NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT...

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So, I was at Great Basin Brewing Company the other day...
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No, that goober in shorts ain't me!

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And these two guys come in and sit just to the left of me at the bar. The moment they entered the front door I had one thought: Gay, gay. [*Alright, maybe that's technically two thoughts. So, sue me, Sue!*]
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Glancing at the guy to my immediate left, I had a thought: His biceps are smaller than his forearms, and he's wearing a short-sleeved checkered shirt. Yeah, I guessed he was gay, and this proves it! [*Alright, so maybe that's technically more than "a thought". You're ALREADY suing me!]
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I sent out a text to my brother, Nappy, and two friends, Trainyard Julio and Nitro Wilbury, and I wrote:

FUN FACT: Any man whose forearms are as large or larger than his biceps is certifiably homosexual. And that's "clocked".

Brother Nappy texted back:

You sayin' Popeye is light on his feet?

Me: The truth is finally "OUT" about Popeye!

Nappy: So, Olive Oyl was a front all those years?

Me: Olive Oyl was just Popeye's "beard".

Nappy: Spinach makes you gay?

Me: What other conclusion could one come to? No wonder Michael Obama wanted to dictate what school children could eat for lunch!

Nappy: Just like Columbo, you've pieced it all together.

Meanwhile, Nitro Wilbury had asked me...

Nitro: And, where do you get this information from?

Me: Seven years of professional work in Hollyweird, plus one afternoon of drinking beer at Great Basin Brewing Company.

Trainyard Julio texted this: What brought on this discovery?

Well, it was something that had occurred to me many, many years ago. Maybe while working in Hollyweird, I dunno. But it seemed to me that many of the guys I knew to be gay had biceps like sticks. However, even unathletic  heterosexual guys who'd never worked out with weights a day in their lives at least had biceps that exceeded their forearms in circumference. This is just a natural, automatic development in the maturing of males.

Of course, there are some other telltale signs one can look for.

Not every guy who wears one of these...
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...is gay. But there's a good chance of it.

And not every guy who wears one of these...
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...is gay. But there's a good chance of it.

And not every guy who wears a short-sleeved checkered shirt is gay. But there's a good chance of it.
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That shirt above is nearly identical to the one the guy sitting to the left of me at Great Basin Brewing Company was wearing. Short-sleeved checkered shirts are very Gooberville, Iowa; very Bumphuq, Idaho. Checkered shirts are manly but ONLY when they are long-sleeved. You can roll the long sleeves up if you want, but they gotta be there!

And, lastly, if a guy owns a dog like this...
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...he is most definitely gayer'n gay! (Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just sayin'.)
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Let's raise our glasses in this effeminate, metrosexual era and toast the Confident Heterosexuals... wherever they went off to:
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"May your biceps always exceed your forearms!"
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZeS1b4QSVk

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~ Stephen T. McCarthy
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