SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US - #3

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BREAKING NEWS!
Reliable sources close to Xtremely Un-P.C. And Unrepentant indicate that there may me be some truth to the rumor now widely circulating that pop music star Michael Jackson has died. Stay tuned and we will pass along further information just as soon as it becomes available to us!

ARGUING WITH GOD
Yesterday, Brother Nappy suddenly says to me, “You know how you sometimes hear stories about someone who kills a bunch of innocent people and then later claims that they heard God tell them to do it?”
“Yeah,” I said. “What about it?”
Nappy says, “Well, how come they don’t just say, ‘No, God. You kill them. You’re God, aren’t you? Can’t you kill a few people without help from me?’ ”

PREVENTATIVE MEDICINE
Last week, Brother Nappy came to me and said, “I need to take a few Excedrin tablets. Can I get some from you?”
“You have a headache?” I asked him.
“No, but just in case I get one.”
“How many you want?” I asked.
“Three.”
And I said, “Really? Three? When I’m feeling perfectly fine, I usually take just two.”

BAD ACTING SCHOOL
Some months back, Nappy and I were watching the 1956 movie THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. At one point in scene #14 titled “Hebrew Cloth”, Charlton Heston playing the part of Moses says, “LOVE CANNOT DROWN TRUTH, NEFERTIRI.”
A few seconds later, Nappy says to me, “He said that just like Batman, didn’t he?”
I said, “Yeah, kind of. I guess.” But the truth is, I wasn’t really paying close enough attention.

So, about 15 seconds further into the film, Nappy tells me, “Wait. Rewind. Let’s go back and see that again.” So I backed the DVD up to that point and let ‘er rip. A few moments later I was ROTFLMAO. Make no mistake – I mean that literally. I was LITERALLY rolling on the floor, laughing my a## off! Well, I usually watch TV while lying on the floor to begin with, so I didn’t have far to go. But I was rolling back and forth on the carpet WITH TEARS IN MY EYES! Nappy and I were laughing so hard that we actually had to stop the movie and take a 10 minute break to regain our composure before we could go on.

Charlton Heston delivers that line so EXACTLY the way Adam West later delivered his lines in the 1960s television version of Batman that it’s like Heston is supernaturally channeling West as a prophecy of things to come. He even sounds like Adam West! I mean, you can almost see the Batman cowl on Heston as he says the line. I can’t understand how Nappy picked up on it the first time and I didn’t - heck, I’m the bigger Batman/Adam West fan.

Anyone who knows and enjoys their 1960s Batman simply MUST make it a point to obtain a copy of The Ten Commandments, even if only to catch this one moment. Buy it, rent it, steal it, just get it! Honestly, this was the best laugh I’ve had thus far into 2009! I was ROTFLMAOWTIME. (And some people wonder why I keep Nappy around. If God ever tells me to kill him, I’ll tell God, “Yeah. Sure. And you intend to replace him with?...”)

RECIPE FOR A SHORT & HAPPY LIFE: GIN, VERMOUTH & GREEN OLIVES
Several weeks ago, I received an e-mail from a friend of mine. He said this:

I'm planning a road trip cross-country in the spring, stopping and visiting friends along the way. If it comes to pass, God willing, I may actually meet ya in this life. The martinis will be on me. Gin, no vodka.

I had to laugh. It’s good to know that at least someone out there is actually paying attention to the nonsense I say. And I sure did like it better when the rules of this world were Old School simple.

CAREFUL WITH THAT BUNSEN BURNER, EUGENE!
My friend Ed and I were exchanging comments recently when we wandered into the subject of religion. On the fly, I gave a brief description of my religious worldview, and I think I nailed it better than I ever have before. Sometimes spontaneity is the key. Here’s my religious self-assessment:

I was strongly influenced early on by Joel Goldsmith and I guess I’m sort of a “Bad Christian Meets A Christian Science Laboratory Explosion.”

“YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, FUNNY BOY!”
On August 8th I officially became “Old.” I turned 50 years old. Damn! It’s painful just typing that. In my own eyes, I’m now a grandchildless grandpa. Ouch! The funniest birthday card I received came from my old friend Pooh, who actually turned 50 before I did. On the front is a caricature of Bob Dylan singing, “KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCKIN’ ON HEAVEN’S DOOR…” Inside it says “Enjoy your new birthday theme song.” Pooh added some tender sentiments of his own [this is rude and crude, but funny]:

“Yes indeed, The Times They Are A-Changin’. I hope this card finds you well and before your AARP package arrives. I have scouted out 50 for you and it’s like your warranty just expired. Words to the wise on aging: Never pass a bathroom. Don’t waste a hard-on. Never trust a fart!
Love*, Pooh.
*JW”

“JW” are the initials Pooh and I have been including for many years everytime one of us writes the word “love” to the other. JW stands for John Wayne, and so this means “Love in a strictly manly sort of way.” Not that either of us has any doubts about the other bloke’s heterosexuality – heck, we’ve known each other since 1978. But the key to good writing is making it clearly understood.

DRINKING AN OLD DOG NEW TRICKS
I also received a funny birthday card from my dear friend The Flying Aardvark. The cover shows two dinosaurs and they’re saying, “Hey there… remember us?” Inside it continues, “We used to sit behind you in home room.”
Yeah, laugh it up, funny girl!

In the ‘Gifts Given’ category, the Aard took the gold medal by far. I received an Eddie Cochran compact disc. Eddie was an ultra-cool 1950s rocker who died at a very young age in a tragic car crash. He’s most famous for his classic teen anthem “Summertime Blues” but I think my favorite Cochran tunes are “Nervous Breakdown” and “Somethin’ Else.” Back in my young thug days, I used to wear a small black & white Eddie Cochran pin on my black leather jacket, so this was an interesting gift for a bloke who just hit the Big 5-0 (say it ain’t so!) I’m an Oldie but a Goodie.

The Aardvark also give-eded me the P.J. O’Rourke book HOLIDAYS IN HELL, “In which our intrepid reporter travels to the world’s worst places and asks, ‘What’s funny about this?’ ” Oh, Baby, you knooooow what I like!

I also got the JW movie THE QUIET MAN – without a doubt, JW’s best non-Western. And she sent me a batch of her world famous Rum Balls. I was intoxicated for two weeks without ever reaching for a bottle.
“Have you been drinking this evening, Mr. McCarthy?”
“No, ossifer. I hasn’t drinked a drop.”
“Uh-huh. You want to step out of the car, please.”
“Sure. …Which one?”

The Aard’s Yummy Rum Balls kill two birds with one stone when your biggest problems are simultaneous hunger and sobriety.

When it comes to good friends, one just can’t top the high-flyin’ Aardvark. (And she got me high and flyin’ too! Friends don’t let friends live sober.)

AARDVARK WISDOM
In a phone conversation with my long distance pal, the Aardvark said a simple but profound thing while trying to cheer up my 50-year-old mind. The Aard said that when she was approaching the age of 40 she realized that she was only going to have an “ordinary” life, but through the years she has developed a greater appreciation for the ordinary. Eloquent. Unfortunately, what I heard was: “Stephen, you need to buy a red, convertible sports car.”

IN MY YOUTH . . .
I could drink all day and night and never get “tired”; I could hit the side of a barn with a shot glass from six paces; I could track a pink elephant through the darkest jungle streets and alleys. In my youth, I had skills, baby, SKILLS!

TO CATCH LIGHTNING IN A BOTTLE
The dude is unbelievably superfast. So, let me axe ya: how long do you suppose it will be until Usain Bolt is caught?

SLUTSPACE
What is it with these women who keep contacting me at MySpace, inviting me to view their nude photos? Do I really look like that kind of guy?

Here’s a picture that was included with the latest invitation:



Uh. No, thanks. “Arkansas Bowling Alley Groupie” isn’t my type.

RON PAUL HAS MY BACK
The Catholic newspaper THE WANDERER included an exclusive interview with Ron Paul in its August 13, 2009 issue. At one point the interviewer said: “The GOP has been regarded as the pro-life party in these past few elections, and the party hasn’t done very well. What do you think the prospects are for the GOP as a vehicle for conservative ideas in general, and especially for pro-lifers?”

RON PAUL: “I don’t think – you know it’s shifting, but over the years we never suffered from it. I mean Ronald Reagan took a pro-life position, but it is true that the Republican Party, like in many other issues, would speak more strongly than their actions – they didn’t do a whole lot once they were in office.”

Hmmm… Well, ain’t that just what I said in my Blog Bit
#1 RULE OF POLITICS ?

And later in the interview, Doctor Paul said: “Keynesianism in economics came in vogue in the 1930s. And that is a philosophic issue that is pervasive in the Republican and Democrat Parties – it is both."

Hmmm… Well, ain’t that just what I said in my Blog Bit MARX VS KEYNES: COMPARATIVE SOCIALISM IN MINIATURE ?

FROM CANTON-BOUND CAREER TO COMEDIAN FODDER CARTOON

IT’S A WOMAN’S PREROGATIVE TO CHANGE HER MIND.
~ attributed to Everywoman

THE PARTITIONS WERE SO THIN THAT ONE COULD HEAR A LADY IN THE NEXT ROOM CHANGING HER MIND.
~ attributed to Mark Twain

He’s back again. And again. And AGAIN. Allah’s Unholy Trousers! Brettboy Favregirl has UNRETIRED YET AGAIN! Oh my gosh! This guy is UNQUESTIONABLY the most embarrassing mangirl to ever wear an NFL uniform. He has reached a level of sadness that no one has ever even imagined before. One week after announcing he truly has retired from football (yet again!) he’s at camp in Minnesota and wearing a Vikings uniform. UN-FREAKIN’-BELIEVABLE.

Honestly, I think that Favre is just such a friggin’ media hound that he can’t stand the thought of not being in the press and having his mug displayed on ESPN every week, so he simply can’t bring himself to hang up the cleats. Here’s a guy who would call a press conference to announce that he has nothing to announce.

However, the first (and still biggest) sign of this character’s lack of character was the bit he pulled years ago in “giving” Michael Strahan the sack record. That’s the point where I really became anti-Favre.

Don’t get me wrong, from everything I know about him, I actually LIKE Strahan. And truthfully, I would prefer that he owned the sack record rather than Mark Gastineau, whom I did NOT like. But a “real” competitor would NEVER “give” something to an opposing player on the field of battle. That is the best definition I could think of for the term “Unsportsmanlike Conduct.” Not only did Favre, in my opinion, put an asterisk on the sack record, but in doing so he left a stain on the permanent record of his offensive line in Green Bay. It’s no wonder one of his O-Linemen took him aside in the locker room after that game and had words for him.

Although I’m no psychiatrist (and don’t play one on TV either), isn’t there a sign of Favre’s ego even showing through that Strahan incident? It’s as if he was nonverbally saying, “I, Me, Brett Favre, the Center Of Attention, the Center Of The Universe, I have the power to bestow upon you, Michael Strahan, the all-time single season sack record. Here’s a Milk-Bone from my Royal hand – Good dog.”

Favregirl is like a numerically smaller but equally bad Beatles song: “#4 - #4 - #4 - #4 . . .” He’s like the monster in some "B" horror movie who always seems to rise yet again from certain death. #4 has now officially turned his whole career into a cartoon.

JOHN McLAME
I was yakking politics with The Great L.C. recently when I said:

“Did you notice how when the principal concern of Americans was the war in Iraq, and when it was clear that most of the country was tired of it and wanted to see the troops returned home, John McCain publicly said he would be fine with it if we maintained American soldiers in Iraq for one hundred years? He said the last thing that most Americans wanted to hear at that time.

“And then when our financial system started to tank and the economy superseded the Iraq War as the single most troubling issue for most Americans, McCain chose that time to publicly announce that he thought “the fundamentals of our economy are strong.” Again, the worst thing he could have said if he wanted to be elected president of the United States. How odd that McCain had a special knack for saying the last thing he should have said in each instance. It’s almost as if HE SECRETLY DIDN’T WANT TO WIN THE ELECTION.”

. . . Or else he’s just operating with a pathetic micromind.

CSI: SILICONE VALLEY
If THIS isn’t a sign of our times, I don’t know what is.

~ Stephen T. McCarthy

Back Issues:
SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US - Issue #2
SEX, TATTOOS & VIOLENCE R US - Issue #1

Forerunner to S. T. & V. R US:
7 Remastered RANDOM THOUGHTS + 1 Previously Unreleased BONUS TRACK And 1 ALTERNATE TAKE
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