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| HO BIB (condition: used). |
It was 1989 or '90, while I was attending a game at Dodger Stadium with The Countess, that I said to her between innings, "I have to go pee". Then I stood and walked up the steps toward the restrooms.
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Sometime later, after returning to my seat, The Countess whispered to me, telling me that the old folks in the seats behind ours were shocked when they overheard me say the word "pee" in public.
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Unfortunately, the wholly unexpected Spiritual experience that would turn me into a Christian was still 4 or 5 years away, so my unfamiliarity with The Holy Bible left me without an E-Ticket reply to the old folks behind me at Dodger Stadium.
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If a similar incident occurred today, I would respond by saying something like this: "Hey, just be glad that I'm going to use a restroom, and I'm not going to pisseth against the wall, as mentioned in The Holy Bible" (i.e., --1 Sam. 25:22 & 25:34; 1 Kings 14:10 & 21:21; 2 Kings 9:8).
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Since my "born again" experience on April 6, 1994, I have read The Bible, from Genesis 1 through Revelation 22, nearly every single year (i.e., 28 or 29 times). My Bible version of choice is the "Lamsa" translation from the ancient Aramaic. My second most read translation is the New King James Version.
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A couple years back, I read the old family Bible, which is the KJV (King James Version from 1611). I thought it was so downright silly & embarrassing in places, that I decided to read it again in its entirety last year, and record some of the silliness.
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The original manuscripts were written in Hebrew & Aramaic, so it's ridiculous that there are folks out there known as KJV Only-ists, who adhere to the belief that ye olde English translation - largely from Greek - is the only reliable (and Divinely-inspired) English version of The Holy Scriptures. Tsk!-Tsk! Dogmatic Christian sheeples! SMH! (There's a dern good reason why the word "asses" comprises 5/6ths of the word "masses".)
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Anyway, below are some of my favorite examples of bad, silly, funny & embarrassing English found in the King James Version of The Holy Bible. I certainly do urge people to read The Bible from cover-to-cover every year, but "me thinketh" thou might want to read something other than the KJVeth:
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"that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss..."
--Isaiah 36:12
--2 Kings 18:27
--Isaiah 36:12
--2 Kings 18:27
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"Paps" (breasts)
--Ezekiel 23:21
--Luke 11:27 & 23:29
--Rev. 1:13
"stones" (testicles)
--Lev. 21:20
--Deut. 23:1
"secrets" (testicles)
--Deut. 25:11
"secret parts" (testicles)
--1 Sam. 5:9
"And when Sarai dealt hardly with her,..."
--Gen. 17:6
"yesternight"
--Gen. 19:34
--Gen. 31:29
"three days agone I fell sick."
--1 Sam. 30:13
"betwixt" (between)
--Gen. 26:28
--Gen. 31:37 & 32:16
"he shall lie all night betwixt my breasts."
--Song Of Solomon 1:13
"which thing ought not to be done."
--Gen. 34:7
"espied" (saw)
--Gen. 42:27
"blains" (boils)
--Ex. 9:9&10
"chargedst us" (ordered us)
--Ex. 19:23
"wont" (tendency)
--Ex. 21:29
"durst" (did)
--Matt. 22:46
"...where is he, that durst presume in his heart to do so?"
--Esther 7:5
"wherefore art thou?" (...Romeo?)
--Matt. 26:50
"seed of copulation"
--Lev. 15:16, 17, 18
"sacrifices unto devils, after whom they have gone a whoring."
--Lev. 17:7
"affrighted"
--Mark 16:5 & 6
"He mocketh at fear, and is not affrighted..."
--Job 39:22
"fearfulness affrighted me"
--Isaiah 21:4
"...the men of war are affrighted."
--Jeremiah 51:32
"We be come from a far country."
--Joshua 9:6
"she lighted off her ass"
--Joshua 15:18
"And he was sore athirst,"
--Judges 15:18
"Abraham gat up early in the morning to the place where he stood before the LORD."
--Genesis 19:27
"Moses went into the midst of the cloud, and gat him up into the mount."
--Exodus 24:18
"the man rose up, and gat him unto his place."
--Judges 19:28
"and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat."
--1 Kings 1:1
"and the pains of hell gat hold upon me"
--Psalm 116:3
"I gat me men singers and women singers"
--Ecclesiates 2:8
And thou shalt set upon the table shewbread before Me alway.
--Exodus 25:30
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Mephibosheth thy master's son shall eat bread alway at my table.
--2 Sam. 9:10
and prayed to God alway.
--Acts 10:2
For the needy shall not alway be forgotten
--Psalm 9:18
"And when the children of Ammon saw that they stank before David,..."
--2 Sam. 10:6
"Me thinketh..."
--2 Sam. 18:27
"mine eyes and mine heart shall be there perpetually."
--1 Kings 9:3
"What aileth thee?"
--2 Kings 6:28
"...the abominations of the heathen..."
--2 Kings 16:3
"one of the three mighties."
--1 Chron. 11:12
"he stinketh"
--John 11:39
Simon Peter saith unto them, "I go a fishing."
--John 21:3
...and his bishoprick let another take.
--Acts 1:20
escheweth evil
--Job 1:8 & 2:3
Understandest thou what thou readest?
--Acts 8:30
...and the world worshippeth.
--Acts 19:27
...rejoice with the wife of thy youth... let her breasts satisfy thee at all times.
--Proverbs 5:18 & 19
He that laboureth laboureth for himself; for his mouth craveth it of him.
--Proverbs 16:26
a naughty tongue.
--Proverbs 17:4
swallowed up with overmuch sorrow.
--2 Cor. 2:7
Happy is the man that feareth alway:
--Proverbs 28:14
To have respect of persons is not good: for for a piece of bread that man will transgress.
--Proverbs 28:21
"he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow."
--Ecclesiastes 1:18
"My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him."
--Song Of Solomon 5:4
"...refresh my bowels in the Lord".
--Philemon 1:20
"thy nose is as the tower of Lebanon which looketh toward Damascus."
--Song Of Solomon 6:4
The sword of the Lord is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness
-- Isaiah 34:6
Their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness.
--Isaiah 34:7
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"...and the other basket had very naughty figs, which could not be eaten, they were so bad."
--Jeremiah 24:2
And their feet were straight feet
--Ezekiel 1:7
For for this cause was the gospel preached also to them that are dead,...
--1 Peter 4:6
For this cause the king was angry and very furious
--Daniel 2:12
For they have made ready their heart like an oven, whiles they lie in wait:
--Hosea 7:6
Can a bird fall in a snare upon the earth, where no gin is for him?
--Amos 3:5
I heard the voice of harpers harping with their harps.
--Rev. 14:2
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I hope you got a few good chuckles out of that. I know I did!
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May You Bless & Be Blessed!!
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~ Stephen T. McCarthyeth
