SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US - #8

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WHAT HAS YOU GOTTEN YERSELF INTO?

“Sex, Tattoos & Violence R Us” = An absolutely unrelated, multitudinous conglomeration of subjects all addressed in a single blog bit and tied together by absolutely nuttin’ (also known as a “Hodgepodge O’Nuttin”).

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PRE-ANNOUNCEMENT ANNOUNCEMENT

At the very end of this blog bit, I will be making an important announcement, so please hang in here to the end. Sit tight. Don't go nowhere. Just keep reading. You know how to read, don't you? Just put your eyes together and go. (But if you get bored by all my babbling between here and there, just scroll down to the end. You know how to scroll, don't you? Just put your sleeve to your nose and blow.)

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DONATIONS ACCEPTED

Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends is maintained solely by volunteers and readers such as yourself who appreciate quality programming. If you wish to help keep this blog going strong, please consider contributing to it today! Together, we can keep fine blog bits like this one available to the public for years to come. Show your support of Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends by donating massive quantities of Modesto's finest - Night Train Express - for the upkeep of this worthy endeavor.
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Although this blogger prefers Night Train, Thunderbird - "The American Classic" - is also a perfectly acceptable gift. Last October's vintage of Night Train or Thunderbird will be extra appreciated, as that was a good month in Modesto.

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Please mail your love offering to:

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Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends
Attn: That guy who lives under the bridge in Cortez Park
c/o Phoenix Parks And Recreation Department
200 W. Washington St., 16th Floor
Phoenix, AZ. 85003
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I thank you, my ragamuffin dog "Ragamuffin" thanks you, and all my wino friends here in Cortez Park thank you!

[Alright, where's the vino?!]

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DEDICATION

I dedicate this blog bit to Ariel O. O'Airedale, my inflatable girlfriend. Without her, I'd be just another lonely blogger.

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I'm required to keep Ariel hidden, otherwise these other winos here in Cortez Park will attempt to "wine and dine" her.

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MY FAVORITE ADDICTION

Christmas 2010 is now history and we are almost a week into the new year and yet the melody of the song 'My Favorite Things' is still running through my brain about 16 hours out of every day. It usually takes 4 to 6 weeks after every Christmas season has ended before I find that I've finally stopped whistling, humming or breathing that melody. I swear, that song is more addictive than is Crack cocaine and welfare checks!

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WASTED AWAY AGAIN IN COMMIE ROOSKIEVILLE

And speaking of history . . . as some of you know, I am a voracious reader. But I'm also a book and magazine reader. Some years ago I came to this conclusion and recently had it reconfirmed for me by something that I read, that the Soviet Union was comprised of a lot of losers who were a great threat to the United States only to the degree that the United States government allowed them to be a threat. Nearly everything those idiots, The Village Rooskies, ever acquired in the way of technology and weaponry was either sold or given to them by the U.S. or stolen by them from the U.S. with Uncle Sam's tacit approval.

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The Russian commies (and really ALL commies for that matter) were French-like in the war theater. That is to say, they fought like schoolgirls and routinely got their butts handed to them in battle after battle. Commies make pretty pathetic warriors. In fact, when it came to being warriors, communists were more like "agrarian reformers".

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[That's a joke I just made up - and it's a pretty good one, too - but being a non-nonfiction reading, television-addicted American, you probably don't know enough history to "get" the joke.]

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Forget "the space race" and all that nonsense - do some real in-depth research and you will come to realize that without various forms of aid from the U.S. and our willingness to put the reins on our technological advances until the Rooskies could catch up, and without the "wink and nod" thievery that took place for years, Russia today would be about as technologically advanced as Afghanistan! I have concluded that there are only two things the Russians excel at: chess-playing and vodka-drinking. It has never been my habit to criticize people at the "group rate", but in this case, when it comes to "The Village Rooskies", SO VE IT!

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USAP : FIRST BLACK & RED IN THE WHITE HOUSE?

And while we're on the subject of Marxism . . . I've been thinking about Barack "USAP" Obama recently. Of course we all know he wasn't America's first Black president because a Black woman, Toni Morrison, told us that Bill Clinton could claim that honor. But here all along I'd been thinking that USAP was probably our first "Red" president - the first authentically Marxist man to occupy the White House. I now believe I may need to reevaluate that idea.

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Anyone who has read this blog even periodically knows that I am informed about "The New World Order" conspiracy. And thus, I am fully aware of how so many of our past presidents - beginning with Woodrow Wilson - aided the Communists in every imaginable way. Some, such as Roosevelt, Truman and Eisenhower went to great lengths to protect the Communists, both those abroad and those who were operating from within our own government. I have always viewed this aid and protection activity as merely an aspect of the New World Order conspiracy agenda, and never actually assigned authentic "Marxist" status to traitors like Wilson, Roosevelt and Truman.

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However, about a week or so ago, I finished reading the infamous book 'The Politician' by Robert Welch, and I gotta say, the author makes some very compelling arguments in defense of his thesis that Dwight David "Ike" Eisenhower wasn't just a New World Order conspiracy tool but quite possibly a genuine "card-carrying" Communist. I'm still not sure I'd positively make that assertion myself, but I must concede that there is more than ample evidence to well support it.

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If true then, that means that poor Barack "USAP" Obama didn't get to be our first BLACK president nor even our first RED president. Poor USAP, he's just "another" president.

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Oh! Wait! I got one for him! Barack "USAP" Obama can still - as far as I know - lay claim to being America's first foreign-born president. (He's so bad that I knew he must be first in something!)

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SPEAKING OF "USAP", RIDDLE ME THIS . . .

Q: What's Black and White and Red all over?

[Psst - a clue: It's not "a book" nor "a newspaper."]

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A: Your president.

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HAS ANYONE SEEN MY MISSING SOCK?

A few weeks back, I did a load of laundry and afterwards discovered that one on my socks had turned up missing. (I know! I know! "Turned up missing" - it's an oxymoron, just like me.)

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Anyway, don't bother me with details. What I'm trying to say is that one of my socks has been gone for weeks and I've finally given up the search. At this point, I strongly suspect my missing sock is in Kenya, hanging out with Barack Obama's missing birth certificate.
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HOLLYWOOD: NO MONOPOLY ON STUPID

The most recent book I've read had to do with Political Correctness, Islam, and The Crusades. Here's a couple of passages that particularly tickled me:

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"It's not like a stupid Hollywood movie," said French actress Eva Green about English director Sir Ridley Scott's Crusades flick, Kingdom of Heaven.

That's true. It's, like, a stupid English movie.

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Kingdom of Heaven is a classic cowboys-and-Indians story in which the Muslims are noble and heroic and the Christians are venal and violent. The script is heavy on modern-day PC cliches and fantasies of Islamic tolerance; brushing aside dhimmi laws and attitudes (of which Ridley Scott has most likely never heard), it invents a peace-and-tolerance group called the "Brotherhood of Muslims, Jews and Christians." But of course, the Christians spoiled everything. ... It is a dream movie for the PC establishment in every way except one: It isn't true.

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I GUESS HE COULDN'T KICK THE HABIT

And that's an ideal segue from the world of politics to the world of entertainment: Singer/songwriter Gerry Rafferty has died. Rafferty was the performer of the Top-40 hits 'Stuck In The Middle With You', 'Baker Street', and 'Right Down The Line'. When I told my brother, Napoleon, that Rafferty had died due to health issues related to alcoholism, Nappy immediately replied, "I thought he was gonna give up the booze and the one-night stands?"

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Ha! Yeah, that Nappy - he can be pretty quick-witted when the boy wants to be!

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WE'RE STILL WORKIN' ON IT

Also in Celebrity News, the rumors persist that Michael Jackson has died and that O. J. Simpson is suspected of having killed his wife, Nicole. 'Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends' will bring you more on this as soon as we're able to substantiate the rumors by double-checking our sources. We may be slow but we're thorough!

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NAT KITT COLE
OK, now on to matters of a more personal nature: After reading my 'STUFFS' blog bit, "Stephen T. McCarthy's Xmas Xtravaganza & Yuletide Yard Sale", my professional cartoonist buddy, Lonnie J. Millsap the Third, Emailed to me the following picture:
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Yeah, that's Eartha Kitt and Nat King Cole. If you didn't read my 'Stuffs' blog bit, you didn't get the connection. But trust me, it's pretty clever.

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A JANUARY 2nd NEW YEAR'S DAY TRIP TO PRESCOTT, AIRHEADZONA, U.S.A.

As we do every January 1st, Brother Nappy and I drove from Phoenix to Prescott on January 2nd. We just went up to goof off, spend the day, drink a couple drinks, and remember the awful time when we lived up there, before the awful time when we moved down to Phoenix and began our awful lives down here. You know, just reminiscin' and "stuffs". So, here's some of the photographs I took on January 2nd in "Presskit", Airheadzona:

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Santa's Lodge was empty of Santa and excited children but it was still standing at the mall. ("There's a sadness in the heart of things.") . . .

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Whiskey Row where one can find gin . . .

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Below is a photo showing the inside of Matt's Saloon on Whiskey Row, where Waylon Jennings once rocked the Independence Day crowd. He later wrote that it was so packed with people that you couldn't start a fight if you wanted to because there wasn't even enough room to draw back your fist:
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In the alley behind Whiskey Row somewhere near Matt's Saloon, we saw all these icicles growing underneath some stairs. "I like being destructive", Nappy said as he kicked the icicles off and it sounded like breaking glass:

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Ain't this purdy? . . .
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Ooh! And this is purdyer still . . .
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Yeah, that was me in my Bucket Of Blood Saloon sweatshirt (thanks, Pooh!) at The Prescott Brewing Company. A two-fisted drinker am I! (Well, time is short and I want to get my fair share.)

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And this was me a few hours later - "stone-drunk":
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Only in "Airheadzona":
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"You know what I think I’m gonna do then, just for the hell of it? ... I’m gonna take this right foot, and I’m gonna whop you on that side of your face. And you wanna know something? There’s not a damn thing you’re gonna be able to do about it.”

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Below is the fountain at Prescott's Courthouse square in the center of town, where Billy Jack beat the snot out of those rednecks in that most famous scene from the movie of the same name:
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So there we were, Nappy and I, on our way to see the house we rented while living together in Prescott, and as we drew nearer to Taylor Hicks School, I tried to cut Nappy off at the pass by saying, "And I don't want to hear it this time. Don't even say it!"

"Wiffle Ball?" Nappy asked.
"I asked you not to tell me that!" I said. "Yes! Wiffle Ball."
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You see, in our "youts", Nappy and I were great, great Wiffle Ball players. We played it all the time, wherever we went. I used to pack a Wiffle Ball and Bat with me when I went on vacations. And Nappy and I have competed against each other in some of the toughest, most competitive Wiffle Ball games ever played. Honestly, I believe that in our prime, Nappy and I were perhaps the only blokes in America who could potentially beat each other in a game of Wiffle Ball. Now, I will admit that Nappy was better than I was, and he won more games than I did, although I did emerge victorious from time to time. Our games were usually one to nothing, or two to one, or three to one, or three to two affairs - almost always close games. But . . .
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. . . there was one Wiffle Ball game in particular when Nappy beat me like he owned me. I just wasn't "on" that day, my curveball wasn't curving, my screwball wasn't screwing, and my fastball . . . well, it always had plenty of velocity back then, but there ain't no way a dude was going to beat Nappy in Wiffle Ball with nuttin' but the fastball working. So, Nappy knocked me silly that day in 1992 when we played a game of Wiffle Ball on the lawn in front of Taylor Hicks School in Prescott, Airheadzona. Here's were it happened (note the giant Wiffle Ball on the roof to mark the place of my 1992 beating) . . .
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Nappy has now taken to calling that Wiffle Ball game "The Battle Of Taylor Hicks". Sounds like it was a famous Civil War battle, doesn't it? Ha!

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WILL SHE OR WON'T SHE?

Now that the regular season of the 2010 National Football League has come to an end, and the Minnesota Vikings are done until next year, the speculation can begin. Vikings quarterback Brettboy Favregirl. Will she or won't she finally retire from football for good? I believe the Las Vegas line odds are 10 to 1 she returns.

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Dare I say this? What with how crappy Favregirl played this year, and with his record streak of consecutive starts having come to an end due to getting knocked around pretty good all season long and sustaining multiple injuries, and what with all the publicity about his little "sexcapade" cell phone porn bit, I think that maybe - maybe - we are finally through with this character. One can hope anyway. I would bet my money that she's finally finished. But then again . . . like a bad "B" horror movie monster, perhaps she will come roaring back again when we least expect it. Surely there are more interceptions in that arm of hers.

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And now it's time for . . .

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LET'S TALK BOOZE

With Stephen T. McCarthy

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I was talking recently with my buddy DiscDude, when I happened to mention that although ultimately, of course, everything comes down to individual tastes, still a fairly good argument could be made that even the least expensive of Kentucky bourbons is superior to Jack Daniel's Tennessee whiskey. The reason being that in order to lawfully be able to label a whiskey "bourbon" it must be distilled by a process that demands certain requirements be met, and that process is a bit more precise and involved than the process by which most other types of whiskies are produced. [To learn more about this distilling process, scroll down to the category titled "Booze Skool Is In Session" found HERE, and to the category titled "The World's Greatest Book" found HERE.]

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Obvious differences can be noticed by even the uneducated palate between bourbon and other types of whiskies such as rye, scotch, blends, Canadian and Irish whiskies. However, because the process for making bourbon is fairly regimented by law, it takes a more discerning and experienced whiskey drinker to really pick up on the subtle differences of taste and bouquet from one bourbon to the next. Therefore, when selecting a bourbon to purchase, unless you really have a clear preference for a certain brand of bourbon, you're just as well off buying the less expensive off-brand bottle. If it's labeled "Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey", you can be assured you are getting a quality drink regardless of the price. Don't be fooled by name recognition and prices inflated to cover advertising costs.

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In a sense then, Kentucky bourbons are not unlike naked supermodels smeared with whipped cream: while there are minor differences here and there, when you get right down to it (and aren't you now fantasizing that you could?), any one of them is well worth having.

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So, if price was no object and Stephen T. McCarthy could choose any bourbon he wanted, which bourbon would he choose? Well, truth be told, it would all depend upon what music I am listening to at the time. For instance, if I am listening to Lynyrd Skynyd (and I never am!) I would go with 'Old Grand-Dad':

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Take me down to Memphis town. Bus driver get me there
I got me a little queenie, she got long brown curly hair
She likes to drink 'Old Grand-Dad' and her shoes do shuffle around
And every time I see that gal, Lord, she wants to lay me down!
~ 'Whiskey Rock A Roller' by Lynyrd Skynyrd

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But if I am listening to ZZ Top (and I never am!), I would choose 'Wild Turkey':

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When you're driving down the highway at night
And you're feelin' that 'Wild Turkey's' bite
Don't give Johnny Walker a ride
Cause Jack Black is right by your side
You might get taken to the jailhouse and find
You've been arrested for driving while blind
~ 'Arrested For Driving While Blind' by ZZ Top
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Or, let's say I'm listening to David Lindley (and I sometimes am!), I would pour me a little 'Old Crow':

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I lit up my pipe, we sat by the fire
It was there by the embers I had no desire
To go back to the bar and drink some 'Old Crow'
I left on my smoking jacket, she took off my romeos
~ 'She Took Off My Romeos' by David Lindley

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And then again, let's say I'm listening to "Bocephus" - Hank Williams Junior - (and I often am!), now my bourbon of choice is 'Jim Beam':

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It used to be I had a lotta fun in this old hang-out
We'd get stoned at the jukebox and stay outta fights
Now and then we'd light a little smoke in the truck out back
Aww, then a little old 'Jim Beam' and we'd get right
~ 'Dinosaur' by Hank Williams Junior

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And as if that weren't enough, how about the "Old School Real Men", Bocephus and Waylon Jennings (the original "Country Outlaw" and greatest musical entertainer I ever witnessed on a stage with my own eyes) sharing a bottle of 'Jim Beam' while singing 'The Conversation' together? - a Country Classic about Hank's old man, Hank. Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about!

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OK, now you know ever'thing you needs to know about bourbon. Class dismissed.

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And now this finally brings us to the most important item in this issue of 'Sex, Tattoos & Violence R Us' and the urgent announcement I mentioned at the start . . .

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ANNOUNCING THE CHARTS AND GRAFS' CHANNEL!

For those of you who simply will not read nonfiction books (and that means a disproportionately large number of registered Republicans), I have found a way you can educate yourself politically and still avoid that nasty business of having to crack open a book!

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My friend 'Charts And Grafs' has created his own "Channel" at YouTube, where he is in the process of collecting in one place all of the best, most important videos he can find relating to geopolitics and "The New World Order" Conspiracy. Already he has compiled some really good, educational videos there. I have thus far viewed perhaps five of them and I intend to see all of them over time.

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So, there is no longer any excuse for people to be walking around ignorant to what is really going on in the world of politics simply because they're too American (read: "intellectually lazy and apathetic") to read serious, well-researched books addressing important matters that affect us all. Lord knows Americans LOVE to watch images on a TV screen or computer monitor. Well, now here's the perfect antidote for American "Knownuttinness". It's the best of both worlds: moving pictures that educate! Now you can be educated and entertained at the same time!

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Kudos to 'Charts And Grafs' for a great idea and work well done. Please, people, check out his YouTube Channel and learn the truth before it bites you in the azz and we all go down for the final count. Seriously! We are very, very quickly running out of time and it is a really lousy world you're going to leave to your kids and your grandkids! A totalitarian nightmare worse even than George Orwell imagined is coming together in the form of Global Government, and it's just around the corner! Unless you freakin' educate yourself and ACT right freakin' NOW, your offspring will curse the memory of you for allowing it to be built while you rejoiced over bread and circuses, and then left them imprisoned in it.

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'Charts And Grafs' definitely knows his stuff, so please visit his site TODAY! See the link at the bottom of this page!

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This has been another fine Ariel O. O’Airedale & Stephen T. McCarthy production, brought to you by our sponsor . . .

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COLONEL SNIDELY J. SNAKEOIL'S
Prefabricated Temporary Housing
Cardboard Erection Sets
For The Homeless
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[*For erections in your neighborhood lasting longer than 12 hours, call Doctor Deconstructor or your local police department.]

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~ Stephen T. McCarthy (and Ariel O. O’Airedale)

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LINKS:

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CHARTS AND GRAFS' CHANNEL

[Important videos Pertaining To "The New World Order" Conspiracy!]

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Back Issues:

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SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US - #7
SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US - #6

SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US - #5

SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US - #4

SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US - #3

SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US - #2

SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US - #1

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Forerunner to S. T. & V. R US:

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7 Remastered RANDOM THOUGHTS + 1 Previously Unreleased BONUS TRACK And 1 ALTERNATE TAKE

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YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t Amazon.com, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.
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