In January of 2008, in anticipation of the presidential election and while I was still active at BigBitch.com (before that website censored me), I put together something titled ‘MY SH#T LIST’. It was conceived as a commentary on the presidential candidates but quickly grew into something more inclusive, and not surprisingly, it featured some pretty snarky remarks.
Below is
my original 2008 ‘SH#T LIST’ followed by my three 2013 additions.
.
.
by
Michael Medved (Paperback)
Added March
29, 2008
Should be
titled: "LEFT TURNS WITH MY RIGHT TURN BLINKER FLASHING: From Liberal
Activist To Phony Conservative In 35 Highly Suspect Lessons".
.
.
by Karl
Marx and Friedrich Engels
Added March
29, 2008
It's also
published as a daily newspaper in America under the name "USA TODAY".
.
Magazine
Subscription - Liberty Media for Women
Added March
29, 2008
MS.
magazine is kind of like GQ magazine, except that MS. is written for men
instead.
.
.
by Betty
Friedan (Paperback)
Added March
29, 2008
"The
Feminine Mystique" should have been titled "The Female
MS.stink".
.
.
by Barack
Obama (paperback)
Added March
29, 2008
"The
times they are a-CHANGIN’." Nah, not really; it's the same
old sh#t, just a different socialist. [The book should have been titled ‘THE
AUDACITY OF COMMUNISTS’.]
.
Paris Hilton (Audio CD)
Added January
13, 2008
Paris
Hilton looks exactly like my inflatable girlfriend, only Paris isn't nearly as smart.
.
Magazine
Subscription - New York Times
Added January
13, 2008
All the
Socialistic “propagandogma” that's unfit to print!
.
Magazine
Subscription - Time Direct Ventures (Magazine)
Added January
13, 2008
For those
who need full-color pictures to help them understand their socialistic
propaganda.
.
Newsweek
Magazine
subscription
Added January
13, 2008
For those
who need full-color pictures to help them understand their socialistic
propaganda but who wish to pretend like they don't.
.
.
by
Sourcebooks Inc. (Calendar)
Added January
13, 2008
Well, at
least the Scarecrow KNEW that he didn't have a brain! We're really gonna miss
ya, Georgie, but you'll finally have the time you need to follow that yellow
brick road to—
[We interrupt this broadcast of ‘My Sh#t List’ for this important announcement:
According to federal and local publishing enforcement officials, ‘LOST AND FOUND’, a novella by Bryan Pedus and Brandon Meyers has just been released. It’s a psychological horror story and unlike anything they’ve ever written before. You can learn about it by clicking HERE.
The authorities stress that this is not an emergency – we repeat, this is NOT an emergency, as plenty of copies of ‘Lost And Found’ are currently available. If this HAD been an actual emergency - because supplies were limited - you would have been notified about where to go, where to stick it, and where to get off.
Although supplies are plentiful, you should not wait to order your copy. Remember: He who hesitates is “LOST”... AND maybe never “FOUND”.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.]
--Oz and have your needs met.
[We interrupt this broadcast of ‘My Sh#t List’ for this important announcement:
According to federal and local publishing enforcement officials, ‘LOST AND FOUND’, a novella by Bryan Pedus and Brandon Meyers has just been released. It’s a psychological horror story and unlike anything they’ve ever written before. You can learn about it by clicking HERE.
The authorities stress that this is not an emergency – we repeat, this is NOT an emergency, as plenty of copies of ‘Lost And Found’ are currently available. If this HAD been an actual emergency - because supplies were limited - you would have been notified about where to go, where to stick it, and where to get off.
Although supplies are plentiful, you should not wait to order your copy. Remember: He who hesitates is “LOST”... AND maybe never “FOUND”.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.]
--Oz and have your needs met.
.
National Review - magazine subscription
Added January
13, 2008
‘National
Review’ is NEOCON CENTRAL: Where real conservatism goes to die.
.
by Robert
Edwon Riggs (Paperback)
Added January
13, 2008
Aww,
don't even get me started!
.
.
by
Hillary Rodham Clinton (Hardcover)
Added January
13, 2008
It Takes
A Village Idiot to be unable to see through Hillary Clinton!
[2013
Update: I actually read this book... in the spirit of “know your enemy”. At one
point in her book, HELLary Clinton praises the late Senator Margaret Chase
Smith for standing up against the devil (i.e., Senator Joe McCarthy) and
composing her ‘Declaration Of Conscience’ against him - which seven other
senators signed. McCarthy was soon referring to Smith and her friends as “Snow
White and the Seven Dwarfs”. McCarthy was great!]
.
.
Magazine
Subscription - Council on Foreign Relations
Added January
13, 2008
FOREIGN
AFFAIRS: No, it's not about European women whom President Clinton committed
adultery with. It's about treason committed by highly influential people in
highly influential places. And no, it doesn't depend on what the meaning of the
word “treason” is.
.
by Bill
Clinton (Mass Market Paperback)
Added January
13, 2008
I expect
that when it's finally published, Clinton’s book ‘MY ADULTEROUS YEARS; Vol.
69’ will sell big in America. Crap: We just eat it up here!
.
.
by U.S. Government (CD-ROM)
Added January
13, 2008
John
McCain: He's a Republican only because the Democrats felt that he was too
liberal for their party.
NOTE: The
updated edition of ‘MY SH#T LIST’ (i.e., the three 2013 additions to my 2008
original version) can be viewed by scrolling down or by clicking HERE.
~ Stephen T. McCarthy
YE OLDE
COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem
attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read:
"posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com,
so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.
.
Nice ABFTS plug, dude!
ReplyDeleteHave to agree with most of your list (giving that I didn't know ALL of them. I think you could probably add the Foreign Policy mag website to your list for the same reasons. I started following it for a more detailed look into the subject, but swiftly found that one (in particular) of their opinion people was a complete lunatic and yet he continually got star status. I was going to bop over there for a look to see if his name was readily available, but guess what? Someone has attached one of those "your computer has a virus" viruses on it. Sucks to be them!
CW ~
DeleteThanks! I hope The Beer Boys like the plug as well as you did, Brother.
Hmmm... The 'Foreign Policy' mag website? You got me there, CW - I don't think I've ever even heard of it. I readily admit that I'm an old guy who is decidedly Old School, and as such, I still read more books than I do websites.
Thanks for reading and commenting, my friend.
~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'
Hey, dude, I've been fighting with your dummy all weekend! To see why check out my "Early Sunday Message" post on Saturday, and probably there will be a follow up Monday. And watch out, because I think Charlie McCarthy is going to sue you for slander...
DeleteMake that "is posted", under "What can you say about..."
DeleteBROTHER MARTIN ~
DeleteThanks for keeping me in the loop, my man! I have already been to your blog and read the two installments pertaining to this. I plan to return and actually leave a little feedback for you there as well.
Charlie McCarthy might sue me for slander? HA!
Well, first, what makes you think so?
And second... that would be a real hoot if she did. (Whoa! I guess I have REALLY gotten under her skin, even more so than all the Liberals and Atheists she has done battle with over the years. So, it took a mediocre follower of Jesus to inspire a lawsuit from her? Ha!, again.)
Isn't there a passage in God's Holy Book about followers of Jesus refraining from suing other followers of Jesus? Yes... I knew there was. I guess S.S. doesn't interpret THAT verse correctly either.
Let's see here... to sue someone for slander, first you need to find a lawyer willing to do it. It's a very difficult thing to prove slander, especially in a case where the defendant has never misquoted the offended party, and in a country where we have freedom of speech, a person can share their negative opinions about other people on a personal blog. It's really quite legal.
But what is ILLEGAL is for someone to assume another person's identity and publicly post words in that person's name with the intent of making them look bad in public.
It would be ILLEGAL for me to take the name CWMartin, link it to the blog 'Tilting At Windmills', and then publicly post words that give the appearance that the real CWMartin of 'Tilting At Windmills' has written "such and such" or "so and so" in a public forum.
There are labels for things like that... "lying", "slander", and "identity theft" come immediately to my mind.
Let Susan "Charlie McCarthy" Shannon try to sue me for slander, and then watch how fast her head spins when she is immediately countersued for the aforementioned crimes.
Has she really done that? Has that wonderful, God-loving, self-professed "Christian" Susan Shannon really stolen my identity and used it to call myself "a rat" in public? You better believe she has, and I have complete copies of all the evidence. WordPress.com has already been notified and legal action is not out of the question.
So... yeah, I'm really quaking in my boots at the prospect of a slander suit brought against me by that righteous "Christian" woman at 'Short Little Rebel'. Let her attempt to sue me and see how fast that table gets turned on her!
I have posted S.S.'s own words on my blog and publicly shared my opinions about them, but I have never attributed anything to her that wasn't factual; if I said she wrote it, she wrote it, and very often I've included links to the original source. And I have never posted slanderous lies about her while deceiving my readers into thinking that she herself wrote them.
Good luck to her with that lawsuit! I have all the evidence I'll need to convict HER of slander, falsehood, and identity theft.
~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'
Sorry for my lack of clarity- I meant the actual dummy, Charlie McCarthy, suing you for calling HER a dummy. I don't think she'd bother with any lawsuits, she's too convinced that God will bite when she says, "sic 'im!"
DeleteOh, that's funny, CW!
DeleteWhen you said Charlie McCarthy was going to sue me, naturally I assumed you meant the REAL knothead - Susan Shannon.
Now I'm a little disappointed because I'll confess that I took a sorta perverse pride in thinking I, of all people, was the one to inspire a slander lawsuit from the S.O.G.
Hmmm... Well, now I'm thinking: "What WOULD it take?" Ha!-Ha!
TO ALL OTHER READERS:
If you have the time and inclination, and want to be entertained, be sure to check out CWMartin's blog bit at 'Tilting At Windmills' pertaining to Susan Shannon, the "Short Little Psycho". You will find it here:
http://humbleauthorbsp.blogspot.com/2013/05/what-can-you-say-about.html
~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'
Glad you enjoyed, thanks for the plug.
DeleteIsn't Michael Medved a film critic? Since when was he a political voice?
ReplyDeleteAnd stop dissing Paris Hilton! I am sure she is every bit as good a singer as Bill Clinton was a president!
If you ever do an online list, make sure you include Huffington Post and Excremental Cowboy
DR. DISCDUDE ~
DeleteYes, Michael Medved IS a film critic. He's also a political talk radio host whose program is nationally syndicated. He is carried here in Phoenix, Airheadzona, on 960 AM, which is a disgusting NeoConservative lovefest station. I pretty much want to strangle 95% of the Yak Radio liars at 960 - the horribly misnamed 'Patriot'.
Medved is a smug, arrogant, deceiving PUNK, and I sometimes dream of having a chance to face him in a formal debate about the 'New World Order' conspiracy and the 9/11 false flag tragedy. I would make mincemeat out of that smug f**ker and then bake him in a pie for six hundred and sixty-six blackbirds!
Paris Hilton... Ha! Actually, one could possibly make the argument that she is a BETTER singer than Clinton was a president. ...Or not.
Yeah, The Excremental Cowboy... About a month ago I visited his blog to see what sort of shit he's been spewing lately. I found a blog bit about gun control and the NRA, in which, true to his lying fashion, he was telling whoppers about the 2nd Amendment and the meaning of the "militia". So I submitted nothing but a link to my recent blog bit here at F-FFF about gun control.
A few days ago I finally remembered to go back and see how he responded. You guessed it... he refused to post my link, knowing it shattered his own false pro-gun control argument to little pieces.
But, although he had refused to post my link, I saw where someone came along later and argued against Loony Leftist Len Hart's lie. He responded with his customary vulgar, profanity-laced tirade. (Loony Leftist Len Hart thinks that 4-letter words are a legitimate debating strategy!)
So I left another comment saying, "You're a great debater, Len!"
He actually posted it and replied, beginning with the words "Respectfully, Stephen..." and then proceeded to tell me why the guy he was replying to deserved his 4-letter non-response.
I got the distinct impression that Loony Leftist Len Hart did not even recall that I am the person whose link he had recently rejected on THAT SAME blog bit!
I swear, man, there are a lot of blogging bozos out there... and whatever Loony Len is smoking, me wants some. (He REALLY IS the Liberal version of Susan Shannon! I totally nailed that one previously.)
~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'
Why doesn't Lenny just turn off comments?
DeleteWhy do I even bother to ask...he's a crazy man!
I did not know that about Medved-did not like him as a film critic, so I am sure I'd loathe him as a political voice.
Well, I'll tell ya what - I actually like Medved as a film critic 100% better than I do as a political pundit.
DeleteYou already know how I despise NeoCons... well, bear in mind that Medved is the one NeoCon I despise the absolute most, and that gives you a pretty good indication of where I'm coming from with regards to him.
~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'
Thanks, all. Replies scheduled for tomorrow.
ReplyDelete~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'
Very clever explanations on your picks. You should have a newspaper or magazine column. I hope to never see my book on your poop list. There is ONE line in my book I think you'd like. It's an expletive of sorts, especially appropriate for someone like you... "Well, I'll be a democrat..."
ReplyDeleteThanks, SUSAN.
Delete"Poop list"? I don't have a poop list.
Ha! I DO like your line. In my opinion, it doesn't get much worse than calling a person a "Democrat". You nailed that one, my friend!
~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'
2013 Update: I actually read this book... in the spirit of “know your enemy”. At one point in her book, HELLary Clinton praises the late Senator Margaret Chase Smith for standing up against the devil (i.e., Senator Joe McCarthy) and composing her ‘Declaration Of Conscience’ against him - which seven other senators signed. McCarthy was soon referring to Smith and her friends as “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”. McCarthy was great!]
ReplyDeleteMcCarthy should have called her the commie princess and the seven buffoons. Yet, I can't say his is bad. Clever really. How can you stomach Clintons poorly constructed propaganda? I understand you want to know your enemy, but WOW!!!! Gots to give ya credit my friend. Reading that would probably make me want to stick a shot gun in my mouth.
I actually plan on returning to my political studies once I finish Missler. I'm thinking of finally reading foundations, or another section in tragedy and hope. Talk about knowing your enemy. Reading Quigley last time (200 plus pages) almost made me want to jump off a cliff. Good blog bit brother. Yak at ya soon.
-Br'er Marc
Good to hear from ya, BR'ER!
DeleteYeah, I have read some of the enemy's writings... that's how I know what their arguments are going to be even before they crap 'em out.
I don't own all of the enemy's books that I've read, but I do own some of the foundational texts, such as 'The Communist Manifesto', The Humanist Manifestos I & II', 'The Humanist Manifesto 2000'. I also have 'Tragedy & Hope', although that's not a foundational book of The Left's.
In Fred Schwarz's excellent book 'You Can Still Trust The Communists To Be Communists', there's a humorous passage about knowing your enemy (sometimes even better than they know themselves). He wrote:
I mentioned Dialectical Materialism, whereupon the Communist leader challenged me. "What is Dialectical Materialism?" he asked. I replied, "Dialectical Materialism is the philosophy of Karl Marx that he formulated by taking the dialectic of Hegel, marrying it to the materialism of Feuerbach, abstracting from it the concept of progress in terms of the conflict of contradictory, interacting forces called the Thesis and the Antithesis culminating at a critical nodal point where one overthrows the other, giving rise to the Synthesis, applying it to the history of social development, and deriving therefrom an essentially revolutionary concept of social change." The questioner looked at me with wide-open eyes. I added, "Don't blame me. It is your philosophy, not mine. You are the one who believes it."
Are you digging the Missler book at all?
~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'
Hey, I'm glad to hear after reading your comment today that I'm not crazy. I've come back a few times and didn't see my comment posted so I was wondering if it got eaten.
ReplyDeleteAll I said was something like this...
I can't believe you gave a mention to that brainless blonde hoochie. Or Paris Hilton. Ba-dum-BUM.
So word has it you finished Demeecho and the Mango Flavored Taco Truck (oh, no, that's the direct-to-DVD Latin sequel, sorry). How did that find you?
BEER BOY BRYAN (3-B) ~
DeleteFirst and foremost, please know for future reference that you are - officially! - one of this blog's officially labeled 'Official Magnificent Seven', or "OO7" ('Officially Ordained Seven'). Therefore, under no circumstances would I ever refrain from posting a comment you submitted.
If you submit a comment and it's a No-Show, that only goes to show that the Blogspot system blows so!
At the time I was collecting all the photos and text for this new old ‘2008 SH#T LIST’, I had already finished reading 'Meechie And The Taco-Flavored Burritoship', and I was honestly thinking about YOU!... While I was posting the photo and text regarding Paris Hilton and my "inflatable girlfriend", I wondered if, when you read this, would you believe I had really written that at BigBitch.com in 2008, or would you think I had borrowed the idea from your book 'Meechie And The Burrito-Flavored Tacoship'?
Incidentally, I was also using the ‘Inflatable Girlfriend’ gag on THIS blog long before I had the pleasure of making your acquaintance. There used to be a series (ten installments) here at ‘Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends’ titled ‘Sex, Tattoos And Violence R Us’, and my featured collaborator on that series was my “inflatable girlfriend” named “Ariel O. O’Airedale” (although no one ever bothered to ask, the middle initial O. stood for “Oxygen”). She was full of “air” and she was a dog, and she was also the acknowledged “brains of the outfit”.
Anyway, I seemed to be the only person who really liked the series, so I eventually discontinued it (although a link to it still appears in the left column under ‘Da Best O’Blog?’)
I only tell you this as a foreword to this observation: WARPED MINDS BEND ALIKE (“Ariel O. O’Airedale” and “Li’l Miss Luv You Long Time”).
Right now it’s past 10 P.M. here in Hell (a.k.a. Phoenix) and I gots to get my tired, old ass up for 8 hours of soul-killing monotony tomorrow (a.k.a. My F##king Job), so I’m-a cut it short here. But in a nutshell, I DID enjoy your book and I will relate more of my thoughts on it very soon, either here in this comment section, or in the next (stay tuned, Bro).
There was one thing in particular in your book that had me laughing for days. In fact, I STILL laugh about it every time I think about it. I wonder if you could possibly guess what it might be. (I seriously doubt it, because I think I have a fairly unusual Sense O’Humor, and I doubt that MY favorite moment in your book would correspond with any other reader’s favorite moment in your book.) I’ll give you one big hint, and then give you a little time to see if you can come up with it.
Here’s the hint: I am a HUGE fan of ‘Black Comedy’ – very dark can be very funny, but I still want it mixed with some genuine “intelligence”.
Having said that, there was a three-paragraph passage in the first half of your book that I ‘yellow-highlighted’ and that was, for me, the true “highlight” of the entire book (although I enjoyed many other portions also, and the book as a whole).
What say you?
~ Stephen
It just seems like yesterday our blog was eating your comments. Now yours is eating mine. Perhaps now balance is finally restored to the Blog-World?
ReplyDeleteI'm honored to be a member of the Official Magnificient Seven. I'll try my best not to abuse that position of power by posting an offensive comment (Wait, is it even possible to offend you?).
You've put me in quite the spot here. You see, you're asking me to pick out the most brilliant 3 paragraphs of the book, but as a brilliant writer, that could be almost any paragraph... okay, I'm kidding. But I'm actually not sure what part it could be. The funny thing about writing a book a long time ago is that you don't remember a lot of the details as time passes. I went back and read it to get it ready for sale about a year ago and found so much writing I didn't even remember creating.
I'm still making my way through some of the 10 backlogs as I write this, but I can appreciate Ariel O. O'Airedale and her antics. I think so far my favorite line is...
The other night I rolled over in bed and whispered some sweet nuttin’s into the ear of my girlfriend, Ariel. Her reaction? She snapped, “Not tonight, Stephen, I have an airheadache!”
Oh how I love a properly executed pun.
I would not have thought you borrowed anything, and hopefully now it won't be assumed I stole the inflatable girlfriend bit from yourself. Not sure if you've seen the movie Lars and the Real Girl, but the number one question I ALWAYS hear after someone reads the book is, "Was it inspired by Lars and the Real Girl?"
No, it was not. It was actually inspired by my time spent in Thailand. My host family ended up wanting me to marry their 28 year old daughter and to bring her back to America, and I was not down with that. She was truly the dumbest person I've ever met, and also the most useless, and I'm not even saying that to be mean. She just was. As a woman in Thailand who was expected to be married off to a wealthy (they thought I was rich - HAAAA) man, she couldn't cook, didn't know how to clean, and didn't even know how to run a laundry machine.
So I had this fleeting thought one day that being married to someone like her must be like being married to an inflatable doll - full of hot air, nothing upstairs, and not good for much more than sitting around the house doing nothing or possibly for sex. I know, probably not the nicest of inspirations, but it turned out into a hell of a story idea.
Oh, and if you're wondering, I never found out about that whole sex thing. Her parents kept trying to coax me into doing it (which, you know, isn't awkward at all) but I knew it was just a trap to get me to somehow get feelings for her.
Also, let me just say that it's hard to tell people that I went to Thailand by myself when I was a single fellow, because the automatic assumption is that you're going there for cheap hookers. For the record I did not, and the most action I got was a kiss on the cheek by a random ladyboy that passed me on the street and called me "Mr. Brad Pitt." (God bless them, they think we whities all look alike, and I wasn't gonna argue with her comparison).
I went there to experience a different culture and a different walk of life with a host family, and while the daughter part turned out to not be a highlight, I saw some amazing sights, ate some amazing food, learned some Muay Thai, and found that God even hangs out in the jungles of Asia.
3-B ~
ReplyDeleteHa! What a great comment, McBuddy! That was similar to the kinds of comments that I often leave for others. Long, lighthearted, fun, full of personal information and asides - In other words, I loved it, Beer Boy!
So, after a long week of Torture-4-Money, I am unwinding with a Lumberyard Brewing Co. 'Flagstaff IPA', I've got the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds' album playing, and I am not yet mentally prepared to reply to this great comment in the manner it deserves.
There's a lot to respond to here, and I want to give you some of my impressions of 'Meechie And The Taco-Flavored Monkey Burrito'. Whoa! I feel an aside coming on here...
When I lived in Los Angeles, on my way to Dodger Stadium I'd often pass this little Mexican fast food joint that was directly across from MacArthur Park on Alvarado Street (the street made famous in Zevon's zong 'Carmelita'). The place had a bright yellow sign and it was called '69 TACOS BURRITOS'.
I often wondered if the place had been deliberately named as a sexual reference. It would seem like a no-brainer... except that where it was located was a very run-down ghetto area that was largely inhabited by Hispanics... and most of them were probably in the country illegally. So in the end, I decided that it was probably just a very weird coincidence. And, after all, oftentimes nonfiction really is stranger than fiction.
Anyway... I will return here sometime this weekend (maybe even later tonight if I'm buzzed enough) and give you a "proper" reply in which I will reveal my favorite 3 paragraphs of your book.
Remember, I did narrow it down somewhat by saying it occurred in the first half AND it was some seriously dark "Black Comedy". (I was thinking about it again today on my route - when I pulled up at 3030 N. Central Ave. and again it made me chuckle. This is one of those rare things that can make me laugh time and time again, anytime I think of it. It's probably just an "STMcC Thang".)
Mo' Later, Bro, but I wanted you to know that this comment of yours made it past the Blogspot Bug.
~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'
I'm glad to hear my comments are no longer being swallowed, and above all, I'm just glad to see a good Zevon reference. 69 Tacos Burritos isn't by the Pioneer chicken stand, is it?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I don't know if this helps solve the mystery, but a lot of Vietnamese restaurants around here are called things like PHO 79, PHO 69, etc, and I found out that it's because they like to list the year they opened their restaurant. So for example, PHO 79 was opened in 1979. It's kind of a "my restaurant has been around longer than your restaurant" bragging right, and you won't see new restaurants putting up anything like PHO 13 because that's new and unproven. So, any chance 69 Tacos Burritos was established in 1969?
I'm looking forward to that reply. I've been in the business of torture-4-money as well, namely a day long book signing, and I'd need a good IPA or three in my system before leaving more of a reply than this, so I understand, trust me!
Part 1:
Delete3-B ~
>>...It just seems like yesterday our blog was eating your comments. Now yours is eating mine. Perhaps now balance is finally restored to the Blog-World?
That’s the way I see it. It’s like a really good IPA – you need that hop / malt balance.
I hope you and I have now “balanced” our books ‘n’ beers.
>>...Wait, is it even possible to offend you?
Axe Susan Shannon.
>>...The funny thing about writing a book a long time ago is that you don't remember a lot of the details as time passes. I went back and read it to get it ready for sale about a year ago and found so much writing I didn't even remember creating. [...] I'm still making my way through some of the 10 backlogs as I write this, but I can appreciate Ariel O. O'Airedale and her antics. I think so far my favorite line is... The other night I rolled over in bed and whispered some sweet nuttin’s into the ear of my girlfriend, Ariel. Her reaction? She snapped, “Not tonight, Stephen, I have an airheadache!”
Bryan, I wrote that so long ago that... I don’t even remember that particular line (seriously). I know you’re right, because a year or so ago I went back and read a good amount of my old screenplay from, like, 1990. Some of it I remembered, of course, but a lot of it was like reading someone else’s writing as I had no recollection of many of the details.
>>...Not sure if you've seen the movie Lars and the Real Girl, but the number one question I ALWAYS hear after someone reads the book is, "Was it inspired by Lars and the Real Girl?"
Not only have I never seen the movie, I had never even heard of it before.
Every time someone heard me explain my spiritual philosophy, they’d ask me if I got it from the movie ‘The Matrix’. The first time I finally got around to watching ‘The Matrix’ it was about ten years old. Answer: “No”.
>>...So I had this fleeting thought one day that being married to someone like her must be like being married to an inflatable doll - full of hot air, nothing upstairs, and not good for much more than sitting around the house doing nothing or possibly for sex. I know, probably not the nicest of inspirations, but it turned out into a hell of a story idea.
Oh, Bro, I know! It’s amazing sometimes how a little speck of inspiration turns into a full-blown story. My aforementioned screenplay gradually grew out of something as simple as this: I walked into a bar in Venice, California; I ordered a drink; raising the drink to my lips I saw my reflection in the mirror behind the bar. That was it! One year and 118 pages later, I had a screenplay. (BTW, in a few ways, my main male character in the screenplay was somewhat similar to “Meechie”.)
Continued Below...
Part 2:
Delete>>...I saw some amazing sights, ate some amazing food, learned some Muay Thai, and found that God even hangs out in the jungles of Asia.
Interesting. The furthest away from the United States that I’ve ever been is a jail in Ensenada, Mexico. And I found that God does NOT hang out in the jails of Mexico. Oh well...
>>...69 Tacos Burritos isn't by the Pioneer chicken stand, is it?
Well, the Pioneer Chicken Stand is long gone, and oddly, most people believe (apparently even Warren Zevon did) that there never really was a Pioneer Chicken Stand on Alvarado Street. Zevon used to hang out at one nearby on Sunset Blvd., and that’s the one he had in mind when he wrote ‘Carmelita’ (a great song, in my opinion).
But I distinctly recall that there WAS a Pioneer Chicken Stand on Alvarado, and on my ‘STUFFS’ blog I posted a couple of blog bits about this subject and dispelled that myth. I even included a photograph or two showing EXACTLY WHERE the Pioneer Chicken Stand stood on Alvarado Street back in the early to mid 1970s. It seems even Zevon thought it was a myth, but it WASN’T! I passed it many times on my way to Dodger Stadium.
Now, to actually ANSWER your question: The ‘Pioneer Chicken Stand’ was about 14 blocks north of ‘69 Tacos Burritos’, and on the same side (east) of Alvarado Street. (I’m your one-stop shop for Warren Zevon trivia!)
>>...a lot of Vietnamese restaurants around here are called things like PHO 79, PHO 69, etc, and I found out that it's because they like to list the year they opened their restaurant. [...] So, any chance 69 Tacos Burritos was established in 1969?
Ah-ha! I never knew that, but here in Phoenix we also have some Vietnamese restaurants called, like, PHO 80, or whatever number. That makes total sense, 3-B. I always wondered if “69” might have been somehow related to the joint’s address on Alvarado Street, but I never cared enough to investigate that idea further. But the year it was established might very well be the hidden meaning of the “69”; I would say, in a neighborhood like that, right across from MacArthur Park, it was quite possible the joint had been there since ’69.
I pass on my clues about the age of shrink-wrapped tequila to you, and you reciprocate with knowledge about the age of fast food joints. "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
>>...I've been in the business of torture-4-money as well, namely a day long book signing
Ha!-Ha! Sounds pretty rough. Wanna trade tortures?
OK, and now to my feedback for your book ‘Meechie And The Sex-Flavored Cucumbership’:
First, Bryan, you can REALLY write! I’ll admit that I wasn’t convinced of that fact prior to reading the book. Sure, I’ve been following your blog for awhile and I find it entertaining, sometimes very funny (I’ll never forget the “Angry Kurds”), but a good blog does not a good writer make. [As I type now, I am listening to the CD ‘Buena Vista Social Club Presents IBRAHIM FERRER’. I don’t know why but for whatever reason, it makes me write mo’ bettah.]
Continued Below...
Part 3:
DeleteMost blogs are the products of “J.K. Rowling-Wannabes”, and although the punctuation is usually correct, I rarely see the wordplay and the facility with language that I would expect from future professional writers. In my opinion, my own blogs HAVE displayed wordplay and an ability to manipulate language to achieve a desired effect, however, I realized years before I ever began blogging that I do not have the talent to be a professional writer. So I simply “blog” (which sounds like something a person shouldn’t publicly admit to: “OK, so I blog. But I ALWAYS clean up after myself later!”)
I feel that I’m the poster child for ‘Writing Failure And Blogging Mediocrity’ [“I speak for all mediocrities in the world. I am their champion. I am their patron saint.” ~Salieri] However, your book convinced me that you REALLY CAN write.
I really liked the way you concluded the story. I need to write somewhat cryptically here so as not to spoil the story for anyone who decides to read it for him/herself. But, I have a natural aptitude for noticing patterns, which is why I am ashamed that the conclusion caught me by surprise. (Of course, I also read the entire book before Noon, when I am entirely asleep, having worked a night shift for 15 years. So THAT is my EXCUSE for not having seen the ending coming.) The... uh... “similarity” between Meechie’s girlfriend and his “wife” is something I should have picked up on, but sleepreading like I was, I didn’t, so when it was revealed as a “twist” at the end, I said: “Whoa-ya!” THAT, my friend, was good writing!
What else? Well, I enjoyed many of your similitudes and the creative way you used the language [“Demetri’s car shudders like a Parkinson’s patient”]. Also, the way you authentically captured the vocabulary of a mentally retarded person [“Hi, girl”; “Hi, boy”; “Hi, people”] For a time, I worked with mentally retarded people, so I can state that your dialogue was pretty darned accurate most of the time! (You overplayed it somewhat but, yes, there really is such a thing as “Retard strength”.)
I also liked some of your little social commentary observations (e.g., ‘public schools’ on page 147, and ‘NASCAR fans’ on page 301). And I appreciated your awareness of “ancient” things, for a person who is not yet [What’d you say, Willis?] thirty years old. You know, things like Munch’s ‘The Scream’ and Frampton’s “talk-box”.
And that brings me to my three favorite paragraphs in the entire book. This would probably make my list of Top Ten Moments In ‘Black Comedy’ History. I am referring to the epitaphs on the imaginary tombstones of Alaina Gainer and (especially) the narcoleptic Sammy Sleepsalot (page 36). I laugh out loud every time I think about them! Simply “CLASSIC BLACK COMEDY!” I could retire satisfied after writing a passage like that!
Anyway, Brother, in all seriousness, I have probably read 5 or fewer books of fiction in the last 15 or 20 years (I am almost exclusively devoted to nonfiction – that’s why I win my debates with Liberals and Atheists). But your book, although fiction, was worth my time to read, and that should be taken as quite a compliment.
One of the all-time greatest influences on me, Henry David Thoreau, wrote: “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation”. You wrote: “I can’t seem to get over my past, I can’t live in the present, and I have no future.” One thing that you and Thoreau have in common is that... you both described the real me pretty well.
Good book, Bryan! It far exceeded my expectations, Brother.
~ D-FensDogg
‘Loyal American Underground’
Part 4:
DeleteADDENDUM:
3-B, there were a few other things I intended to mention last night in my comment(s), but being 53 years old... shit happens... to disappear from the mind. (You’ll find out, young man, you’ll find out.)
Anyway, here are a few items I inadvertently left out of last night’s praise:
[*I’m listening to the album ‘ASTRAL WEEKS’ while typing this. It doesn’t get much better than that.*]
One thing that made your book so richly entertaining was the abundance of gems tucked into the story everywhere. From the surreal [Mai Keungern singing “I’m Henry the Eighth, I am, I am...”] to the amusingly morbid children’s book titles [e.g., ‘Farmer Brown Has Polio’ – more great Black Comedy there, Bro!]
Another one of those little details of “ancient” knowledge you displayed and which I appreciated so much was the reference on page 320 of Babe Ruth’s “Called Shot”. I love it when younger people have an interest in history, whether political, social, artistic, or sports history. You must read a lot of nonfiction too, because for a young man you seem to have a solid awareness of “old stuffs”, and I digs that, Bryan!
And another thing that made me smile was your mention on page 294 of “writing letters to companies complaining about their food (to get free stuff)”. It reminded me of the time (circa 1993) when I wrote a letter of complaint to Nabisco, telling my coworkers that it would get me a bunch of free product from the company.
The thing is though, I made the letter too obviously comedic. I was pretty sure that they would see through it and know that I was scamming them, but I was so enjoying playing the “goofball” part while composing the letter that I just couldn’t bring myself to “tone it down” for free stuffs. And I was right, the reader knew that ‘no one could be that much of a doofus’, so they just sent some lousy coupons or something. But the real fun was in the writing of the letter. (I posted it years ago somewhere on my ‘STUFFS’ blog.)
And lastly, Brother Bryan, in the second part of this “SH#T LIST”, where I wrote about Susan Shannon again, I had hoped that you would notice I borrowed one of your lines from ‘Demetri And The Banana-Flavored Rocketship’. Did you? I wrote: ...she discovered that she “had talked trash to the wrong Alaskan brown bear” with a blog. And I linked your quotation to your book’s product page at BigBitch.com.
Did you catch that? I did it just for your amusement, man.
Anyway, you are a very talented writer, Bryan, and I expect there will come a time when I will be saying, “I knew him when...”
Yak Later...
~ D-FensDogg
‘Loyal American Underground’