song selection is: Solitude / Where Or When / Mood Indigo / Night And Day / Prelude To A Kiss / All The Things You Are / Willow Weep For Me / Tenderly / Dancing In The Dark / Autumn Leaves (with the first half sung in French)
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Obviously, that’s a good, romantic, ditypolfing lineup of tunes. They worked well for Ariel and me. But now with Ariel out of my life, I should probably just sell my ‘Ellington Indigos’ CD on eBay. I don’t guess I’ll be playing anything but The Ramones anymore.
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CONSUMER ADVICE
Be aware that the slogan “New & Improved” actually means “New & Inferior and/or More Expensive”. Keep that in mind as you shop.
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AN IDEA WHOSE TIME HAS...PASSED
It now seems that no matter where I go here in Phoenix, Airheadzona, I see a Hookah Lounge on every corner. Seriously? People get together and smoke tobacco out of a communal pipe? How… American Indian. Or Hippie. Or Commie. Or something!
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Well, anything that is suddenly catching on in Phoenix, Airheadzona, and is becoming “The Next Big Thing” here probably peaked in popularity in America’s other states four or five years ago.
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SPREAD THE WEALTH AROUND (Or, REDISTRIBUTION OF LETTERS)
The other day I used the word “salve” in a blog bit comment that I posted. Later I got to thinking about that word, and also about the word “corps”, as in ‘Marine Corps’ or ‘press corps’.
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Well, it’s bad enough that so many English words contain a letter that is silent when being pronounced, but in “salve” and “corps” we have not just one letter in each word that is silent, but TWO! Now that is ridiculous! Is the United States of America really so affluent that it can afford to waste so many letters, even to the point of wasting two letters in one small word? If that’s the case, then I propose we send some of our surplus letters to some of the less fortunate countries.
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I’ve been told that there are some words starving for letters in Africa, China, and India. Rather than sending our tax dollars overseas in the form of ‘Foreign Aid’, why doesn’t USAP send some of our extra letters instead? It would be good for the letter-deprived countries and it would be a positive public relations act on our part. A win/win situation!
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BRAINS BADLY WIRED
After nearly five years, my DVD player broke on me. Mine was a Toshiba model SD-V394, made in Thailand. I figured now, five years later, I would be unable to find ANY DVD players not made in China and I was despairing over the idea of buying something made in that Communist, abortion-forcing country. But then my buddy DOCTOR DISCCONNECTED came riding to my rescue. He gave me an older DVD player that he had stored away after upgrading to a better model.
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One problem: My brother Nappy and I couldn’t get any sound out of it. Everything seemed to be operating normally except there was no sound, and the two of us tried patching the cords every conceivable way. …Or so we thought.
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So, after two days, I finally gave up on it and after going to a couple other stores and failing to find a DVD player NOT made in China, I went to Best Buy and bought the cheapest player they had – made in China. And I kid you not, I could hardly stand the thought of myself doing this.
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On the one hand, I had made earnest attempts to find a better solution to the problem, and I do have over a thousand dollars tied up in DVD entertainment – which is basically the only form of entertainment in my life. If I turn the TV on, it’s ONLY to watch a DVD.
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But on the other hand, DVDs are mere entertainment; it’s not like the DVD player was some plumbing part or automotive part that I HAD to have and Chinese-made was all that was available. Could I really mentally justify buying myself a DVD player made in China? Well, I was hating myself all the way home, and hating myself while plugging in the new DVD player, and then hating the new DVD player when it ALSO provided no sound.
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Now I knew for sure it wasn’t the stupid players that weren’t working, it was my stupid brain that wasn’t working! Then I did the totally unthinkable! I plugged the DVD Audio Out cords into the TV’s Video 1 Audio In slots and voila! Sound. Now I’m thinking: I’ll bet that same approach would work on DiscConnected’s old DVD player too. So I take out the new unit and plug in DiscDude’s used unit and voila! Sound. The next day, I returned the new player to Best Buy and they returned my money. And now I sleep with a clear conscience.
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What a concept!: ‘Audio Out’ plugs into ‘Audio In’. Who-da thunk it? I would have sworn that Nappy and I had tried that approach over the two days we spent toiling on this project, but evidently not. Yeah, Nappy and me . . . we’re a couple of coconuts!
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INSULTING WHAT LITTLE INTELLIGENCE I HAVE
I may be a coconut, but I still have enough intelligence that I’m capable of feeling intellectually insulted. There is little I hate more than those types of commercials where we find two people seemingly having a private conversation about some product. We’re supposed to believe that we are eavesdropping on this couple and learning about some wonderful product right along with one of these two, plain, everyday persons like us.
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The dialogue in these advertisements always goes something like this:
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JILL: “Hi, Pamela. Hey! Where’s your tennis racket? We have the court reserved for ten o’clock!”
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PAMELA: “Oh, Jill, I can’t go out in public today. I have a big, fat pimple right on the tip of my nose.”
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JILL: “That’s nothing to worry about, Pam. Here, try some of this.”
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PAM: “Zit-B-Gone? But does it really work?”
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JILL: “I’m wearing it myself right now.”
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PAM: “But, Jill, you have perfect skin!”
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JILL: “That’s what you think. Go ahead, apply some to your nose.”
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PAM: “Hey, the pimple seems to have disappeard. Zit-B-Gone REALLY DOES work! This is a fabulous product, Jill!”
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JILL: “You’re telling me! I wish I had known about Zit-B-Gone when my wedding pictures were taken. Hey, Pam, where are you going?”
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PAM: “To get my tennis racket. Zit-B-Gone works so well that we’re going to keep that appointment on the court after all. Jill, it’s too bad for you that Zit-B-Gone doesn’t erase tears the way it erases pimples, because I’m going to beat you like I own you.”
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JILL & PAM Together: “Ha!-Ha!-Ha!-Ha!-Ha!”
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Ooh! I hate, Hate, HATE those commercials!
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CHRIST OR THE DEVIL?
It was either while I was driving to Best Buy to purchase the new DVD player or driving to Best Buy to return the new DVD player, when I found myself stopped at a traffic signal behind some little white car displaying on the back of it both the Christian “Fish” symbol and a bumper sticker with the New York Yankees logo on it. And I’m thinkin’ to myself: Isn’t that sending mixed signals? I mean, c’mon, make up your mind! Which are you going to promote? Christ or the Devil?
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Christ . . .
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. . . And The Devil.
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THANKS...BUT I DON’T FULLY TRUST YOU
OK, check this out! The next time you hold a door open for someone, whether male or female, watch and see if that person doesn’t reach out toward the door, and very often even touch the door lightly as they are passing through to enter or exit. Ninety-five out of one hundred people will react this way despite the fact that you are holding the door open for them. It’s almost like some aspect of human nature doesn’t allow us to fully trust the person not to let the door close on us as we are parallel to it. I’ll bet I do this too. I’ve been observing and noting this for many years now. Like, what’s up with this?
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A-LIST CONSTITUTION QUOTE
Good intention will always be pleaded for every assumption of power. ... It is hardly too strong to say that the Constitution was made to guard the people against the dangers of good intentions.
~ Daniel Webster
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CONNED BY THE NEOCONS?
You run across the term “NeoConservatives” or “NeoCons” frequently, and I have often employed it on this blog as well. But do you really understand what is meant by this term? Do you know how to identify NeoCons? Do you know what they stand for? A pretty good short definition is this: “A Socialist in Economics, a Liberal in Politics, and a Conservative in Culture”. But for the full story, read the John F. McManus article titled ‘NEOCON CONTROL’ found HERE.
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THE SOUND OF JOY
Recently, an ice cream truck has been making occasional rounds through my neighborhood. Nothing – NOTHING! – makes me reminisce about my wonderful Orange County, California, boyhood like the music playing from an ice cream truck; it makes my heart cry tears of innocent joy. I bought a cotton candy-flavored ice cream from the ice cream man several weeks ago. And the last time we heard him approaching, Nappy and I were both waiting for him, standing on our front lawn, money in hand. But he never came down our street. So I went inside and got myself a
Scotch & Soda instead.
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HAVE YOU SEEN CHARLIE SHEEN?
We here at ‘Sex, Tattoos & Violence R Us’ have begun hearing rumors that actor Charlie Sheen may be in hot water for some statements he has publicly made. And we are dedicated to bringing you this story just as soon as we are able to confirm or deny the older rumors that we are still investigating - rumors that singer Michael Jackson has died and that O.J. Simpson is suspected of having killed his wife.
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TRUX, CHIX & PRIX
A couple of weeks ago I was talking with this nice Christian woman where I work when she happened to mention something about having helped her teenage daughter buy a new truck. I said, “A truck? Why did she want a truck?” And the woman replied, “She just wanted a truck.”
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I didn’t say this to her, but I already knew why her daughter wanted a truck. She wanted a truck because that’s what many women want to drive these days. And the reason women want trucks these days is because so many men drive trucks these days.
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You see, Cyndi Lauper got it wrong and my brother Nappy got it right. Cyndi said that “Girls just wanna have fun”, but in truth, girls just wanna be boys. And as Nappy pointed out years ago, men can induce women into doing ANYTHING merely by doing it themselves. He is so right!
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Here are examples I like to use:
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If a majority of men began acquiring Dalmatians - that is to say, if after deciding to own a dog, a large segment of the male population began leaning toward the Dalmatian breed - before long, most women would begin selecting Dalmatians when choosing a dog too.
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If men began playing the game Tiddlywinks and began forming all-male Tiddlywinks leagues, there are two things that I can guarantee would happen in just a few short years: 1) Women would begin forming their own Tiddlywinks leagues, and 2) some women would sue for the right to participate in the all-male Tiddlywinks leagues.
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Yeah, when it comes to men, women in general have inferiority complexes like that, which drives them to try to “keep up with the Joneses Menses”.
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Sigmund Freud was a nut, but he was on to some basic truth about ‘Penis Envy’. I don’t believe he had it worked out right, but he was definitely on target in identifying a female envy pertaining to men.
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And here’s my theory about the current truck fad among women: For many years now women have been exposed to countless television commercials showing brawny guys in rugged trucks bouncing over rugged terrain, or men on construction sites, sweating and engaging in manly physical labor revolving around big trucks, all to the tune of powerful-sounding drums and electric guitar music, or Bob Seger singing “Like A Rock”. And over time, this caused the ‘Penis Envy’ in women to kick in and, even if only subconsciously, they began to desire trucks so they could appear more macho, like men.
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For years I had been mentally noting how many more women I saw on the roads driving trucks, and with each passing year, the number seemed to increase until now approximately 50% of all the trucks on the road are being driven by women. That’s true here in Phoenix, Airheadzona, anyway, and I would be surprised if it’s not true across the country, since Phoenix rarely leads, but follows.
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I knew that the truck fad had really caught on with women when a few months ago my own Sister mentioned how she would like to own some certain make and model of truck. Never in all my life had I heard her say a positive thing about trucks until now. And it should be noted that my Sister has always been a ‘Dedicated Follower Of Fashion’.
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If women are now drooling over trucks for some reason other than the one I propose, then what is that reason? Is it because trucks get such good gas mileage? No. Is it because trucks are especially fast? No. Is it because women haul a lot of “stuffs”? No. (In all these years that I have been watching this female/truck fad developing, I have only seen 3 or 4 women actually hauling anything in the bed of their trucks.) Is it because trucks are big and safe? Well, they are, but so are SUVs, and SUVs have more room for passengers, kids, toys, and junk. Is it because trucks have such sleek lines and a sporty look? No. I don’t care how much you try to round out the hard edges, a truck is still just an empty sandbox on wheels!
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I can think of only one seemingly valid reason that so many women are driving trucks today: Penis Envy.
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Don’t make the mistake of thinking I hate women. I do not. I like women who like to BE women. In fact, if I were this country’s Benevolent Dictator, no girl or boy would be allowed to graduate from high school without displaying a reasonably good grasp of the principles illustrated so beautifully in the book ‘THE PRIVILEGE OF BEING A WOMAN’ by Alice von Hildebrand. That’s right, in an ideal world, even the males would be required to study what is so great about “Real Women”.
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BUT THAT SIGN DOESN'T APPLY TO A PRINCESS LIKE ME, DOES IT?
But since all the knee-jerk female feminists are already falsely accusing me of being a misogynist for exposing the truth in that segment above, I might as well close this final installment of ‘SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US’ by laying one more Inconvenient Female Truth on ya. This is a true-to-life scenario that I am familiar with, it has not been exaggerated in any way in order to make a point. This is the truth:
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Where I work, there are three entrances into the building, at the North, South, and East ends. At 6:00 PM, the North and South doors get roped off and signed (“Please Use The East Door Only”) in order to direct all traffic through the East door alone. It’s a valid security measure that I won’t bother to explain in detail.
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This means that people leaving the building after 6 PM, but who are parked nearest the North or South entrances, are required to use the East door and walk a little further to reach their cars in the parking lot. At most, we’re talking about an extra one or one and a half minute of exercise (walking).
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In the last 12 years, perhaps 5 males – TOTAL! - have asked if they could slip under the rope/sign and exit out the door closest to their parked car. In those same 12 years, 4 or 5 women per week – PER WEEK! – have asked if they could slip under the rope and sign and use the closest door. Even when there’s still plenty of daylight outside (and security parking lot escorts are readily available after sunset), it makes no difference – day or night, light or dark – 4 or 5 women will beg for special treatment every week, requesting to use the closed exits solely because they are closer to their parked cars.
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Based on these facts, what differences can we discern between men and women? What is the thinking process behind the massive discrepancy we see in the way that men react to the regulation and the way women react to it? Anyone have any ideas what we can conclude from this scenario about how men and women perceive themselves?
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My observations related to the above illustration have caused me over the years to develop a simple theory that I have named “The Princess Principle”. Enough said?
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FURTHER GENDER-RELATED VIEWPOINTS
'Wrestling With Morality: Boys Vs. Girls On The Mat'
By Selwyn Duke
(He couldn't have said it better!)
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This has been another fine Ariel O. O’Airedale (who was mostly absent) & Stephen T. McCarthy production, brought to you by our sponsor . . .
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THE DOUBLE-D SPORTS BRA BAR
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Home Of The “20-for-19” Drink Special

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The “20-for-19” Drink Special: Drink 19 Martinis during Happy Hour and your 20th Martini is “on the house!”
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~ Stephen T. McCarthy (and Ariel O. O’Airedale)
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Back Issues: 
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SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US - #8
SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US - #7
SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US - #6
SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US - #5
SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US - #4
SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US - #3
SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US - #2
SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US - #1
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Forerunner to S. T. & V. R US: 
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7 Remastered RANDOM THOUGHTS + 1 Previously Unreleased BONUS TRACK And 1 ALTERNATE TAKE
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YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.
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