Thursday, April 19, 2012

“SH!T HAPPENS” : The Short Guide To Comparative Religion


While I struggle to complete my blog bit about E.W. Bullinger and his view of the Biblical "Apocalypse" (which has now grown into two parts and may never be completed because my interest in all things “blog” is waning fast), I decided to buy some time by posting an oldie but a . . . “sh!tty”.

This originally appeared in 2008 on my now defunct blog ‘STUFFS’. I felt it was worth reposting here at ‘FERRET-FACED FASCIST FRIENDS’, especially since it went pretty much ignored in '08.
[*Maybe there was a reason for that, ya think?*]
So here it is again, back by no demand:

[From the STMcC archive: 2008]

Recently I was describing my religious viewpoint which is an amalgamation that entails a belief in and/or acceptance of 58.33% Christianity; Bad Dreams; two and a half buckets full of Buddhism things; foundational Winnie-The-Poohism with strings; an old, lonely dog’s howl at the moon; a mellow Karen Carpenter tune; a baker’s dozen of Bobs Watson’s tears; and six cold Sierra Nevada beers.

[*Crimony! Is anyone still reading this drivel? GET A LIFE!*]

Put it all together and what have you got? I dunno, but I’ll bet that 666,000 fools would drop money in it if I passed the collection plate, and they would follow me in if I jumped in a lake. Bah-Bah-Bad Sheep, have you any brains? “No, Pastor Stephen, dey’s washed out by da rains!”

Oh, Man! Brothers and Sisters, you’re probably wondering why I called you here: I have a dream... that one day I’ll wake up to find myself living in a Beverly Hills mansion, sharing my bed with a gorgeous European sports car, and with a collection of restored, classic supermodels parked in my football stadium-sized garage just waiting for me to take them for a ride. Will you pay for my dream? Say “Amen”, Brothers and Sisters! Can I get a “Hallelujah!”? Dig deep my faithful flock, while Sister Bertrille passes the plate and Brother Bojangles plays ‘Give Me That New Age Self-Glorification’ on his holy kazoo!

Sorry. I got carried away. 

[*It was that dead debarred lawyer’s spirit which possesses the dead used-car salesman’s spirit which possesses Stephen and who sometimes gets the best of both of them. If that made sense to you, then you’ll want to make an appointment with Stephen’s shrink... or his exorcists.*]

I purchased this cheap cardboard sign in Virginia City, Nevada, back about... uhm... well, back when I bought it. I don’t know who came up with these definitions for various religions, as they are uncredited. I therefore suspect that the writer is that famous Greek philosopher Anonymous, who seems to have written more good stuffs than any other single literary giant, including that brilliant but alcoholic English pub hound, Shakyspear.

I altered one of the following descriptions (“altered” = improved) and I even added a couple more (“added” = invented), but I will post my own “Sh!tisms” last so as not to misrepresent Anonymous.

[*Yeah, and so he can squeeze every little bit of personal credit possible out of this strictly nonprofessional, sh!tty entertainment.*]

Without further ado, here is . . . 


Sh!t Happens.

Knock!-Knock! Sh!t Happens.

Sh!t Happens because you’re bad.

Sh!t Happens because you don’t work hard enough.

If Sh!t Happens, it’s the will of allah.

Maybe Sh!t Happens, maybe it doesn’t.

No Sh!t!

Why does this Sh!t always Happen to us?

If Sh!t really Happens, it’s not really Sh!t.

This Sh!t Happened before.

The Sh!t only Happens in your mind.

There’s nothing like a good Sh!t Happening.

What is this Sh!t anyway?

This Sh!t doesn’t bother me.

Send more Sh!t.

Let’s smoke this Sh!t.

And now, the STMcC “Sh!tisms” :

Sh!t Happens, but my wives and I are prepared for it.

Meatless Sh!t Happens.

I am one with the Sh!t that Happens.

I sincerely hope that I didn’t offend anyone with this comparative religion guide - I certainly didn’t mean to. 

[*That’s a crock of “Stuff” that “Happens”. He not only meant to offend everyone but he DID IT, too!*]

No, really! I mean, had I wanted to offend anyone – namely Muslims – I would have posted my own “Sh!tism” for Islam, rather than posting the one written by Anonymous. Mine would have looked like this:

Sh!t Happens to YOU, because we submit to the will of allah and his prophet, Muhammad.

But I didn’t post that one because, well... far be it from me to offend anyone from “the religion of peace”.

OK, but seriously, folks, despite the fact that I don’t fully accept all of the tenets of any organized religion, I myself am – honestly! – quite religious. 

[*Yeah. He worships Jim Beam and he buys that brand of bourbon religiously!*] 

Jesus Christ is my personal Savior and the President of my world; He’s my principal Advisor and my Bodyguard. You want to mess with me, you gotta get past Jesus first, and nobody but NOBODY gets past Him: Jesus Saves.

[*He’d make a great goalie!*]

Heck, Jesus has even managed to save me from marriage, making him my 'Best Man' for REAL and the aptly nicknamed “Prince of Peace.”

[*Sure, but think about the terrific bachelor party and the many food processors you never got!*]

A lot of people don’t realize that Jesus actually does exist and that one can choose to have a true friendship with Him. I find that Jesus walks in my shoes with me.

[*And that’s why Stephen’s feet are forever hurting him!*] 

May y’all Bless And Be Blessed.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy

[*Who can only hope that he’s been “forgiven” for his sinful Sense O’ Humor.*]

YE OLDE COMMENT POLICY: All comments, pro and con, are welcome. However, ad hominem attacks and disrespectful epithets will not be tolerated (read: "posted"). After all, this isn’t, so I don’t have to put up with that kind of bovine excrement.


  1. I don't know why I am reading this Sh!t, since I am on vacation.

    Everyone reading this will have their own favorites. Mine are:

    "Why does this Sh!t always happen to us?"
    "Let's smoke this Sh!t."

    HA HA HA!

    Actually, you represented my own religion quite accurately. Good Sh!t, my man!

    Yeah, I like those two you mentioned quite a bit as well. Another favorite of mine is the one for Hinduism (a reference to reincarnation).

    And, yes, YOUR religion really was represented quite accurately (and I essentially agree with it), but I want to point out, in the spirit of full-disclosure and credit-where-it's-due, that it wasn't I who represented your religion herein, but it was the great Greek philosopher Anonymous who nailed that one.

    Enjoy yer vacation. (I hope to send short replies to yer last couple Emails before I hit the sack tonight.)

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

  3. Comparing religions comparatively is making me dizzy. Well, today I'm more dizzy than my normal self, so I didn't get to go to the beach, and I'm still in bed with my laptop, that might be considered a new religion in it self, but I would prefer you don't compare or categorize it, at least not here.

    Personally the Rasta way of looking at things sounds pretty good to me, at least for today, except then I might be even more dizzy.

    I'm not sure if I'm making sense, but I am making nonsense. Maybe I should run for office.

  4. FarAwayEyes ~
    I'd vote for you!
    (If you promise to legalize pot, man. Reefer. Joint. Homegrown. Chit! Oregano. Well, if it's oregano, you beaner, you can put it in your soup! Oh, yeah, well, who's a beaner, man?...You wanna cha-cha, just step outside! I don't need to step outside; we can do it right here!...Hey, where are you going?...Come back here, you puke!)

    Don't worry, FAE, I know you're hopelessly confused now. But my Brother Nappy will "get" all that and laugh about it when he eventually visits here and reads this.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

  5. Heck brother I remember this one. This one was some really good stuffs. Part bar tender, part laughter, part pick pocket evangalist.

    Br'er Marc

  6. BR'ER MARC ~
    You got it, McBuddy! And yes, you do remember it, because you were the only one who commented on it when I posted it at 'STUFFS' back in 2008.

    But ya wanna know how old this one REALLY is? This thing is so ancient that it originally appeared on my blog way back when!

    We're talkin' some serious history with this blog bit. I was surprised when I found that I had posted it in 2008 on 'STUFFS' rather than here at 'FERRET-FACED...' Seems to me it's a more natural fit here on my more politically incorrect blog.

    Glad ya still like it, Brother!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

  7. Stephen-

    I've never seen the sign before, but have seen the text in an e-mail chain letter (unless I am just remembering your previous post).

    Still funny.

    I'm still waiting for that OTHER blog bit you have talked about that you're working on as a swan song (won't give away any details to your other readers so as not to spoil the surprise).

    While I do not get online very often these days, I do try to keep up with the blogs I follow, and cannot believe I'd have missed that post.

    Hope all is well, my friend.

    Despite the lack of food processors.


  8. Part 1 Of 2:
    Dr. DiscDude ~

    Not before or since finding the 'Short Guide To Comparative Religion' sign in Nevada have I encountered those definitions anywhere. But it wouldn't surprise me if it's more common than I've realized.

    It occurred to me the other day, after (re)posting this blog bit, that my original portion of this thing shows that 'Bringing It All Back Home' influence throughout. This is a good example of the sort of thing I don't think I could have composed but for the many times in my youth that I listened to 'Subterranean Homesick Blues', '115th Dream', 'It's Alright, Ma', et al.

    >>...I'm still waiting for that OTHER blog bit you have talked about that you're working on as a swan song

    Yes, I know exactly what you're referring to. And, yes, you're also correct that I have yet to post that one at 'Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends'.

    I still have a few blog bits I'd like to compose and post before shutting this mess down: this E.W. Bullinger thing related to the Biblical "Apocalypse" (which I'm currently struggling through), one more blog bit related to Senator Joseph McCarthy and the New World Order, something about the incredible idiocy of Airheadzona bureaucracy (a true nightmare story that happened to someone you and I both know personally), and my piece de resistance (or "Swan Song") about the U.S. military, which you alluded to.

    I do WANT to get all these posted, and I still hope to. Problem is, there is so little motivation for me to put in all that work, and I feel so uninspired anymore.

    For instance, I have had my notes compiled to write the "Airheadzona bureaucracy" blog bit since, like, last October. I just can't seem to get fired up enough to do the "word work" though, knowing that anything I post will be commented on by a few personal friends and otherwise simply ignored as if it doesn't exist.

    There just seems to be so little incentive for me to throw good time after bad on this blog.

    I started writing the anti-military blog bit months ago and realized quickly that it will necessarily be a massive piece - a minimum of 4 parts, and probably more, with tons of quotes and book references to support my arguments, etc. In other words, a sh!tload of work. And for what? A few comments from my small choir of friends? Eh...

    Of course, that particular blog bit will piss off everyone - war veterans, women, knee-jerk conservatives, regular jerk liberals, just... EVERYONE! (Maybe even a few of my friends.)

    You'd think THAT would be enough motivation to get me to write the damned thing but... so far, it hasn't proven to be so.

    Continued Below...

  9. Part 2 Of 2:

    I even seriously thought about just posting what I have so far - the completed Introduction, a collection of quotes I intend to scatter throughout, and a song video (by Tiny Tim, believe it or not, but it would be simply PERFECT for this blog bit!) - thinking about just posting that incomplete mess and subtitling it, "Or, Stephen T. McCarthy Pulls A Brian Wilson 'Smile'."

    You know, saying something like, "Here's what I have so far, which will never be completed, and you can just IMAGINE where you think it would have gone and how it would have been organized."

    Call it "Stephen's legendary blog bit that never was."

    I still DO want to finish and post that multi-part diatribe/rant. And maybe I will. But it just feels so daunting knowing in advance HOW MUCH WORK it will take to finish. And knowing in advance that its fate will be the same as most other blog bits by almost everyone: primarily just lying there, ignored and useless.

    I mean, will anyone REALLY care about what I write in that? Does it ultimately matter whether or not I put in all that work and complete it? Not much, if at all.

    Well, keep watching, because maybe someday... You already know the title to watch for (that hasn't changed).

    >>...Hope all is well, my friend. Despite the lack of food processors.

    HA! Actually, I really miss Da Grove. Life has not been great (and will probably get worse very soon). But life without the food processors is bearable so long as I have a microwave within reach.

    Guess I'll get back to work on this Bullinger bit... (old habits die hard).

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

  10. Classic stuffs-- oh wait, this isn't Stuffs. Well, it's still good.

    Places I Remember
    Wrote By Rote
    An A to Z Co-host blog

  11. Thanks, BOIDMAN! :o)

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'


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