Thursday, November 27, 2014


[Also, 'THE LAST WALTZ' - Part 1 Of 2]

On September 2, 2012, I published here at 'Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends' a blog bit titled 'How I'm Getting Over (The Hell That Is 2012)'. Pretending to be my brother Napoleon, in the comment section of that blog bit I wrote as a joke: It is my sad duty to inform you all that on Monday, September 3rd, Stephen committed suicide using a raw artichoke, a bottle of Hershey's chocolate syrup, and a Korean War dog tag. (Don't ask - believe me, you don't want to know!)” Well, as you can tell by this writing, I did manage to survive 2012 without offing myself with a raw artichoke. Unfortunately though, things have only gotten worse for me since 2012. I'll spare you the details. Just know that due to the combination of my home life and my job life, I have felt dead for over 3 years now – dead, Dead, DEAD!

Hokey-Smoke & Hoo-Wee! “This world” is full of surprises and I'm often bewildered by the twists & turns one life can take. Up can turn Down when you least expect it. In can turn Out when you're least prepared for it. And sometimes to your utter amazement you can find that folks you thought were so strong emotionally fold when it's 'Crunch Time'. (And sometimes that person folding can be us.) You can think you have all your ducks in a row and then life can turn on a dime, and not always in a positive direction.

Decisions that other folks make - completely independent of your input - can impact your life in ways you'd have never imagined and take your future plans and rip them into chunks 'n' tatters like a lost kite picked up by a passing tornado. That's where I am today. I had experienced some good times and some bad times, but I thought that after the suicides of two friends and the murder of a third, my worst times were behind me. And then... and then... here came the blues again!

I guess sometimes the best thing – or only thing – we can do is start over again from scratch. And now I know I have to step out in the darkness and take a chance, because I simply cannot live any longer with this anger and depression I've been feeling. I MUST respond to the situation; I MUST make changes to try salvaging what is left of the time I will live beyond this 55th year I'm enjoying [Cough!-Cough!] right now.

As some of you already know, I am intending to move out of Airheadzona in three months. Another change is that I am now, with this blog bit, officially making 'Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends' inactive. I've said everything here about politics and spirituality that I have to say (and I've said it all about 12 different ways). The only thing I never got to was my A-List examination of the U.S. Military, but some of you can probably imagine some of the things that blog bit would have contained.

As it is, I already have a collection of notes for that proposed anti-U.S. Military blog bit that is longer than your right and left arm combined. Will I ever return here and publish it? Maybe. But I wouldn't bet any money on it, and it won't be for quite awhile, if it happens at all. I need to walk away from this blog, get my life back in order, reignite my past Spiritual life and begin Meditating daily again, because I don't feel as close to God as I used to. At one time, I felt like I was in a state of prayer 24/7/365. I haven't felt that good in a long time.

Over the last year, some things have happened that I believe I can rightly interpret as God putting an Arm around me while whispering, “Remember Me, Stephen. Return to Me, My son.” I am going to share a few of those things with you before I leave.

There is a library where I work. During down times I'd take my Holy Bible in there and read it in a comfortable chair in a corner of one room, which just by mere chance happened to be the Religion section of the library. One night I glanced to my left and saw a book on a shoulder-height shelf next to me. It was titled 'GOD OF HOPE'. What really caught my attention though was the surname of the author: Illingworth. One of the men who 31 years ago founded the place where I work was a Christian minister named Illingworth, so curious, I pulled the book down from the shelf and discovered that it had been written by J. Davis Illingworth, the son of the organization's founder. On the title page was a handwritten note from the author, and it said: Listen to your heart. Romans 8:28.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
~ Romans 8:28

I read 'GOD OF HOPE'. Already very familiar with The Holy Bible, there wasn't anything in the main body of the text that I didn't already know. But in the first chapter, 'Playing Chess With God', the author included some personal background information that really, Really, REALLY spoke to me. Here are the relevant excerpts:

I grew up in Wheeling, West Virgina, where my father was a minister. … My father always told me that God has a purpose and a plan for the lives of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). My father said that if he would play a game of chess with a master chess player like Bobby Fischer, no matter what move he would make on the board, Bobby Fischer would win. Similarly, in the game of life, God will always win but in a positive way. No matter what decision we make in life, God will make His move on the board of life that will get us who love Him where we are supposed to be when we are supposed to be there to fulfill His purpose and plan for our lives.

Our house had not even been listed yet, when two prospective buyers viewed the house on Saturday morning. The first couple offered us full price, and the second couple offered more than the asking price. Checkmate! We were moving to Cleveland, Ohio.

There are SO MANY little details in that story that speak to me that I can barely read it without feeling moisture welling up in my eyes.

Not too long afterwards, I was again in that library, seated in the same chair and reading some book of my own (probably The Bible) when I glanced to my left again and saw a book titled 'BEAUTIFUL OUTLAW' sitting there on the same shelf. It was written by somebody named John Eldredge. I was wondering: What is a book called 'BEAUTIFUL OUTLAW' doing in the Religion section?

I was too curious! This punk HAD to know. So I plucked the book from the shelf. The next thing I knew, I had read it cover-to-cover three times and had sent copies to about twelve friends, and I had written and published a review of it here at F-FFF:


'BEAUTIFUL OUTLAW' didn't really teach me anything about Christ Yeshua that I didn't already know, but it was one of the very best books I have ever read – it immediately leaped onto my all-time Top 10 list – and it contained a message that I badly needed to be reminded of... at least three times ...because I had wandered so far from my Walk with my Holy King, my Best Friend, and my Big Brother.

On April 18, 2014, my buddy LC (DiscConnected) and I went to the Musical Instrument Museum for a Rickie Lee Jones concert. She played some of my favorite RLJ songs such as 'Young Blood', 'Chuck E.'s In Love', 'We Belong Together', 'On Saturday Afternoons In 1963', and 'Coolsville'. But for me (and I never mentioned this to LC) the highlight of the entire concert was when Rickie played a song I had never heard before. The song was 'THE MOON IS MADE OF GOLD', and I found out later that it was actually written by Rickie's late father.

While Rickie was standing center-stage and singing that song, it went straight into my heart and warmed me in a Divine-like way. I KNEW FOR SURE that I was MEANT to be hearing that song right then and there. God was speaking directly to me through that song, so I made it a point to remember the chorus so I could look it up later and find out where it came from, because I NEEDED to own a copy of it.

Curiously, I discovered that the song was from a RLJ album titled – of all things – 'BALM IN GILEAD'. (I trust you catch the significance.)

Basically, 'THE MOON IS MADE OF GOLD' is a “look for the silver lining” song, but it's upgraded to GOLD. And I still believe it was a gold that God wanted me to pay special attention to:

Don't feel bad because the Sun went down
The night has wealth untold
Just keep watching and you soon will see
The Moon is Made of Gold
And one by one
Your dreams will all come true
Magic you'll behold
Don't feel bad because the Sun went down
The Moon is Made of Gold

'THE MOON IS MADE OF GOLD' – Rickie Lee Jones

Continued in PART TWO.
For Part Two, click HERE.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy

YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.


  1. I read both parts of this yesterday afternoon, but I didn't have time to comment (and still don't). We're leaving for Orlando in a few hours and there's still so much to do. I don't know if I'll have internet service while we're there (I hope so), but I also don't know how much I'll be spending in front of my laptop (probably not much) and I have all of the BOTB installments to listen to... aaccchh.

    Anyway, I do want to make a thoughtful comment on this post. I just can't do it right now. I will say that some of what you posted on the second installment really hit me where I live. I've been a mess of anxiety (and migraines) over stuff that is completely out of my control. I needed that reminder that when God brings you to it, He will also lead you through it. Instead of focusing on everything that "might" happen, I need to just Let Go and Let God. Not easy. But, then has it ever been?

    I've also been meaning to send you an E for a while now, but I haven't done it. Did I mention anxiety and migraines taking over my life? Well, between that and my novel (and long emails to poor Bryan who critiqued my novel), I have been time short and heart heavy. BTW, don't tell him this, but I've really enjoyed our E correspondence. He is a funny, funny guy and been a big help in altering the flaws of my story. You two write so similarly (and make the same sort of jokes) that I'd swear you're related. I think I used the term in an E to him "brothers from another mother." I can see why you get along so famously.

    Well, I have got to GO. I've got packing to do....

    One last thing, you know since this is "God" post and I'm me... One of the highlights of this vacation will be a trip to The Hard Rock Casino in Tampa. Man, I am so looking forward to that. I hope I still have my shirt when I leave!!!!

    1. GIRL WONDER ~
      I look forward to your future comment (whatever it might be).

      Yeah, Brother Beer Boy Bryan rips me off shamelessly. If I could afford a lawyer, I'd sue his big ass (Have you seen his blog bit butt? It's more than a bit of a butt!) for plagiarism.

      He told me in an E that he was genuinely impressed with your writing and said you have a cool, unique style. (I axed him, "Are you sure we're yakking about the SAME Robin?!" Nah, I'm just being a punky jerk; I didn't REALLY say anything like that to him. But he really did say your writing impressed him. He said the story might not appeal to an overcompensating "manly man" like me, but it was very good nonetheless.)

      >>... I am so looking forward to that. I hope I still have my shirt when I leave!!!!

      Your shirt?!
      I just hope you can get out of there with your virginity intact.

      Hey, win, lose, or draw, have a great trip.

      Yak When Back.

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'


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